Kate and Leopold Page #5

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He looks at the lights then back at the switch. He flicks

the lights ON and OFF, trying to figure out the precise moment

in the transfer of power, laughing in spite of himself.

Kate and Charlie enter. They watch Leopold flicking the

lights, laughing like a madman. Charlie gives Kate a look.

KATE:

(explaining)

He's from Canada...

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Leopold sits at the head of the table, Kate and Charlie

banished to either side. Leopold chews his dinner incessantly.

LEOPOLD:

(finally)

What is this?

KATE:

It's called Hamburger Helper.

LEOPOLD:

It is beyond help. Please serve the

next course.

He pushes his plate away.

KATE:

I'm afraid there is no next course.

If you make a list of the foods you

like, I'll pick them up at the store

for you.

LEOPOLD:

Is all food here this... textured?

CHARLIE:

Mine's good.

LEOPOLD:

Please understand, I am used to a

different sort of preparation. Where

I come from a proper meal is the

result of reflection and study. A

recipe is merely a theme which an

intelligent cook can plan each time

with variation.

Charlie gives Kate a look.

LEOPOLD:

Several courses are served. Menus

are often prepared days in advance,

timed to perfection. It is said,

without the culinary art, the

crudeness of reality would make life

unbearable.

CHARLIE:

In Canada?

LEOPOLD:

(after a beat. Firmly)

In Canada.

CHARLIE:

We have a saying here. "Shake and

shake the catsup bottle, none will

come and then a lot'll."

He pours catsup on his dinner.

LEOPOLD:

How interesting.

CHARLIE:

Since you're such an expert on fine

cuisine, why don't you make dinner

tomorrow night?

LEOPOLD:

It should be obvious to you that I

am NOT a domestic. You may take my

plate.

CHARLIE:

I have my own, thank you.

KATE:

Charlie...

CHARLIE:

Who died and made me Cinderella?

LEOPOLD:

Young man, there is a distinct

impertinence to your voice.

CHARLIE:

It's part of my charm.

LEOPOLD:

Suppress it.

KATE:

(changing the subject)

Leopold... Since you're our guest

here, there are several cultural

events you might enjoy seeing. Charlie

has season tickets to the ball game.

Perhaps you'd like to take that in?

LEOPOLD:

What is it?

CHARLIE:

What is it??

KATE:

Or the Opera or the Ballet?

CHARLIE:

What is it??

KATE:

Charlie, there's no rule that says

everyone has to be interested in

baseball.

CHARLIE:

No, but I believe there is a rule

that says everyone has to have HEARD

of it.

LEOPOLD:

Dr. Coles, your brother Charles

attitude and demeanor are

unacceptable. If I am to stay on

here you must have a serious talk

with him regarding respect and

civility.

KATE:

CHARLES, could you help me with the

dessert in the kitchen?

CHARLIE:

In the kitchen?

KATE:

IN the kitchen. Excuse us.

Kate and Charlie leave. The camera remains on Leopold, sitting

alone, calmly sipping his wine. VOICE OVER FROM THE KITCHEN:

CHARLIE:

I don't believe this guy!

KATE:

Try to be nice to him.

CHARLIE:

I'm always NICE!

KATE:

Please Charlie, as a favor to me.

CHARLIE:

He gives me the creeps.

Leopold reacts. He listens self-consciously.

KATE:

He's different that's all.

CHARLIE:

What was that crack about domestics?

KATE:

Charlie, this is important to me.

CHARLIE:

You're not going out with him, are

you?

KATE:

Eeuuu! I may be desperate but I'm

not a lost cause.

CHARLIE:

Kate, this is me. I've seen the guys

you bring home.

KATE:

I've done countless favors for you!

Now I'm asking for just one little

thing...

CHARLIE:

(overlapping)

Oh, all right! All right! All right!

They emerge from the kitchen, beaming.

KATE:

(after a beat)

We forgot the dessert.

CHARLIE:

You know,... I don't know if I

mentioned it... but that is one fine

looking suit.

INT. KATE'S BEDROOM - 6:30 A. M.

Radio alarm clock -- 7:45 a.m. Louis Armstrong begins to

sing, "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off." Dressed in yoga

clothes Kate sits on her bed in the lotus position. She bangs

the gong and closes her eyes. A bell rings. Kate flinches

but does not open her eyes.

KATE:

(too sweetly)

What is it, Leopold?

The bell rings louder, interrupting Kate's routine.

KATE:

(eyes closed, screaming

like a fishwife)

WHAT IS IT, LEOPOLD?!

Leopold's bell rings with determination. Kate is off the bed

and out of the room.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Kate enters and stops short. Leopold sits at the table ringing

a BELL. The dishwasher is open and SPRAYING WILDLY, the

blender has spread breakfast shake EVERYWHERE, water is

BOILING OVER on the stove, refrigerator, freezer, and every

cupboard door is OPEN. Garbage disposal runs FULL BLAST.

LEOPOLD:

(calmly amidst the

chaos)

I cannot seem to find the tea...

CLOSE UP:
Leopold's hand rings a bell with irritation.

INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - EVENING

Leopold, Kate, and Charlie stand in front of Charlie's open

closet. Leopold selects clothes from Charlie's wardrobe.

LEOPOLD:

No... No... No. Good God, no!...

Perhaps...

He tosses them aside carelessly as Charlie seethes.

CLOSE UP:
Leopold rings his bell.

INT. HALLWAY - EARLY MORNING

Kate and Charlie form a line to the bathroom. Kate checks

her schedule and bangs on the door.

KATE:

Leopold, your time is up! What's he

got, a girl in there?

INT. BATHROOM - EARLY MORNING

Leopold Luxuriates in the bathtub wearing a "Whitecap"

marveling at the whirlpool and the instant hot water. He

picks up a can of shaving cream and inspects it in wonder.

It SPRAYS.

CLOSE UP:
Leopold rings his bell. Nothing happens. He

discovers the clapper has been stolen.

INT. KATE'S STUDY - AFTERNOON

Kate types, talks and researches simultaneously. She looks

up and stops suddenly.

Leopold appears wearing MANY oddly assorted layers of

Charlie's clothes, a bandanna bow tie, Irish woolen cap,

bicycle gloves, aluminum baseball bat walking stick. He poses

foppishly.

LEOPOLD:

I should like to read about modern

currency during my bath tonight. See

that the tub and basin are scrubbed

up. Remnants remain of this afternoons

shave.

Kate nods at him stupefied. Due to the many layers of

clothing, he imperiously leaves the room walking as if wearing

skis.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Leopold rings a BIG NEW COWBELL. No one responds.

INT. CHARLIE'S WORKROOM - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

He discovers Kate at her computer, Charlie reading a book.

Each are wearing a walkman.

He stands in front of them and rings his cowbell furiously

until they look up.

INT. STUDY - DAY

Leopold studies his questionnaire, Kate researches Victorian

customs. They simultaneously look up and gaze at the other.

A beat.

Embarrassed, Kate dons her glasses and Leopold shuffles

papers. They look up again. Then down. Then get back to work.

INT. KATE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kate sits on her bed with her laptop watching David Letterman.

She glances up, laughs out loud. She looks at the dark empty

room. No one is there to share it with. Closing her computer,

she holds her pillow close to her. She slowly moves to the

window and looks out.

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