Kate & Leopold Page #5

the toast down twice.

You know why?

Because everybody

pushes their toast down twice!

Not where I come from.

Oh, because where you come from

toast is the result

of reflection and study.

Yes, you mock me.

But perhaps one day, when you've

awoken from

a pleasant slumber

to the scent of

a warm brioche

smothered in marmalade

and fresh creamery butter

you'll understand that life

is not solely comprised

of tasks, but tastes.

Say that again.

Pardon me?

-Did they start yet?

-Yes.

Session list.

Leopold, Darci.

Darci, Leopold.

I'd like him to read.

Can you tack him on

at the end?

And, Leopold, go with Darci.

She'll take you to the greenroom

and explain everything.

I need to work out.

I need a place

I can work out.

If I could get

Mr. Duke?

Is he ready?

Where is he?

Oh, my God,

look at this.

Let's skip this one.

Mr. Duke, right here

on the floor.

Excuse me,

that's your mark, right there.

Just stand on

that tape line.

Look, forget this guy.

I can't waste

any more time, J.J.

We need to make

a decision now.

All right, we've got

plenty of good choices.

Let's cut it off, Kate.

That would be a mistake, J.J.

Kate, the client wants

to move on.

We should see this last guy.

It'll... Two minutes!

I think he looks like

the Quaker Oats guy.

Well, Phil, it's really not

about what you think.

It's about what

they think.

They've been in

a coma all day

and now look at them.

To them, this guy is a dream.

He's handsome,

honest, courteous.

Stands when you

walk in a room.

Brings you brioche in bed.

If you eat his margarine

maybe your hips

will shrink

and he'll come

to your door.

I take it this is to be

delivered in direct address

as on Geronimo.

Geronimo?

He means Geraldo.

Exactly.

Okay, everyone--

quiet, please.

And action.

Start talking, bud.

Fresh creamery butter.

Is there anything

more comforting?

I say there is.

And perhaps you'll agree

when you sample

fat-free Farmer's Bounty

with the genuine essence

of creamery butter

in every bite.

With every mouthful

of Farmer's Bounty

you shall receive butter's

luxurious comfort in your mouth

without adding to the luxury

of your waistline.

Not bad, Kate.

Where'd you find him?

He lives in my building.

Where do I sign?

Right here, and here.

Oh! Hi.

That was

spectacular, Kate.

Thanks, J.J.

A lot to talk about

tonight at dinner.

Nice work, Mr. Margarine.

Thank you.

Outfit was

a great idea. Nice.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Whoo!

You seem pleased.

Oh, you did

so great in there!

Man!

You are going to be on

a national television spot!

I take it you're dining

with that man tonight.

Huh? Oh, yeah, J.J.

He's my boss.

You require a chaperone.

His intentions are obvious.

I'm alone with you.

Do I need a chaperone?

We're not courting, Kate.

If we were,

as a man of honour

I would have informed you

of my intentions in writing.

Oh...

Good day.

Hey!

Kate, why don't we

take one of these.

They're for tourists.

Sorry, she doesn't

seem interested.

Oh, hey, hello. Hello.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey, you...

Kate!

Hey, you a**hole!

Hey!

I'm going to get you!

Hey!

A**hole!

Goddamn it.

Give me your hand.

What?

Your hand, woman!

Yah! Yah!

What do you think

you're doing?

Whoa, hey!

Yah!

I warn you, scoundrel

I was trained to ride

at the King's Academy

and schooled in weaponry

by the palace guard.

You stand no chance.

Where you run, I shall ride

and when you stop,

the steel of this strap

will be lodged in your brain.

Your boyfriend's

a very good rider.

Yeah.

Are you for real?

Pardon me?

Are you for real?

I believe so.

You're a duke.

I was born a duke.

I've never felt like one.

Stay. Sit.

On your feet. Stay.

Stay. Good boy.

I'm off to dinner.

What are you two doing?

I don't know.

Maybe we'll watch

the rest of the game

or go out or something.

Oh, thank you.

Kate, may I repeat my offer

to serve as a chaperone?

No, thank you, Leopold.

Charles, don't you

find this inappropriate?

As her brother,

I would think...

As her brother, I would think

that my sister would invite me

to an audition.

Could be just me, though.

Seems kind, but...

-Charlie.

-Hmm?

You're not exactly

a margarine spokesperson.

I can't sell butter, Kate?

I don't mean to be insulting...

It's insulting. I'm an actor.

You don't have faith in me

to sell butter?

No. No. I'm sorry.

I can do British, Kate.

I'm an actor.

I can be anybody!

You're a very, very good actor.

-I am a good actor.

-You are.

Okay, fine, all right.

A Victorian dude who's never

seen a Mets game watching TV.

Okay.

Scene-- I say,

are those little people

in that box of phosphorous?

Crikey, I believe it is!

This game's more

beguiling than cricket!

Indian:
Good golly, oh, Jesus!

It looks like Mike Piazza

just hit a game!

How about Canadian?

Oh, right on.

Right on, you like butter, huh?

Yeah, what's that about?

Good night.

Good night.

...all those people

up in that stadium.

Know what they probably

could go for?

Some margarine!

When your friend walked in

in that outfit

I was getting a little

nervous for you there.

"lf you eat his margarine,

maybe your hips will shrink."

It's brilliant.

You saved Phil from

his own ambivalence.

I knew it was the way

to go-- in my gut.

I'm counting on that gut.

Can I get a bottle

of your '95 Lynch-Bages

and a bottle of Evian?

I'll tell you one thing

your friend is going to be

bigger than Mr. Whipple.

Thanks.

You're not sleeping with him,

are you?

No.

No.

Leo. Leo, come on. Come here.

How's it going, man?

See the girl with

the long brown hair?

That's Patrice.

She's lovely.

She's mine.

Congratulations.

Hey, everybody,

this is Leo!

Leo, this is everybody.

What's up? Dennis.

Shelby, Allison, Monica.

And this, this is

the insatiable Patrice.

Hey, Charlie.

Hey.

How do you do?

Patrice, let me

assist you.

Thanks.

You got it?

I was going to get it.

Let me get that for you.

There you go.

You look nice tonight.

Very...

Like a Judy Blume book.

That's good, because

I thought for a moment

that body of water here

was a moat.

No, that's a pond.

The gardens

are devastating.

They are.

They're very,

very beautiful. Ooh.

You'll have to come

and see them firsthand.

Right, right.

After the merger

I'm going to be stuck

over there, setting things up.

I'll be craving

a little face time

from my new top

honcho in New York.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you should

come visit.

I'll fly you over

for the weekend.

Oh, yeah, I heard that.

The other part--

the part before that.

The part about

the top honcho.

I didn't understand that,

that part.

How about catching an opera

Saturday?

La Boheme's at the Met.

Okay, so she comes back--

the audience is about to leave--

she comes back on stage

and she starts

squirting the audience

with this turkey baster

filled with this pine mist.

And she's screaming

"Un-sex me! Un-sex me!"

But no tears.

Just raw human passion.

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