Keanu Page #5

So...

Damn!

Yo, I never knew my daddy.

- Really?

- No.

Man, George Michael the sh*t, man!

- Right, dawg?

- Right on, man.

Love that man.

Truth.

What is

the dirtiest, most f***ed-up

thing you've ever done?

Mmm...

You know, you don't have to...

This dude cheated on my sister

and I cut his dick off.

Oh... Uh...

F***, yeah!

That is the kind of sh*t

you should get paid for.

Thank you.

Okay, your turn, same question.

Most f***ed-up?

I once cut two d*cks off.

Yeah, that's right.

They didn't even see it coming.

Snuck up on them.

Got real close.

One of them was long, thin, pointy,

like a pencil.

The other one was short, girthy.

Had a little bit of heft to it.

Got up in there lickety-split,

snip, snip, yeah.

I took them, too.

So, yeah, I'm a motherfuckin' dick-taker.

300 for the dick-taker.

Okay.

- So, Allentown...

- What? Nigga, f***, what? Nigga.

Tell me about it, man. Was it crazy?

Surely should have been.

Was it...

Hells bells, hold on

to your shells, nigga.

Sh*t was crazy, sh*t was crazy.

We was just dodging bullets

on a everyday basis.

You know, just for survival.

But, you know, the thing

about me and Techtonic,

is our communication skills.

That's the backbone of our teamwork.

- You feel me?

- Yeah.

I get that.

All right.

- You know what?

- Mmm.

I never told y'all niggas how I got this.

A kid stabbed me

'cause I stole his Ring Pop.

That's awful, man.

How old were you?

Twenty-three.

Oh. Okay. Well...

Yeah, thank you for sharing, though.

That felt good.

I got one, too. Check it out.

Okay, yeah. Let's see that.

Buckshot.

Holding up a liquor store.

Oh, man.

And then he shot you, man. That's crazy.

Nah, actually, it made the news,

and when I got back to my

grandmamma house, she shot me.

Okay, you know, you need to spend

a little less time with your family.

I'm gonna advise that.

- Hell, yeah.

- So, what you got?

- Me? Oh, okay, let me, um...

- Yeah, yeah.

Come on, man.

You got a bunch of sh*t, man.

- Here it is.

- You ain't gotta be modest.

A damn-ass street fight.

Appendix.

Blam...

Your appendix?

- They took it out of my body.

- What?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Y'all don't even want to hear about

what went down with my wisdom teeth.

- Sh*t.

- Damn.

Truth or dare?

Dare.

Why would you choose dare?

Hmm...

I dare you

to shoot your friend.

You jokin'.

She's jokin'.

You know she's jokin', right?

I'm not joking.

That's $10,000.

What?

Hey.

Show us what it looks like

to see a man's brains explode.

Hey.

F*** it! He ain't my friend.

Hey! F***. Yo, Hi-C!

Don't let white girl tear us apart, Hi-C.

This is f***in' black-on-black violence.

This is how it happens.

Don't f***in'

let Anna Faris tear us apart!

Yes, come on.

Show us what death looks like.

Come on.

Do it. Do it, do it, do it.

Do it, do it, do it.

Do it, do it.

Do it!

F*** that!

The f*** is wrong with you?

Get it, then!

- What?

- Get the cash, motherf***er!

You broke my nose!

Look, look, look!

You f***ing peasant!

Crazy b*tch!

Bring your ass here, little Wendy!

Come on. Let's go!

Move!

Get in the back!

Move it!

Drive!

I gotta start the car.

You good?

Come on. Drive!

I said drive, motherf***er!

I'm going, I'm going.

- Seat belts and sh*t!

- Come on, y'all.

What the f*** is y'all singing?

George Michael.

Sh*t, don't break the goddamn van.

- Oh, Stitches!

- No, no.

You ain't gonna hit nobody.

Oh, there it goes!

We still got this party sh*t

- goin' on later or what?

- Yeah.

We're going

downstairs in a second.

Don't even worry about that.

About time you passed that sh*t, eh?

Here's the thing, man. I was, like...

Just say some... Yeah, dawg?

Shark Tank, can I catch

your ear for a second?

All right, dawg!

To be continued, y'all.

All right.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay, Stitches.

Nah!

I gotta tell you, man,

I'm having an amazing time,

and these are not bad people.

Clarence, Clarence, they're bad people.

- No, no...

- They're very, very bad.

Okay. They're drug dealers,

and I get all of that...

Listen to me. Listen to me.

- In the mansion, earlier...

- Yeah, yeah.

Hey! Shark!

Shark Tank! Come here!

Shut the f*** up, nigga.

Dumb motherf***er.

Okay. We'll just have

a couple more drinks,

and then we'll just go see

where Cheddar's at, right?

I never get to go out. I never go out.

I am doing something that Hannah asked.

This is for my marriage.

These drinks are for my marriage.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I cannot tell you how much

I appreciate that. All right.

Shark, you better hurry up!

Listen up, niggas.

We about to be out this motherf***er.

- Oh!

- You good?

You got me on that one.

You good, though?

Yeah, I'm good.

You good?

Yeah. I'm good.

Sh*t got crazy back there, huh?

You ain't never seen

nobody get killed before?

Me?

Yeah, I've seen people get killed before,

by me.

I was just trying to say that,

usually in Allentown,

we handle our business

a little bit more professionally.

Mmm-hmm. Okay.

You, uh...

You ever think about gettin' out the game?

No.

That's a shame.

I would imagine that

it's a tough job for a woman to be here.

Not that you can't,

because a woman can do

anything a man can do, but...

Yeah.

You think if I get out the game,

niggas gonna stop thinkin'

they own b*tches?

Well, I'm not like that.

You're not?

Nah.

I bet you, out there somewhere

there's a non-gangster motherf***er

that'd be real lucky to have you.

I mean...

You look kind of like

the female lion in The Lion King.

Nala.

That's crazy that you say that,

because it's, like, my favorite cartoon.

- Really?

- Yeah, and I'm a Leo.

That's crazy how you knew that.

You must be psychic or somethin'.

Wow.

You don't want to get mixed up

with a dude like me.

I'm a wanderer.

Oh, you gay.

- No.

- Yeah.

Why you think I'm gay, though?

I'm just messing with you, man.

I know you not gay.

How do you know?

I could tell you like girls.

Good.

I wanna thank you for earlier.

Really?

Like, for what?

For helping me kill those people.

Yeah. Well, I...

No. No. I...

I ain't help you kill them people.

You did that on your own.

It's kind of like we killed them together.

Nah, I think it's more like

you murdered them on your own.

Mmm. But I couldn't have

done it without you.

Agree to disagree with that one.

We killed them together.

Well, legally speaking,

I did not help you.

Mmm...

You all right?

I didn't...

You was kind of close.

Yeah.

Got my trick knee.

Why don't we go ahead

and finish this downstairs?

Mmm-hmm. You wanna... I go first.

Yeah. Go on.

Come on, y'all.

Let's go to this party, man.

- Hell, yeah.

- You heard her, y'all.

Niggas is in here caking and sh*t.

Allentown!

Whoo!

Excuse me. Can I come

through here for a second?

Excuse me!

- Hey!

- Hey, hey!

We said one drink!

Hey, but we're turning it out, man!

It's not "turn out," it's "turn up"!

And it's time to turn down, man!

Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Okay. I see what's going on.

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