Kenny Page #2

But, uh, I don't know,

you know...

If a woman walks in after you,

kill 'em. Knock 'em in half.

I've always understood

that people...

I know everyone does get

embarrassed by taking a crap.

You wouldn't wanna be doing it

in the middle of Bourke Street...

...butt-naked,

trying to poo into a cup.

I mean, even dogs...

if you watch a dog crap...

...even a dog's embarrassed

to do poos.

You know when

they're doing a poo...

...they're all bent over like they're

trying to root a cricket ball...

...but even they... Even they

get embarrassed.

And that's a dog.

And they'll eat it!

This is, uh... What am I

down to? Four strings.

I was given this guitar

by a mate of mine.

He used to play a bit of music.

And he had a bit of an accident.

And, uh... His job,

he was working...

...got his hand crushed

in a machine.

He couldn't play

the guitar anymore, so...

...he gave me this.

And I always swore

I'd learn to play the guitar...

...but I haven't really learnt.

The only thing I've learnt is that

if I hit the strings really hard...

...they break.

I think it takes a certain

kind of person to do what I do...

...and it's just about having

a thick skin.

No-one's ever impressed

with what you do.

No-one's ever fascinated...

...or no-one ever wants to come

and see what you do, or...

I imagine, if you were a fireman...

...all the kids would want to jump

on the back of the truck...

...and follow you to a fire.

There's gonna be no kids

keen to do that.

I don't do it for the glory.

I don't do it to impress people.

It's a job. But, you know,

it's... it's what I know.

It's my trade.

And I actually think

I'm pretty good at it.

That's not bad stuff, that.

As you can see, I've got

a few different aftershaves...

...which obviously,

in my line of work...

...doesn't hurt to have

a few of those on hand.

A bit of an arsenal.

These are, uh... A mate of mine...

...he's over in Japan

at the moment.

You should have

a look at these.

These are pictures...

they're pictures of a toilet.

They must stand over it.

God knows

how they keep that clean.

Over here, you sit right on

the pan and they still miss it.

How would you be?...

There's Robbo's feet there. See?

Look at this thing here. It's out of 'Star

Wars' or something.

This is the toilet here.

And see the armrest?

That's the control panel for it.

He hasn't explained

what they all are.

But it's got

two different settings...

...for a water jet

to shoot up your date -

...must be to wash it

or something.

This must be the heater,

or God knows what that is.

And, jeez, look at this.

This has got a speed dial.

And I don't know what that is...

...whether it's a television

or it takes an X-ray of your...

You know, I tell you what,

this'll be the future.

We'll all be sitting

on space-age shitters.

Not one single photo

of his holiday trip.

I wouldn't have a clue

where he's been...

...but I know he's had two craps.

What's the go

with putting the toilets...

...outside of the venue?

Well, that was where we were

told to put it originally.

Not on the drawing.

Well... Even though

it's on the outside of the fence...

...the fence has been moved...

...from where I was told

it was gonna be.

I can't move it now.

You'd have to be

Andre the Giant to lift it up.

It's a couple of ton a unit.

Well, can we get it sorted

by the end of today, or?...

Well, to do it,

I'll have to unplumb it...

...turn the water off, get a crane.

I mean, I can have a go.

You want me to ring the boss?

- Yes.

Alright, I'll ring Glenn

and I'll come and see you.

Are you at the manager's hut?

Yep.

Or I'm on a two-way.

Just please get hold of me.

Alright. Done.

Thank you.

Jeez, this'll be great.

He wants us to move the toilet.

Well, they reckon we've put

the toilet in the wrong spot.

Well, I didn't drop it off -

Tom did.

But it's just outside

the front fence...

...which is where I thought

it was supposed to go.

The F-111 lands...

This could be

a little bit colorful.

That's from me... Me ex-wife.

We're separated.

Apparently, me little boy's

putting on a bit of a show.

I have to give her a ring.

I won't be...

Yeah. Don't yell in the phone.

What... what...

what has he called you?

Oh, jeez. Well, do you want to

put him on the phone to me?

Yeah, well, oh,

it's a bit different.

I'm a grown-up, mate.

You're still a boy.

Yeah, well, you're gonna have to pull

your head in a bit.

You can't be carrying on

like a bloody raw prawn.

Alright.

Yeah, well, maybe just

steady on a bit, eh?

Just try and pull it up a bit.

No, I understand that, but she's still

your mother, mate.

It doesn't matter what I say.

Yeah, I know I said that, but

we were a bit heated that day.

There's no need to be repeating that.

Alright, well, just try

and settle down a bit.

No, mate, the first time

I ever saw...

Glenn shove his hand

down a bowl...

...and that's the owner

of this company...

...turned up in a suit, mate...

...he ripped his shirt off...

...straight into the sh*t.

And I got there, and I said...

"There's f***in' a man

after my own heart...

"that'll do anything. "

His arm's into it.

It's nice to have

a boss that knows...

...what we're going

through at last.

Do you know, I sometimes feel

a bit lucky that I've got this job.

In this job, I must admit...

I've had a chance to see

some great stuff.

And I work with

a good bunch of blokes.

And, you know, that's more than

anyone can ask for.

I tell you what, Robbo, do you mind if I

lob here tonight?

I'll have a few more beers.

I don't give a sh*t at all, mate.

Eh, you can even

stay in that bed...

...and I'll make a bed

up for myself...

No, no. I'm not gonna stay in your bed,

Robbo. It's your joint.

Ah, well, there's

no problems, brother.

There's a lounge there.

There's a bed there.

Hey, no worries.

You've got the whole lot.

You know, the funny part is...

...everyone will deny the fact

that they look at their poo...

...but everyone does.

The ancient Greeks...

Cop this one.

The ancient Greeks,

they used to use poo, back in...

I mean, talking 2,000 years ago,

when Christ was alive.

They used to look at their poo,

or people's poo...

...to forecast the future.

Mind you, if they'd seen

some of the poo I've seen...

...at some of the festivals,

the future looks pretty bleak.

But they used to use it

to forecast the future...

...back 2,000 years ago.

Hey, Darren, have you got power to

those toilets...

...across there yet?

This is the busiest time of year.

This is the crazy time.

Obviously,

when the sun comes out...

...every bastard has a festival...

...and we get flogged

like crooked dogs in a...

It's a mongrel.

It just goes bonkers. It's as silly

as a bum full of Smarties.

I often sing

'Advance Australia Fair'.

There's nothing wrong with

having a bit of national pride.

Problem is,

when I first heard it...

I used to think the song was,

the words were...

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