Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain Page #3

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And she believes that

he was feeding some f***ing pigeons.

It'll never happen.

It's an argument off the bat.

"Where you at, babe?"

"I'm out here feeding pigeons."

"You ain't feeding no damn pigeons!"

"What're you talking about?

I am feeding the pigeons."

"Then put the pigeon

on the f***ing phone."

"What?"

"Let me talk to the goddamn pigeon."

"That ain't no pigeon.

"Tell the b*tch sitting next to you

that's making pigeon noises on the phone,

"when I see her, I'm gonna beat her ass.

"'Oh, fake pigeon noise making

ass'b*tch.

"'Oh, not knowing how to sound

like a pigeon ass' b*tch.

"Matter of fact,

tell that b*tch that when I see her,

"I'm gonna grab a real pigeon

and smack the sh*t out of her with it.

"She could see

what a real pigeon sounds like.

"'Oh, false pigeon vocal chord

having ass' b*tch."

I'm f***ing killing y'all, man.

Get fire on these b*tches one time.

I'm at a point now

where I understand who I am as a man.

I know my pros, I know my cons.

Here's what's bad about me, people.

I'm a liar. I love to lie.

Uh... I don't know why. I wish I could stop.

I can't. I think I'm sick. It's a disease.

I don't even tell good lies.

I tell a bunch of dumb-ass lies

on a regular basis.

Let me tell you something.

There's nothing worse

than telling a dumb-ass lie

and getting caught telling a dumb-ass lie.

For example,

I don't like talking on my cell phone.

I can't stand talking on my phone.

But I don't know how to tell people

that I don't like to talk on my phone.

I think that makes me, like, an a**hole,

so I'd much rather lie about it.

Here's how I got caught the other day.

I'm in my car, I'm driving.

My boy calls me when I'm driving,

I pick up, "Yo, what up?"

"Kev, what's going on?" Instantly, I lie.

I said, "Dude,

I can't be on the phone like that.

"I'm out of the country.

"I'm not trying to have

a high-ass phone bill."

This is no bullshit.

This is what I heard, he said,

"Nigga, ain't that you at the stoplight

right there in front of me?"

I said, "What?"

I'm so oblivious at lying, I waved.

"What's up, man?

What's going on with you, baby?"

"Why you said you was out of the country?"

"I didn't say that. I never said that."

I don't wanna be a liar. I don't.

I blame y'all. It's your fault.

'Cause y'all put me in positions

where I have no choice but to lie.

For example, I'm here. I'm in New York.

I'm at the airport.

I'm in baggage claim, right?

This girl sees me, she goes off.

She loses her f***ing mind.

Soon as she saw me, she was like,

"oh, my God, no, Kevin!

"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

I can't believe this!

"God must be playing a trick on me!

God must be playing a trick on me!

"Oh, my God!

"I said I was gonna see you and then

I see you, and now I'm looking at you.

"Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

"Oh, my God!

"Can you do me a favor?

Can you wait here for, like, 30 minutes?

"My mom is about to land.

She would love to get a picture with you."

I was like, "F***, yeah, I'll wait.

Go ahead, go get her."

As soon as she left, I took off.

"B*tch, I'm not standing here for no

30 minutes waiting for your goddamn mom.

"No! Kill yourself. Die! Today!

"Death to you, b*tch, die!

"I'm not f***ing waiting for you."

But I can't say that.

If I say that, that makes

me, like, an a**hole.

There are certain lies that I can't tell.

For example, I can't tell big lies.

Reason why I can't tell big lies

is because I'm one of those people

that start to believe the lie.

Like, once I get that ball

rolling, I can't stop.

You know who I respect?

I respect people that

work a nine-to-five job

that could show up late for work

without an excuse.

They show up,

take full responsibility.

"Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

It'll never happen again.

"I overslept, I apologize.

It's irresponsible on my behalf.

"If I do it again, fire me."

I respect people that can do that.

'Cause I can't do that,

'cause I'm a f***ing liar. I am.

If I'm late, something happened.

I don't give a sh*t.

Something drastic happened.

"Yo, dude, sorry I'm late.

"I was on the highway and a f***ing baby

was running on the highway.

"Yeah, I know, right? Sh*t's crazy.

"So I get out of the car,

I start chasing the baby.

"In my mind, I'm like,

'Why're you running, baby?'

"That's what I'm thinking, right?

"I'm like, 'What do you do?'

"'Cause I can't just grab the baby and throw

the baby in the car, that's kidnapping.

"I f*** around and go to jail.

"I got a little butt, I'll get raped.

I know they'll f***ing rape me in jail.

"I ain't trying to get raped.

"So I had to make a decision.

I was like, 'Sh*t, what do I do?'

"So I decided to adopt the baby.

"What I did was, I downloaded this app on

my iPhone, this Adopt the Baby app, right?

"I put the barcode on the baby head. Boop!

"That way the baby knew he was my baby.

"I put the baby in the

car, I go to pull off,

"I turn around,

a deer was running towards the car.

"So I'm like, 'Oh, sh*t!

This deer is about to eat the baby!'

"That's what I'm thinking, right?

"But then I looked closer, I noticed

the front part of the deer was a deer,

"the back half was a zebra.

"It was half deer, half zebra.

"So I'm like, 'Oh, sh*t! It's a deerbra!'

"Like, that's what I'm thinking,

'It's a f***ing deerbra.'

"So I call the zoo, I'm like,

"'Yo, there's a f***ing deerbra

out here on the highway!'

"He was like, 'What's that?'

I was like, 'Half deer, half zebra.'

"He was like, 'Did you just make that up?'

I was like, 'I think so.'

Um...

"He said, 'Well, bring it down.'

"So I get down there, he sees it, he's like,

'Oh, sh*t, it's half deer, half zebra!'

"I said, 'That's what I was trying

to tell you on the phone, it's a deerbra.

"He was like, Okay, what do you want?

Do you want money for it?'

"I said, No, I don't

have that type of time.

"'I gotta get back to the car because

my new son is in the car by hisself.

"So I get back to the car, turns out, the

baby that I thought was a baby wasn't a baby.

"It was a grown-ass man

with Benjamin Button disease.

"Let me tell you how I figured this out.

"I figured this out, ' cause

when I got to the car, the baby woke up.

"I was like, 'Hey, I'm your new dad.

I've just adopted you.

"He was like,

'You ain't my dad, b*tch! I'm 65.

"I said, 'Goddamn!' He

said, 'I got a disease.

"I was like, 'You got

that Benjamin Button.

"He was like, 'Where's my deerbra?

"I said, 'I knew that was a

f***ing deerbra, I knew it was.

"'I just took it to the zoo.

"He was like, 'Well, how the f***

am I supposed to get home?

"I said, 'You ride that motherf***er, man?

"Anyway, long story short,

that's why I'm five minutes late for work,

"'cause it took a long-ass time for me

to get the f***ing deerbra in the car."

Understand something, people.

Lying will ruin your life.

Lying will ruin your goddamn life.

Lying ruined my marriage.

True sh*t, sweetie.

Lying ruined my goddamn marriage.

That's a lie, I cheated.

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