Katt Williams Live Page #4

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Now, how f***ing stupid do I have to be

for you to lie

and tell the truth at the same time?

They got commercials say

you can get a brand-new Expedition.

No credit, bad credit, bankrupt,

divorce, parole violation,

whatever your problem is,

on approved credit.

Did you say no credit,

bad credit, on approved credit?

That's like you go to the club

and a girl tell you,

"I'm gonna give you some p*ssy. Never. "

But that's not the same, then. That's...

Then they got commercials for medication

where the side effect

is worse than the sh*t that they're curing.

And I didn't think

nobody was noticing but me.

All I'm saying,

if I'm taking something for asthma,

I don't need the side effect

to be shortness of breath.

That's what the f*** I came to you for!

They got some sh*t called Xenical.

Now, Xenical is a fat blocker.

And if weight is heavy on your mind,

you got to be excited about

something called a fat blocker,

because you might not necessarily

wanna stop eating,

but you wouldn't mind something

blocking the fat every now and again.

They show you the lady.

She's a little overweight. She's unhappy.

Three seconds later,

she's in a bikini running through flowers,

and you think,

"I want to run through some flowers, too. "

Because you envision a pill in your throat

all day just blocking fat. Just...

Then they say possible side effects

are gas with an oily discharge,

diarrhea and the inability to stop it.

What the f***?

Gas with an oily...

It's already embarrassing

to fart in church as it is.

Now you got to ruin your clothes?

You just...

That ain't never coming out, lady.

No, nigga, that's oil. That's oil.

Just gotta make your own decisions.

They tell you

you should not smoke cigarettes

because it will stunt your growth.

And when you a kid they tell you,

"Drink all your milk,

"eat your vegetables,

"so that you can grow up big and strong. "

And I remember as a child

drinking milk every day.

"Just bring a cow in and let me

get up under him and drink

"some fresh milk

"so I can be big and strong.

"Broccoli. Give me all the broccoli,

and greens and spinach. "

Let me show y'all some sh*t

y'all not gonna believe.

Would my mother and father

please stand up in the audience right now?

I'm looking around.

Now, look up there at my parents

up at the top.

My daddy 5'5" and my mama 5'3".

What the f*** was I drinking milk for?

Sh*t!

I could have been eating Lemonheads

and baked beans all day.

Y'all don't know. It ain't no fun.

Cincinnati right now worried about

black and white prejudice.

That ain't sh*t compared to the prejudice

of being short

in American society.

This is bullshit.

You don't know how I had to overcome.

Ain't no parades. Ain't no marches.

Jesse Jackson don't show up.

All the sh*t y'all take for granted,

like that little thing

your mama put by the door

to mark your size every year.

We just had one dark-ass line.

My mama wrote

"Forget about it" on the top of it.

Just one dark...

Then you grow up and be the same size.

You got to be a pimp.

You can't just be no regular nigga this size.

I can't even go to an amusement park.

F*** Kings Island. I don't give a f***.

I'm a grown-ass man.

What you mean,

I can't ride this goddamn ride?

I'm a grown-ass man!

Spent $100,

I gotta ride in a teacup with little kids. Just...

This is bullshit.

When we get out this motherf***er,

I am gonna kick your motherfucking ass.

Just saying life is short.

Got to make up your own rules.

Make up your own rules.

We be wanting to do better so bad.

You got to be happy

with however your life is right now.

That don't mean you don't want to do better,

but you gotta be happy

with whatever you got right now.

If you got a raggedy car,

stop talking sh*t about your raggedy car.

That's your raggedy car.

You need to go home

and wash the sh*t out that motherf***er.

Put Armor All and everything on it.

That way, when you leave the club,

you don't have to have

that raggedy car conversation.

Now, we all know

the raggedy car conversation.

Some of y'all can't laugh right now

'cause you might have to use it later,

but we all know

the raggedy car conversation.

You leave the club, you just...

"I don't need no bullshit.

I don't need no bullshit. "

You f*** around

and crank that motherf***er. You hear...

Now you gotta act like you ain't ready

to leave the club.

"What y'all niggas doing? What y'all doing?

"I'm gonna hang out five minutes.

See what's going on. "

Just gotta be happy with whatever you got.

That way you don't accidentally

end up becoming no hater.

You mad 'cause you got a raggedy car.

Now, when you pull up at the stoplight,

you gotta look at the nigga in the Escalade

like he made a f***ed-up decision.

You just in the car, just...

That's bullshit.

You gotta be happy

with whatever you got in your life.

Let me give you a perfect example.

Married people, make some noise.

Now, did you hear how depressing

that sh*t sounded?

Who would ever want to be married

with you motherfuckers clapping like that?

Let's try it again.

Married people, make some noise.

Yes.

I don't care how

f***ed up your marriage is,

if you done found a motherf***er

to walk with you day in and day out,

that is some beautiful sh*t.

You got to be happy about that.

One more time, married people.

Make some motherfucking noise.

Yes, yes, okay.

Let's see what we're working with.

Do we have any newlyweds at all?

Newlyweds?

Right there.

Uh-huh, and where else?

Right... Right over there.

Okay, stand up if you're newlyweds.

I can't see you.

You gonna have to stand...

Right there. Uh-huh.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

I see a nigga standing up by himself.

Oh, there she is. Okay.

I can tell y'all newlyweds.

Y'all been f***ing all day.

She tired. She got up like this.

"This nigga's crazy. I can't keep doing this. "

Okay, so how long y'all been married?

A month.

- A month?

- A month and a half.

Oh, where's the month and a half?

Raise your hand, month and a half.

Where's a month?

What you got back there?

A month and a half!

A month... That nigga's...

You hear that nigga? "A month and a half!

"And loving every minute of it!

"I don't know what took me so long. "

'Cause, you know, black people,

we'll go together for 36 years,

finally get married.

You know, "All the kids in college now.

I'm gonna do this.

"I'm gonna make you my wife. "

That's some beautiful sh*t

for a month and a month and a half.

That's wonderful sh*t.

Let's find out where the veterans are.

Do we have any veteran married couples?

Who been married more than 10, 15 years?

What we got?

- What you got, ma'am?

- Twenty.

Twenty? Can anybody beat 20?

What we got? Can we beat 20?

- Sh*t, we got...

- Twenty-eight!

Sh*t, 28, but you're so far back

you don't count.

You should have bought your tickets early.

I can barely see you.

That motherf***er's outside

by the fountain, "Twenty-eight!"

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