Kate & Leopold Page #4

All he did

was dangle a carrot.

Until he makes a decision

the pressure's doubled.

When's he going

to make a decision?

We're having dinner tomorrow

to discuss it further

at Commune.

-Kate?

-Yeah.

-I have Stuart on the line.

-No!

-He says he's in the hospital.

-No!

I got the number

of a specialist.

A bone guy--

he did David Cohn's elbow--

so he'll check on you tomorrow.

You're not listening to me,

Kate.

I can't be here tomorrow.

I can't be here today.

I have to go home now.

Leopold is just sitting alone

in my apartment-- God knows

what could happen to him.

Do you realize

he got outside today?

Of course he did.

I made him walk your dog.

What? No, Kate,

you can't do that!

He can't go outside!

Jesus Christ, Kate.

He's from 1876, Kate.

He doesn't know our customs.

If something were

to happen to him

-it could be catastrophic.

-Shh!

His mere presence has already

caused an occlusion.

An occlusion!

If he doesn't go back on Monday

I may cease to exist!

I'm his descendant, Kate

along with God knows

how many other people.

If he doesn't go back

to April 28, 1876

he doesn't get married,

he doesn't have children

and you want to know what?

What happened

with the elevators today, well

that's going to seem

like a walk in the park.

Stuart! This is embarrassing.

It's embarrassing now,

all right?

I'm sorry that you got hurt

but there happens to be a lot

going on with me right now.

Someone has to keep

an eye on him.

Stuart, he's a grown man.

He's a grown man.

He's fine.

He can take care of himself.

-No. Wait. Aah!

-I'm going.

Kate, please.

Just take this to Spectra, okay?

Get it developed.

You'll see I'm telling

the truth.

Tell Manny it's important.

You want double prints?

That's not funny, Kate.

That's not funny, Kate.

This is not a joke.

You need help, Stuart.

You need help.

...square of the hypotenuse

I'm very good at integral

and differential calculus

I know the scientific names

of beings animalculous

In short, in matters

vegetable, animal and mineral

I am the very model

of a modern major-general.

Charlie?

Hey, Kate!

Can I see you downstairs

for a minute?

I invited someone

to dinner.

He's up there all alone.

Stuart's in the hospital.

I didn't think you'd

have such a problem...

No, you didn't

think, Charlie.

You didn't think.

You came home early,

one day early from actor camp.

Okay, it's not actor camp

and yeah, I came home

a day early, all right?

There was this tai chi

broad who kept trying

-stick her fingers...

-No, this is the point.

You immediately

march upstairs

to my ex-boyfriend's

apartment

and you invite

his freakish friend...

See, that's

what it's about.

It's not that

I went up there.

It's that it was

your ex-boyfriend...

No, it's not about Stuart.

Greetings, Kate.

Charles.

Hey, Leo.

Be nice.

So, when's Stuart

getting back?

Couple days, maybe a week.

He promised me that he would

return late this evening.

Well, maybe he will, Leopold.

He's so big on keeping

his promises.

May I have the next course?

There is no next course.

Ha.

Where I come from

the meal is the result

of reflection and study.

Menus are prepared in advance

timed to perfection.

It is said,

without the culinary arts

the crudeness of reality

would be unbearable.

We had a saying

in the McKay house:

"You shake and shake

the ketchup bottle.

None will come,

and then a lot'll."

What is that?

I beg your pardon?

Why are you standing?

I'm accustomed to stand

when a lady leaves the table.

Tell me, Charles

when Stuart and your

sister were engaged

did you happen to read

his papers on

the temporal universe?

I spent the morning perusing

them, and must confess...

Stuart and I were never engaged.

Not even close.

But I did read...

Thank you.

But I did read his papers

however, to show support.

Is Stuart still trying

to make a time machine?

That's the beauty of it--

he discovered

no machine was necessary.

All one had to do was

to develop

formulae to forecast portals--

natural windows

in the fabric of time.

Apparently,

Stuart located one

utilizing modern...

Ah!

Utilizing modern theories

of weather prediction.

What's a portal?

An opening which exists

for but a moment.

This explains why

one must jump through it

from a height--

in order to achieve

the required velocity.

The speed of gravity,

to be exact.

It's quite brilliant.

You are so method.

You don't even break

for a second, do you?

It's unbelievable!

Oh, stop it, please!

No more! Stop, please?

I beg you. I'm tired.

Can you go away?

Can you just go away?

Can you go away?

She's drunk, Leo.

Oh, shut up, Charlie!

And you, can you go upstairs?

Can you go away?

I am truly sorry if I have

offended you in any way.

Good night, Charles.

Good night, Charles.

Good night, Leo.

What the hell was that?

He thinks he's from

the 19th century, Charlie.

He thinks he's a duke.

I know.

Isn't that cool?

No.

Kate, he's in character.

He is an actor.

Oh, really?

For what show?

You know that just because

someone doesn't have

a paying gig

it doesn't mean they're not

working on their craft.

What's going on here?

I think there's something wrong

with his, uh...

-thing.

Give me that telephone.

No.

Give it to me.

No, I need to...

What do you expect me to do?

You took away my cell phone.

They're not allowed

on hospital property.

I have to make

a phone call!

You're not going

to make one now.

No, no, you don't understand.

This is a very important

phone call.

I have to leave

this hospital now.

I can't be here anymore.

Mr. Besser

I am tired

of telling you this.

You are not going nowhere

until Dr. Feinstein signs

your release!

Did you ever take any

earth science, Esther, hmm?

You look like

a smart woman.

Ever hear of the

time-space continuum?

Sounds important, doesn't it?

Well, it is.

And you want to know

something, Esther?

It's broken! Okay?

And I'm the only guy

who can fix it.

So why don't you

go down the hall there

and get on your

little telephone

and call Dr. Feinstein...

Good night, Mr. Besser.

You tell him that...

You tell him that I...

Point the toes,

roll your shoulders back.

Take a deep breath in

and then exhale

into downward-facing dog.

Oh, be quiet!

Be quiet... oh!

Bart, shut up!

That thing is

a damned hazard!

It's just a toaster!

Well, insertion of bread

into that so-called toaster

produces no toast at all--

merely warm bread!

Inserting the bread twice

produces charcoal.

So, clearly, to

make proper toast

it requires

one and a half insertions

which is something

for which the apparatus

doesn't begin to allow!

One assumes

that when the General

of Electric built it

he might have tried using it.

One assumes the General might

take pride in his creations

instead of just

foisting them

on an unsuspecting

public.

You know something?

Nobody gives a rat's ass

that you have to push

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