Keanu Page #6

You're just mad

because they like Shark Tank

more than they like Techtonic!

What? No, no!

I'm sorry.

I just have a lot of personality.

I don't know what to tell you, brother.

- What?

- What?

First of all, I don't care

if they like Shark Tank

more than Techtonic.

They're murderers!

All right.

Second of all, no, they don't!

Yo, Tank!

What up?

Nah!

Yo, nigga, you aight?

Word to Big Bird I'm aight, dawg. Blam!

Aight, man.

Hey, Stitches, man.

Let me show you how we

smoke weed in Allentown.

Aight.

That's my boy, right there.

He know how to do it right.

- Yo, Shark Tank!

- Yeah, dawg?

Your turn, my nigga!

Well, you know,

I'm more one of them

pipe-smokin' niggas, you know.

You say a pipe?

- Thank God.

- Yeah.

Thank you so much, sir. Thank you. Yeah.

Here we go.

Yeah.

Gonna heat it up. Heat it on up.

Ooh. It's gonna be delicious.

Yeah.

Yo, I almost forgot.

Just got this done out back.

Oh...

- Sh*t!

- Sh*t!

That's actually the best tattoo

I've ever seen in my life!

Me, too, man. Me, too.

You want some, dawg?

Nah. I don't f*** with that Holy Sh*t.

Yo, you all right?

- Hey, man.

- Help him!

- Holy sh*t!

- Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t.

Sh*t!

Holy sh*t!

All right. You doin' all right, right?

Holy sh*t.

I think maybe we should go,

like, lay down somewhere.

Yo, nigga, you floatin'!

Am I in Heaven?

You're George Michael.

You're George Michael, man.

No. That's my favorite f***ing song.

That's it. I like when you do that...

That thing. That leg thing. That's my jam.

Oh, no, I can't.

There's no way I can spin.

No, I can't do it.

What? Oh... There it is.

Oh, it's so good.

George.

I have faith.

Hello?

Oh.

Hello, Clarence. It's me,

Keanu.

Meow.

Wait.

Are you...

Keanu Reeves?

Yeah.

I'm your spirit teacher.

People can't be excellent to you

unless you're being excellent to yourself.

I don't understand. What does that mean?

Clarence,

it's time to wake up.

Where you go from there

is a choice I leave to you.

Oh. Right.

The Matrix.

Dude, all you need to remember is...

Oh...

I get it.

Oh, let me get a picture...

Hannah!

Hi!

Hannah! Baby.

Hi, baby.

Oh, I miss you so much, baby.

How are you?

Not good.

Wait, where are you?

Oh, God. Oh... Huh?

What? No. I'm just out with Rell.

I'm doing me!

- Are you at a club?

- Yeah.

In fact, it's of the strip club variety,

and I've never done that,

and I'm just having some

really rugged fun, you know?

So, you're at a strip club

having rugged fun.

Yeah. No, it's not like that.

It's not about the degrading

of women or anything.

I'm here for a very specific reason.

And... No, that didn't sound right.

I'm sorry.

It's complicated.

I'll explain it to you tomorrow.

But it's all good. It's nothing bad.

Okay. Okay. Whatever.

But, baby...

This is what you said you wanted, right?

You said to have fun.

Whatever, Clarence. Whatever.

I just didn't think that

being in a strip club was your thing.

Yeah, well, you know... Sh*t. I mean...

What'd you think my idea

of fun was, right?

It ain't like my f***in'

lifestyle is some secret.

Why are you talking to me like that?

- See about it, then.

- What?

I said, why are you

talking to me like that?

I've never heard you

talk to me like that before.

I mean... I talk like that sometimes.

Yeah. All right. Okay.

Wait, what's wrong?

This is what you asked for, right?

Fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

I didn't want to ruin your weekend.

I just want you to know

that Spencer's been

a little inappropriate,

and I'm coming home tomorrow morning

instead of tomorrow night.

Inappropriate?

Spencer was inappropriate how?

Let's just say

he made me uncomfortable.

I can't get into it right now.

Baby, I gotta go.

You better behave yourself, too. Bye.

No, Hannah, please

don't hang up the phone.

Can you just explain to me

what's going on right now?

Hannah!

Hannah!

Yo, this party is crazy!

Oh.

Hey.

You aight?

Yeah, nigga. Yeah.

You know, just side b*tch.

Word, uh...

Well, Cheddar wants to holla at you.

Cool, yeah.

I'll let him know you're coming.

So, uh...

Hi-C tells me

y'all some bad motherfuckers.

Even taught my goons some new tricks.

Yeah, we taught them

how we do things in Allentown.

Yeah, well, um...

I got a big exchange tomorrow. I need you.

Help keep sh*t 100.

You know what I'm saying?

After that,

- New Jack here is yours.

- Um...

I think we'd prefer to stick

to the original arrangement.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay, I see.

Driving up the price.

Okay, 10 G's plus New Jack.

Nah.

Cheddar.

We just want the cat.

Shark Tank and I,

we getting a little sleepy.

Sleepy?

Hell, yeah, nigga, we sleepy.

And when them Allentown niggas get tired,

we gotta catch some Z's,

or else Allentown niggas get cranky.

Straight up.

Now, I know y'all ain't

gonna turn down 20 G's.

I mean, sh*t.

That's a lot of money even by

Allentown standards, right?

Well...

Let me tell you about Allentown standards.

By Allentown standards,

when a nigga make a deal,

a nigga make a goddamn deal.

Ooh... Shark...

And didn't nobody say nothing

about no exchange tomorrow.

So, let me tell you

how it's gonna go down.

You gonna give us our goddamn cat,

and we gonna be on our

goddamn way, Spencer!

Uh, Cheddar.

Take pimpin' upstairs

to the office for me.

- Give him some of that catnip he like.

- Mmm-hmm.

You know, um,

maybe, just maybe,

just take a little time

to think about my offer.

We don't need time. We need...

Time is good.

We need some time. You need some time.

We'll take some. You take some.

You do it here. We'll do it over here.

- What are you doing?

- What am I doing?

This motherf***er trying to side wind us.

What the f*** are you doing, Tech?

I'm not Tech. I'm not Tech.

I'm Rell. Clarence.

Well, I was staying in character.

What are you, Daniel Day-Lewis

all of a sudden? Come on, man!

Look, I spoke to Hannah on the phone,

- and she said that Spencer did something.

- What?

She wouldn't tell me, man. She hung up!

Okay...

It can't be that bad if she didn't say.

You almost got us killed, man, okay?

Look, Keanu needs you.

I need you. I need you.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

Okay. Then come on.

Okay. I'm good. I'm good.

All right. Let's get Keanu.

Let's get out of here.

Yes.

Watch the door. Keanu!

Keanu!

I said I was gonna take care of you.

And I failed.

But I'm here now.

Get that off you.

I'm here for you, buddy.

I love you.

Okay.

All right, go, go, go. Just walk.

I see. I get it now,

because when I stand up for myself,

that means I'm standing up

for Hannah and Belle,

and when I don't stand up for myself,

I'm not standing up for them.

Clarence, you can keep on talking,

but just know, I think we just won.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh, you're right.

Gosh, that was so weird, wasn't it?

I mean, we just walked right out of there.

Biscuits.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

Oh... F*** me.

What?

Oh, you know what?

Guess you don't know who you messing with

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