Kelly & Cal Page #2

but her son needs

a new f***ing ramp.

Yeah, whatever.

She was probably secretly

pleased when it happened.

It gave her something to do.

F***ing clip my wings

just a little bit.

My father, on the other hand,

completely convinced

that I'm not gonna be

in this chair long enough

to warrant getting a new ramp.

He's all bedazzled by these

new advances

in stem cell research,

you know...

theoretical advances, mind you.

"You'll be vertical in no time,

buddy."

Vertical.

F***ing jock.

Sh*t.

My bad.

- It's not you.

He does this all the time.

It's like he hates me.

- What's his name?

- Jackson.

- Jackson?

No wonder he hates you.

- Can I call him Jack?

- Yeah, sure.

- You ever try swaddling?

- What?

- Swaddling.

May I?

- Okay.

- Hand him to me.

- Hold his head.

- Try to take this blanket off

here.

You don't want him to get

too hot.

Hello, Jack.

There we go.

Look at that, buddy.

Hey, Jack, that's my quiet

little friend right there.

- Where did you learn that?

- I used to work

at this halfway house

for recovering meth addicts.

There was a lot of unwed mothers

there and just...

it was terrible.

- Really?

- No, I have a baby cousin

I take care of sometimes.

Mostly I just do it

to mess with my dad's head.

He gets so excited.

He's like, "Good job, son."

You know that's the first thing

he asked the doctor

when I got injured was,

can I still get laid?

Of course, he asked

in more respectable terms,

like can I still have babies?

Now, that is what most people

want to know,

except usually, you know,

they're too scared to ask

unless they're drunk.

It's pretty amazing

what they can do these days

for these guys that are,

like, hardcore crips...

you know, those guys

that can't move, like,

zip, zilch, nothing, right?

- How do they...

- They have this, like,

anal vibrator thing,

and they just stick it

up the guy's ass

and basically stimulate the

poor f***er until he orgasms,

then clean up the baby batter,

use it for in vitro.

Boom, he's off and running.

So I guess never stop believing.

- That's great.

That... that's...

- Yeah.

- That they can do that.

- Fortunately, for some of us,

we don't need that much help.

And the answer's yes,

if the lady's on top.

But also my tongue still works.

- Okay, I'm gonna go.

Um, it was nice talking to you.

Thanks for sharing your place.

Um...

- Hey, if you ever need

a swaddling,

come on back.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

I know. I know. I know.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just trying to...

I don't know.

- Here, here.

Just let me have him.

You all right?

Ooh, man, buddy.

What's up?

I suck.

I suck at this.

- Jack, my main man,

you made it back.

So where did you get drums?

- Dear old Dad.

You know, I was bummed out

about the guitar,

so he went

on a bit of a shopping spree.

You got problems,

you throw money at it.

It's a very sophisticated

emotional technique, you know?

- And what happened

to the guitar?

- The guitar, it's nothing.

I mean, it's my hands.

Don't look so f***ing sad.

I can still do plenty of things,

providing it doesn't require

any fine motor skills.

Sh*t, even a one-armed dude

could be a drummer, right?

- Yeah.

So where's this guitar?

Wow.

- You like?

- Sweet.

It's been a while.

I-I would have to cut my nails.

- Jack, listen to your mom.

She's f***ing rocking it.

- He likes you.

- Yeah, well, that's 'cause

I talk to him,

you know, like a real person,

man to man.

Isn't that right, Mr. Jack?

- It's that simple?

- It really... yeah, I mean,

it's pretty amazing

what a straightforward

conversation

between equals

can accomplish, you know?

- Maybe I should try that.

- Where'd you learn to play?

- I was in a band.

- Wait, wait, wait.

You were in a band.

- Yes.

Why do you look so surprised?

I wasn't always

a suburban housewife.

I was young and wild once.

- Well, let me guess.

You were in, like, a mid-'90s

kind of riot grrrl band

type thing?

- What? What do you know

about riot grrrls?

It was kind of like

Sleater-Kinney, in a way.

So you were, like, a guitarist?

- I played bass,

and I wrote all the lyrics.

- Sleater-Kinney didn't have

a bassist.

- You are very smart.

No, they didn't.

We aspired to be

like Sleater-Kinney.

- So what was your band's name?

- We were called Wet Nap.

Wet Nap?

Yeah, we thought it would be

kind of gritty and dirty,

and we liked the fact

that it had the word "wet"

in it, you know.

- So like Wet-Nap,

like the thing you...

like, after you eat ribs,

you get a moist towelette

and you wipe your ribs grease?

- Yeah, actually...

That was actually

one of our biggest songs.

I'm not kidding.

- What?

No way.

- It was called Moist Towelette,

and we would play it

in the middle of the show,

and that's when everybody

would lose their sh*t.

- You are jerking my chain

right now.

- Well, I'd like to hear that

sometime.

- Maybe you will.

- What is that?

Are you gonna start

break-dancing for me?

You gonna break-dance?

- This, my little millennial

smart-ass,

is a device used for playing

an obsolete form

of musical technology

called the cassette tape.

- Okay.

- And in the olden days before

MP3s and all that garbage,

we used this as the homemade

recording device of choice.

- Moist Towelette.

- I don't know.

Is it?

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah, yeah.

- My God!

- All right.

Dude!

- Dude, that is

so f***ing excellent.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

How...

I was... um, I can't talk.

I guess we were all right.

Also, before there were blogs

and the interwebs

and you couldn't touch and feel

everything,

we primitives liked

to share our information

and spread the fire

through little things

called zines.

- Zines.

That's really cool.

That art, it's...

Yeah, you know, I used to be,

like, really good at that too.

Like,

I had scholarships lined up

and everything for art.

- I want to see that sometime.

- Yeah, well, I burned them all.

- Okay, well,

do you recognize anybody?

- That's you.

My God,

that's you on the left.

- Yep.

We were loud and proud.

- Hey, they're here.

- Okay, I'll be right down!

- I'm gonna go

start up the grill!

- You do that, honey.

- Thanks, Dad.

Here you go.

- Think fast.

And in case you're

wondering, I like mine toasted.

Sh*t, I almost forgot.

- You know what?

I think

something's wrong with her.

No, really.

Are you guys okay?

- F*** off, Julie.

- You f*** off.

- Kiddies.

- Such language.

- Come on, guys.

- Deviled eggs.

- Do you even like deviled eggs?

- His family can just be

so annoying and 1950s.

I felt like taking it

to the next level...

you know, whipping up

some deviled eggs.

- Clearly, yeah, deviled eggs.

- Did they eat them, at least?

- Yeah, it was good.

It's a baby.

Excuse us.

We must look like freaks.

- Not me.

You with the hair.

- Well, did you know about him

and his family or whatever

before you got married?

- I didn't think they would be

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