Katt Williams Live Page #3

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"F*** them goddamn lights.

"I got 12 candles.

I've been waiting to burn them b*tches up. "

'Cause that don't make no sense,

for them to tell us that should be illegal.

Aspirin is perfectly legal,

but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers,

it'll be your last headache.

As long as you been living,

you ain't never heard

of nobody overdose on marijuana.

You might have thought

that nigga was dead. He ain't dead.

He gonna wake up in 30 minutes

hungry enough to eat up

everything in your house.

That's the side effects.

Hungry, happy, sleepy. That's it.

I don't know.

What I don't know

is why they ain't made weed into a pill.

They can clone sheep.

They can make a baby without the mama.

Remember the cell phone?

When that motherf***er came out,

was it not this goddamn big?

Came in a suitcase with a shoulder strap.

Now the cell phone is so small

that by next year

it's just gonna be

a chip on a nigga's tongue.

You just gonna be smoking

a cigarette, yeah...

"Hello?

"No, nigga, I got you on the tongue phone.

"Hold on. I got another call.

"Hello?"

You gotta be careful, though.

Got to be careful.

You have to pay attention to your schedule.

I had to have a meeting

with all the weed salesmen in Cincinnati

and explain to these niggas

that I need regular weed.

I have sh*t to do. I have an agenda.

I don't want sh*t with a nickname.

Not Thriller, Killer, Salmonella,

none of that sh*t.

I want it to say, right on the bag,

"Regular Weed".

Regular weed, you get the munchies,

and you can live your life.

This nigga in Cincinnati two days ago

sold me some sh*t

had me looking

at the refrigerator for four hours.

I'm just in the kitchen on the stove, just...

"I bet you, ain't sh*t in there.

I bet you, there's sh*t in... "

You know the weed is too good

when you hit it and look at it. Just...

"Ah, nigga, there's something in here.

There's something in here. That... "

Something...

You just...

You just gotta do everything in moderation.

'Cause I thought

that all weed smokers were created equal,

but that's not the case, not the case at all.

I live in Los Angeles now,

and I was hanging out with Snoop Dogg.

Now, this nigga

is a professional weed smoker.

There is not an amateur bone

in this nigga's body.

I was not prepared.

We was doing The Tracy Morgan Show.

He did an episode.

The nigga said, "Katt,

"when we take a break,

we gonna hit some weed. "

Now I took out of that conversation,

two words,

"Hit". "Some weed".

Now, I can do that.

I know the rules and regulations.

- I know I get the blunt, puff, puff...

- AUDIENCE:
Pass.

I see you are aware

of the regulations as well.

So I'm feeling like everything

is gonna be okay.

I'm gonna smoke enough weed

to be sociable,

go back to my room and learn my lines.

Now, I need to explain to you that it's,

in this room, only me,

Snoop and his two partners.

We are in a circle.

I watch him roll one and light it

and put it in rotation.

And it starts to go in rotation.

After about four and three-quarter minutes,

I start noticing

that I am higher than I have ever been

my entire life.

I mean, I am high, high.

Like I'm up on the world,

looking down at the planets and stars.

Just satellites and my mama house

where I grew up in Avondale.

Just all of it. I can see it.

And I'm thinking,

"How in the hell could I be this high

"off one blunt?"

I look up and notice

these niggas have lit six blunts,

and they are all in rotation at the same time.

We look like an Olympic track meet

in that b*tch.

It's bullshit.

That's why you just gotta live your life.

'Cause other people's life,

it may look better than yours,

but that does not mean that's the way it is.

I live in LA now. I'm finding out

that most of that sh*t that I thought was real

was bullshit.

I met DMX two months ago.

This nigga is the same size as me.

I don't know why I thought

that nigga was 6'12" or something.

That nigga is two inches taller than me,

and he talk like that for real.

We in a restaurant, he, "Hey, yo, b*tch.

"Let me get some water and some lemon. "

"Now, nigga, why are you hollering?

We in a restaurant.

"Don't nobody holler like that

in no restaurant. "

You know, that nigga wasn't sh*t in school.

He couldn't cheat at all.

"Hey, yo, b*tch.

What's the answer to number seven?"

"Nigga, you need to be in a special class.

What the... "

I'm out there in LA.

I've been making friends

with basketball players.

Just niggas I've been watching

for a long time.

People like Ruben Patterson

from the Portland Trail Blazers

and Shaquille O'Neal.

Just big six-foot, eight-foot niggas.

I found out I can't even really be friends

with these niggas in public

'cause they too f***ing tall.

I'm trying to congratulate you on the game.

You got your dick

all around my forehead region.

This is bullshit.

"Nigga, good game, good game. "

Just saying you got to live your life.

See, I notice a lot of this sh*t

'cause I have a disease.

I'm allergic to stupid sh*t.

Now, some of y'all

might have that same disease,

but, if you have the disease,

you know for a fact

that it does not start when you an adult.

It starts when you a child.

I can remember as a child

being allergic to stupid sh*t.

I can remember being in class.

The teacher said, "Katt, stand up. "

"B*tch, I am standing up. "

I hate her so much. I really do.

She says, "Spell 'kitchen'."

So, I sounded it out,

as I had been instructed to do.

"Kit-chen. Kit-chen. "

"K-I-T... Ch... Ch... C-H-E-N."

She said, "Very good. Very good.

Spell 'knife'."

Now, once again, church,

I sounded this motherf***er out.

"Knife. "

"Knife. "

"N-I-F-E. Knife. "

She said, "No, no, I'm sorry. It's K-N-I-F-E."

This b*tch is stupid, she really is.

"Uh, yes, that would be ka-nife. Ka-nife. "

This is what she told me

in front of the whole class.

She said the "k" is silent.

I said, "Then take

that quiet motherf***er out, then,

"'cause it's confusing me. "

Right after class,

I cut that b*tch with a ka-spoon.

Just what the f*** are you talking about?

Now, just in case you think I'm tripping,

we are all adults now.

Can you please tell me

the purpose of the silent letter?

Have you ever been able

to use one in your own personal life?

"My name is Bob. That's B-K-O-B."

"No, nigga, your name is Bkob.

It's right there, Bkob. "

Math. Math was my favorite subject,

because everything that had been said,

I could verify.

She said, "Two and two is four. "

Damn sure is.

All the time, nigga. All the time.

Then one day this b*tch

just flipped the script.

"Three X plus Y equals what?"

This b*tch is still teaching.

Do you see this sh*t?

"Did you notice some of them was letters?

"Yes, b*tch, that's for words and sentences. "

Now, that was just the sh*t

they told us when we were little.

Now that we grown,

these motherfuckers still think we stupid.

They got commercials on television

where they lie

and tell the truth at the same time.

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