Katt Williams Live Page #5

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Who we have right here? We had 24.

Where was 24 at? Where was... There it was.

Yeah, okay stand up, 24,

so we can get a look at you. Go on.

Wait, wait. "No, no, no"? No?

You sure?

'Cause we can make this whole segment

about y'all personally,

if you don't want to comply

with my wishes and demands.

Oh, look.

Kirk Franklin don't want to

stand up with his wife

'cause that ain't really his wife.

He been married 24 years.

She got a boyfriend.

They can't even stand up.

They sitting there like hostages now.

"What the f*** did you put your hand up for?

"I told you to keep your goddamn

"hands down. "

That's some beautiful sh*t

for motherfuckers married 24 and 28 years.

Twenty-six!

Twenty-six. I left that out.

I thought that went

between 24 and 28, nigga.

That nigga don't want to be left out.

"Twenty-six!"

Thought we were doing bingo in this b*tch.

That's E 26.

That's so long. I can't even...

Sh*t!

Twenty-four,

twenty-six, twenty-eight years.

Just... Goddamn, that's beautiful.

Just day after day after day

of the same motherf***er.

Just every time you wake up...

Just, "Sh*t! You again!

"Why don't you all go on a vacation

or some sh*t?"

That's some beautiful sh*t.

If you done found somebody

to walk with you every day... See...

See, a month, a month and half, see...

Sometimes, y'all still have arguments

and disagreements,

but at 24, 26 and 28,

these motherfuckers don't even talk

to each other no motherfucking more.

Sometimes she just be looking at him.

"Just look at this nasty-ass nigga.

"He gonna smell that shirt.

It smell like yesterday, motherf***er!

"Put it on! I don't give a sh*t.

I don't give a sh*t. "

Sometime he be looking at her like,

"She gonna ask me,

does this dress make her look fat?

"I ought to just go on and tell her,

'I see you naked!

"'Stop blaming it on the dress!"'

But that's some beautiful sh*t,

if you done found somebody to walk

with you every goddamn day.

Now, let me show you something,

if you don't mind.

Single people,

make some motherfucking noise.

Now did you hear...

Did you hear how exciting that sounded?

I know that a month, a month and a half,

had a flashback

to when you, too,

was happier than a motherf***er. Just...

'Cause as single people,

we always act like we the sh*t.

And we are. We really are.

We the sh*t as long as we out.

We quick to tell a motherf***er,

"When you going home?"

"When the f*** I want to go home.

"I'm single, free to motherfucking mingle. "

That is till you get home

in that lonely-ass kitchen.

You just in the kitchen...

"Why won't you send me somebody, Jesus?"

I'm just saying, whatever you got in your life,

be happy with what you got.

Now, this next thing I'm gonna say

is just for the fellows.

If this don't apply to you,

just forget I even said it.

If you got a crazy-ass baby mama...

This nigga's testifying in the back. Just...

First of all, if your baby mama is that crazy...

Uh-huh.

I done say something about babies' mamas

and triggered this nigga's

Tourette's syndrome.

This nigga just calling out area codes.

Just, "513!

"404!

"213!

"686!"

If your baby mama is that crazy,

the first rule you need to remember

is keep your hands

to your motherfucking self,

because these police do not give a sh*t

about niggas

if they have to come to the house.

Oh, they don't give a sh*t.

You can be laying on the ground

with both of your eyes black

and your arm broke,

and she gonna be on the couch,

laughing her motherfucking ass off.

Policeman come. "Ma'am, did he hit you?"

"Hell no.

I knocked his motherfucking ass out!"

"Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

"But as you were knocking him out,

as he was falling back,

"did he clutch at you?

Did he clutch at you?"

"He damn sure did.

I half forgot all about that.

"Y'all say bye to your daddy,

"'cause he had clutched at me,

and I forgot in the shock of the moment. "

So rule number one

is keep your hands to yourself.

Rule number two

is if you got a crazy-ass baby mama,

just try and work with her ass if you can,

'cause you might not want

her motherfucking job.

That's all I'm gonna say.

I'm a single father. My son is nine.

I done have him

since he was nine months old.

All I'm saying is it's a job

raising these motherfuckers.

We do not give women enough credit

for this single-parent sh*t.

You can stop clapping.

Some of y'all ain't even good mothers.

Ain't good mothers at all.

Your baby at home right now alone.

Your baby sleepy and crying,

just waking up to...

"I don't want to watch cartoons no more!"

All I'm saying is there's more

to raising these motherfuckers

than being at the mall dressed alike, fellas.

That's all I'm saying.

It's a job raising these motherfuckers.

First of all, if you a parent,

you gonna be tired.

It ain't sh*t you can do about it.

My son wake up at 5:30

every motherfucking morning.

He don't give a sh*t about

weekends, weekdays,

national holidays, Katt Williams Day,

what time Daddy got home.

At 5:
30 every morning, he is up.

And not only is he up at an ungodly hour,

he ain't got no job. He ain't got no bills.

He ain't got no stress.

So not only is he up

before Jesus and the Mexicans,

he is happy.

He is happier than a motherf***er

for no apparent reason.

Just every morning at 5:30 he just,

"Good morning, Daddy!

"Time for some cereal. "

This is bullshit.

I could put that nigga to bed at 5:28.

At 5:
30 he just, "Good morning, Daddy!

"Time for some cereal. "

Sh*t!

If you've got young kids, just take my advice

and be happy

at whatever level your child is on.

Because as parents we always want our kids

to be doing some sh*t they ain't doing.

Like when my son couldn't talk,

all the f*** I wanted him to do was to talk.

Didn't nobody tell me that once

this nigga started talking,

he would be qualified to ask me

500 motherfucking questions

back to motherfucking back,

while we wait at a stoplight.

This nigga just in the car, just...

"Why is the McDonald's sign yellow, Daddy?

"What part of the chicken

is a chicken nugget, Daddy?

"What's the difference between

barbecue sauce and hot sauce?

"Is barbecue sauce just sweet and tangy

and hot sauce ain't tangy?

"What is tangy, Daddy?

Is that kind of like sour but it ain't sour?

"Why you crying, Daddy? Why you crying?"

"I don't know sh*t!"

That's my motherfucking nigga, though.

You just gotta figure your kids out.

You got to figure your kids out.

I know some of y'all

been letting your kids stress you.

Do not let your kids stress you.

You gotta understand the world

is against you and your baby.

The world is about money,

making money.

They don't give a f***

about you raising your children.

Commercials are 30 to 60 seconds long.

Your child's attention span

is 30 to 60 seconds long.

That's why they want everything.

You can go to the store and buy your child

everything in the toy store on aisle 7.

I swear before God,

he'll get to aisle number 8 and be like,

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