Kenny Page #5

How are you going? Wake up, tiger.

Hang on, hang on.

Simon!

Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!

Jesus. Well, he was passed out

when we got here.

He wasn't even awake so we

had to kind of wake him up.

And as soon as

we woke him up...

...and he realized

that he was chained...

...and handcuffed to the toilet...

...he just went berserk.

Peter!

I don't know. Maybe he's on drugs or

something.

He was jumping round

like a fish.

You bastards!

No, no, it's... He's on

a bucks night or something.

He's probably got

some mates here somewhere.

They've drawn on him

with texta.

- What's your name?

- I'm Kenny... Smyth.

S- M-Y-T-H.

Listen, I've got my own car here,

alright? I drove here.

I drove here by myself.

Arggh! Where the f***?...

Simon!

Sandra's gonna kill me.

Sandra's gonna kill me!

Funny, isn't it?

Of all the people

I could have had with me...

...while I was witnessing...

...this guy's bucks night

gone wrong...

I own my own

f***in' house!

...I had to have Pat.

I wanna go home.

I wanna go home!

I will hear about this

for the next fortnight.

Have a good night, fellas.

Thanks, fellas.

This is just what you guys needed

tonight, wasn't it?

Exactly!

You didn't see anything at all?

No, I walked in

and saw him.

Ugh!

Jeez. Oh!

What's the weather like

down there, Kenny?

Oh, yeah, it's great, Sammy.

It's great.

What's this Pat's bloody story?

- Eh?

Oh, he's giving me

the shits lately.

What are you?... Huh?

- Pat.

It doesn't actually take

a genius at times...

...to figure out

who are the square pegs...

...in a room full of round holes.

We've got a new guy, Sammy,

who started with us.

Nice bloke.

He's a hard worker,

there's no doubt about that...

...but he's hard work.

Always going on

about this bloody marriage...

...and, "Is this gonna go right?"

...or "Is that gonna go

bloody right?"

Is he gonna marry her or not?

I'd say so.

They've got a wedding.

He's either gonna marry her

or not marry her.

If he ain't gonna marry her,

I'll give her one.

Look, mate.

I understand

what you're saying, I really do...

...and I am hearing you...

...but, mate, what you've

gotta understand...

...is there is a smell in here...

...that is gonna outlast

religion, alright?

So can you just give me ears

a rest for a minute?

Just give it a break for a sec...

...and we'll talk about it

later, alright?

I'd appreciate it, mate.

Now you know how I feel.

Yeah, I do.

Just like Pat - Full of sh*t.

Keep going that way,

over towards the ambulance.

Face it, she's had

too many drinks, mate.

It doesn't matter whether

she's drunk or on drugs...

...just get her through, will you?

Just push the crowd, will you?

Just push, will you?

Get in front and push

the crowd out of the way.

I'm trying to get through

but I can't.

I often get nervous

on days like these...

...at these big beach festivals, you know.

They draw a very big crowd...

...and we quite often

have to bring in extra crew.

You know, with half the kids

on the wacky tobaccy...

...and the fruity disco biscuits...

...you know, they're as mad

as a clown's cock.

Yeah, I am, actually.

I've got a little girl.

She's been into two toilets.

There's no toilet paper at all.

Are you doing your job here?

If you have a toilet, you have

to have paper, understand?

We do, mate. I'm sorry.

I mean, we're filming...

Don't be sorry. Don't do it again. Make

sure there's paper.

We'll get it fixed up for you.

I've gotta go now.

OK, what I'll do... Sam, I want you to

stay with Pat, OK?

You stay with him

for another couple of hours.

Have a look at this here.

This is half my trouble here.

See, he's supposed to be looking after...

...that toilet I've been getting

all the complaints about.

He's from university

or something.

He's the one that rang us...

...and said he wanted to make

a few extra bucks...

...and look at him.

I've gotta tell you

something, mate.

I appreciate

you want some food...

...but we've had nothing

but complaints...

...from your toilet block...

...and you're over here eating

and watching the festival.

I just left Dave

over there with it.

I just nipped over here...

...literally just nipped

over here for this.

It's been a big day for all of us.

I've been here since

six o'clock this morning.

I know you guys

come on at midday.

There'll be food available

later on.

Oh, right. No, I didn't know.

If you can just head

back to the toilets...

...you're gonna need

to give them a clean.

You'll figure it out.

All you do is keep toilet paper and keep

it clean.

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

Like I said, he's probably studying to be...

...an accountant or something.

He can't even clean a shitter.

- No.

- How much longer?

Look, it looks clean to me.

It looks fine.

If you'd have seen it

five minutes ago, love...

...you wouldn't have thought so.

But there you go.

Sorry about that. In you go.

Have a look at this.

Mate, I've had three complaints

about the girls toilets already.

There's just, like, so many people in

there at the moment...

I don't want to, er...

I can't really go in.

There's gonna be a lot of people in

there all night.

It's a festival.

Even with the girls in there?

That's your job. You can throw it over

the top of the door.

They need paper more than

they do conversation.

Rightio.

Alright.

Jeez.

I've just gotta talk to you

about something.

Yeah, what's wrong?

I've been here for 12 months.

He's been here for two weeks!

- Yeah.

And he's honestly...

...he's constantly telling me

what to do.

He's really starting

to piss me off.

I mean, is there a hierarchy here or

something?

No, no, there's no hierarchy, Pat. We're

all shitkickers, mate.

There's no pecking order

in poo, mate.

Well, no, but at the same time,

you know...

...there's a loyalty there...

...if you've been here

for two weeks...

...or if you've been here

for 12 months.

I mean, he thinks

he's in charge.

- Hey, Kenny?

- Yes, mate?

This woman, she's lost

her ring down the toilet.

Which woman? Which one?

She's just that one over there.

What's she done?

She's lost her wedding ring

down the toilet...

...and she wants us to get it out.

So what do you do?

You'll need to deal with that.

Look, you head over there

and get a start on it...

...and I'll come over

and help you out.

But how do you...

Well, you've just gotta

fish it out.

I'll be over there

in five minutes.

You've gotta get in real quick, mate,

because it'll settle.

You've gotta get into it

pretty straightaway, mate.

You've had a pretty easy day.

You've had a good day so far...

...and this is something

you have to do.

We do it all the time.

We've promised

we're gonna get her ring...

...and that's what we have to do.

I reckon I could feel it with gloves if I

had some gloves.

Mate, you're gonna have

to take my word for it.

If you put the gloves on,

you're not gonna feel the ring.

There's nothing... Mate,

it only happened a minute ago.

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