Keanu Page #7

because you being

crazy disrespectful right now.

Hey! If you f***ing touch

one hair on my cat's head,

I will kill you!

- Help!

- Never mind.

Okay, yes, yes.

Putting them down. Putting the guns down.

Yes, that's good.

Yes, thank you, thank you!

- Hey.

- Thank you.

- They like Keanu.

- That's good.

We do, too.

We like Keanu as well.

Everybody here seems to like Keanu,

so we can agree on that, right, guys?

Hey, we're fun dudes. We're friends!

Please!

What do you want from us?

- Oh, God!

- Oh, f***.

Oh, my God. Are those tiny penises?

No!

Please, Lord, let those be fingers.

They're f***ing fingers, man.

They're f***ing fingers.

Oh, my God!

Hey! Listen, if you let us go,

I might be able to get you visitor passes

to a meeting of the Senate

Foreign Relations Committee

if they're not in a closed session!

Oh, my gosh!

That just worked.

I don't f***ing know how that worked.

I have a friend.

I have a friend.

A friend of mine went to grade

school with the speechwriter

for John Kerry, a former

presidential candidate.

Oh, my God. I think this is working.

- No.

- Why would this be working?

I think that they

are going to murder us to death!

Oh, my God!

Lord save me now, please!

Oh, f***.

Keanu.

No! What is that one?

- Why are you doing this?

- Buddy...

Gentlemen, please,

why can't we just talk about this?

Can't we just...

Okay, ready?

Just take a deep breath...

Get that b*tch!

Get that b*tch!

Get that b*tch.

Yeah, get that b*tch!

Get that, b*tch!

No, not the f***ing knife.

Man.

I'm saying...

I don't know what I'm saying.

I don't know... Wait, wait, wait.

I think we're gonna need more time.

Just give us a little bit more time.

Sir, I'm begging you, please.

Think about, dig in to

yourselves, into your souls.

Why would you have to

do something like this?

Please, no.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

I got you!

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!

Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes, Rell.

- Back up!

- Thank you, God, for this!

Back up!

Okay. Yes. We gotcha!

F***ing got you, motherf***er!

Just don't move, all right?

We're gonna take our cat,

and we're gonna be on our way!

- If you don't mind.

- Keanu!

- Keanu!

- Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Drop the f***ing... Hey, back up!

What are you doing? Stop moving forward!

Stop walking!

Stop walking toward us!

Stay right there!

Why are you walking toward us?

Why are you walking toward us?

Hey, knock it off! Knock it off!

We will fire these guns and

shoot bullets into your body.

Count of three.

We gotta f***ing shoot them.

I can't shoot them!

I will not kill somebody.

- Clarence, we gotta do it!

- I cannot do it!

Okay, one...

I said the count of three.

I know. I'm sorry.

- I said the count of three.

- I heard you say...

- Yeah.

- I heard it. Oh, my God!

We've killed people!

Why "we"?

Why "we"? No, you did it!

- What, no!

- I didn't shoot anybody.

Okay.

Okay, we just murdered those people.

- That's okay. All right.

- Okay.

- We should go. We should go.

- Ah...

Keanu!

Here, kitty, kitty!

Oh, God.

Uh... Kitty, kitty!

Keanu!

Thought y'all motherfuckers was dead.

Didn't say goodbye or nothing.

Oh, and my cat, New Jack?

The one I would never give up

to two niggas like y'all?

He was gone, too.

And now I see that you are, in fact,

holding that nigga New Jack as we speak.

Hi-C,

get my cat.

Hey, hey, you two!

What's that?

That?

That's just a nigga in the trunk, man.

What you think?

Because that's

how we roll, motherf***er.

That's our car.

We be putting niggas

in this trunk all the time.

This the last day this

motherf***er's alive, man.

Oh, sh*t! Don't kill me!

- Oh, sh*t.

- What?

Oh, Rell!

Rell's cousin! F***!

Make sure you got your keys.

Here's the deal, man.

This nigga right here? He stole your cat.

That's him.

We just got your cat back for you.

That is a hurtful lie!

Yo, Cheddar.

That's Hulka.

That's whose apartment that Trunk and Bud

stole the cat from.

He probably tryin' to steal him back.

Yo, it wasn't my place!

It was their place!

- There you go.

- That's what happened.

Your girl know what's up.

Give me the keys. Give me the keys.

You don't need to...

Cheddar. Look,

I don't even know if you remember this.

I met you at the club once. Hulka. Hulka.

Look, come on, man...

Kill this motherf***er.

- What? No! Come on, man!

- Kill him?

Like, end his life so

the motherf***er expires?

Take the soul out of his body?

But we can't do that,

and I'll tell you why.

Because we don't have a gun.

- We ain't got no guns.

- That's why.

This...

- Thank you.

- Appreciate it.

- Thanks for the gun.

- I really appreciate it.

You looking out, and that's why

I respect you, Cheddar.

That was

efficient as f***. Um...

Hey, you know what, Techtonic?

What's that?

Do the honors, dawg.

You one considerate motherf***er.

- I do what I can, dirt.

- Just do it!

No, no, please don't!

Don't kill me. Don't shoot me!

I don't want to die.

Come on, I just want to build motorcycles,

and be a stunt man in my spare time, yo!

Oh, God, I didn't want this.

Rell, Rell.

Come on, bro.

F***ing do it.

Can't do it!

And you have many more guns than I do.

So, I give you this one.

Y'all ain't from f***in' Allentown.

F***in' knew it.

In a sense,

aren't we all from Allentown?

George Michael is

a real nigga, though, right?

He's not black. I lied about that.

He is not black, and I apologize.

Nah!

And he probably

had a f***in' father figure

the whole f***in' time.

I can't speak to that.

I don't know the man personally.

B*tch, shut the f*** up!

You don't get to talk!

Y'all talk too damn much.

- I don't talk that much.

- What?

Take this nigga out.

No! Please!

Not in front of us.

Please, not in front of us.

Oh.

Just taking me out from the trunk?

Oh, thank you.

And put him in our trunk.

Aw, man.

Okay. Okay.

Well, anything better

than being shot, you heard?

Right? Oh, I stand corrected! No, no, no!

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

Oh, this is f***ing gross!

Oh, this is f***in'...

Motherf***er!

- So, my name is Rell.

- And I am Clarence.

Look.

You two morons is coming with us.

Allentown or not, y'all gonna

be my Allentown niggas today.

You do anything stupid,

and you're f***in' dead.

- Okay.

- Yep.

That goes without saying at this point.

That gun is so close to my head.

Is that necessary?

Welcome to my home, guys. How you doing?

Anything? Beer, wine, liquor, girls?

Videogames?

No?

Bacon Diaz.

I heard you had a baller crib,

but this is practically

Neverland f***in' Ranch out here.

Thank you. Thanks.

Who the f*** is...

That's them.

That's them?

The Allentown niggas.

Los Phantomas?

Yep. They the ones

that killed your cousin.

And we here to collect the bounty.

Wait...

No f***in' way these guys

could be the Phantomas, man.

They're like shadows, man.

They're like the boogeyman

and sh*t, you know?

- No, you're right.

- Good eye.

But what happened was

I was trying to get my cat.

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