Kelly & Cal Page #4

this little slutty counterfeit.

It was... whatever.

And then I... you know,

I didn't want to stay home

and feel like a loser,

so I asked somebody out,

and it was this guy named Gordy.

- Gordy?

- Yes, Groovy Gordy.

Groovy Gordy was the

weed connection on our campus,

so I thought I was sort of

one-upping my boyfriend,

but it turns out

Groovy Gordy was really

a D&D playing,

fantasy novel-reading loner

who spent lots of time

in his head,

so we end up at his house

watching this... this thing

called Zardoz

while he's just fumbly trying

to unhook my bra,

and it was just...

- Wait, wait, what is Zardoz?

- You don't want to know.

It was just... the whole thing

was a total debacle,

and, you know,

as far as prom goes,

there are worse things

than opting out entirely.

I like that, opting out.

Well, it's getting late for me.

- Okay.

- It was nice hanging.

I guess I'll see you

when I see you.

- Okay.

Thanks for the nachos,

nacho lady.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Good night out?

- Yeah, it was... nice.

- Well, I was hoping they'd

get you a little liquored up

so I could take advantage

of you.

That's sweet.

Were you busy lighting candles?

- Yeah, I just, um...

well, I wanted to try

and make you feel sexy again.

- Really?

- Come here.

Hi.

- Hi.

- You know...

if you're still too sore

down there,

we can do it up the butt.

Whatever makes you feel sexy.

- So, you know,

if you're going to pretend

to be all sensitive

and emotional and sh*t,

you might want to lay off

the anal sex requests.

Unless you just do jing jang

'cause you can't admit

you saw it in a video

with a Ukrainian girl.

Sorry.

I shouldn't say all that stuff

about your dad,

'cause I love your daddy,

and he loves your mommy.

Ooh.

Okay.

It's all good.

Crap.

Yay, it's Meemaw.

- This is one of my favorites.

- I just love that outfit.

- Thank you.

Yeah, I got this...

- I love this outfit.

- Mine?

- Yes, you look so fanta...

- Hey, Bev.

- Hey.

I've got a surprise for you.

- A surprise?

- Kelly, come meet Mitzi.

She does makeovers.

- Actually, I like to say

I offer

head-to-toe transformation.

Hi.

- Okay, come on

and sit down right over here.

- It'll be fun!

- So I understand

you've been feeling

a little down and dumpy

and housewifey.

Let's start with that hair.

Home job, I take it?

- Yeah, but it's Manic Panic.

It's just...

- Lord,

like that old Bangles song,

Just Another Mangled Monday?

- I hear you.

Anyway, I think

it can be salvaged.

- And we also brought along

some outfits for you to try on.

- And a little pixie dust

to bring out the natural beauty

in you.

So...

shall we get started?

- Yes.

- Okay.

I like transforming.

Check me out.

Eat your heart out.

- What happened to you?

- It's a depressed mommy

makeover.

- Was that Julie's idea?

- Actually, it was Bev's,

because, really,

what psychological problem/

existential crisis

can't be fixed

with a good makeover?

- Well, you're creeping me out.

You look like my mom.

- Is that such a bad thing?

- Yes.

Yes, it is a bad thing.

- No, think about it.

I could sign

your permission slips.

I could get you out of

those pesky sessions

with the school counselor

that you love.

I could just bail you

out of class whenever.

- For the love of God

and all that is holy,

please change that shirt.

- You gotta lose

those barrettes too.

- Yes, sir.

- You know, it's a shame

about that turquoise.

It was really growing on me.

- I know.

Me too.

But you can't solve the blues

with blue hair, you know?

- God, did Bev say that?

- No, actually,

the transformation lady said it.

- That's awesome.

So how was your day at school?

- School was swell.

Let me see.

I passed my chem exam.

We watched a very enlightening

video about STDs.

Um, tried to ignore

Zack and Bailey

inhaling each other's face off

in the library all day.

- F*** 'em.

- Yeah, f*** 'em.

No plans for the evening?

- No.

- What, no candlelit dinner

with the hubby?

- No, he's at work.

He's gonna be home late again.

He has a very big deadline,

very big.

- He works late a lot,

doesn't he?

- Yeah, well, he has

a really high-pressure job.

- You don't think

he's cheating on you?

- No.

- Yeah, it's too clich, right?

Pregnant wife,

right after the baby's born.

Listen, I have a question

for you.

Um...

do you have a... a nice dress?

- A dress?

- Yes, a nice dress.

Something nice, you know,

you wear to formal events

and that kind of thing?

- Yeah, 'cause I go

to a lot of formal events.

Ha!

Why?

- Because I want to take you

somewhere nice.

- Well, that's sweet of you,

unless you're being sarcastic,

in which case it's really mean.

- No, no, no, I'm not.

- Where are you gonna take me?

- Can't tell you.

Surprise.

- Except you have to tell me.

Otherwise, I'm not gonna go

anywhere.

- Sure, you are.

Sounds like it'll require

a trip to, like, a thrift shop,

consignment, vintage,

whatever hipsters call it.

- How nice of a dress

are you talking about?

- Just something that makes you

feel pretty and fancy.

- I'm not going to your prom,

Cal.

- F*** the prom.

- So?

- So buy a dress.

Something young and sexy

and not mommyish,

not that mommies aren't sexy

sometimes.

- No, you don't understand.

I'm not going to your prom.

- Just buy the damn dress, okay?

It's for Special Teens award.

- Special Teens?

- Special Teens.

You've been nominated

best new mentor.

I was gonna give you

Mentor of the Year,

but, you know,

it seemed like overkill.

You're special, all right.

- Just buy the damn dress, okay?

- Okay.

- Hello.

- Hi.

It's me.

- Hey, is everything all right?

- Yeah.

I was just calling to say hi.

- Hi, you.

- Hi.

- The baby sleeping okay?

- Yeah, he fought it

for a little bit,

but now he's down.

- Good, good.

- So you gonna be there late

again tonight?

- Yeah, unfortunately.

Definitely don't wait up.

You should get some sleep

while you can.

- Okay.

Bye.

- We made pie!

- We thought

the kids might like it.

- What kids?

- The Special Teens, you know?

- I'm not doing that today.

- Why not?

Aren't you feeling okay?

- You look okay to me.

- No, I'm-I'm not feeling

up to it.

- That was fast.

- What?

- The novelty wear off?

- No.

- Do you think that they feel

like being in a wheelchair

or having a seeing eye dog

or service monkey

or whatever their

unfortunate circumstances are?

They don't get a choice.

- She's not saying

she'll never go again.

She just needs a day off.

- Right, that's...

- You know, we don't want to let

a good pie go to waste.

Right, Kelly?

- Yeah.

Okay, I'll get us plates.

- Make it a chocolate cream pie!

- Twist my arm!

- Everybody always makes it

sound like it's our fault,

like we're these terrible,

career-obsessed women

too selfish to stop

and have kids

until it's too late.

What about the man-children

in their late 30s

blowing huge chunks

of their life

playing Grand Theft Auto?

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