Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain Page #4

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Let's talk about it, though,

let's figure it out.

Don't judge me. Let me explain. Um...

Yes. Yes, people, I cheated.

Am I ashamed of it? No. No, I am not.

Do I wish that I could take it back?

No. No, I don't. Let me tell you why.

You can't evolve as a man

if you never make a mistake.

The only way that you could be perfect

is to f*** up.

I get it, I f***ed up.

"Don't cheat." Nah! Whatever.

Now, do I think cheating was the problem?

No, I don't.

Cheating was not the problem.

Lying about cheating was the problem.

If I'd had been honest about it,

might have worked it out.

But I wasn't. I lied.

And I didn't just lie on myself,

I put my best friend in my lie.

Now I don't think that's a bad thing to do.

Let me explain why.

If you're my best friend,

I shouldn't have to ask you to lie for me.

I shouldn't have to ask your permission

for me to put you in my lie.

You know why? 'Cause you're my

best f***ing friend, b*tch.

That's your job.

The day that we signed up

and said that we best friends,

that means that my

bullshit is your bullshit.

And your bullshit is my bullshit.

If you're my real best friend,

you should know that I need you

to lie for me by the look on my face.

If I'm looking at you

and I'm not blinking, if I'm like this...

that's a goddamn sign.

That means, "The b*tch got the drop on us.

"My back is against the wall.

This is not a test.

"It's the real deal, help me! Help me!

"Nigga! Help me!"

My friend Harry ignored all signs, okay?

Let me tell you how sh*t hit the fan.

I come in the house, right?

Come in the house,

like, 4:
00 in the morning.

I'm drunk, people. Drunk as sh*t.

I have no balance. I'm all over the place.

I'm rocking back and forth.

Soon as I walk in the house,

she wakes up, she goes off.

"You know what? I'm sick of this.

I know you's probably out with some b*tch.

"You was probably

messing with some b*tch."

Now, I'm drunk, I don't wanna respond,

because I don't have any balance.

I'm rocking back and forth.

You don't look believable

when you're rocking back and forth.

So I had to choose a stance

in which I looked believable.

So I chose this.

I said, "Let me tell you something,

listen to me.

"Wasn't nobody with no b*tch, okay?

You're wrong.

"Matter of fact, to prove you wrong,

I'm gonna call Harry.

"Harry not expecting me to call right now,

so Harry don't have no reason to lie.

"And I'm gonna put it on speakerphone.

"About to make you feel stupid. Watch this.

"Watch how f***ing stupid you feel.

Watch. Watch this.

"Harry. Harry, real quick, don't lie."

Let's stop right there.

Let's just stop right there for a second.

What does that mean?

What does that mean, people?

Lie. It means, lie. Right now.

That means, "The b*tch got the drop on us.

"My back is against the wall.

This is not a test.

"It's the real deal, help me! Help me!

"Nigga! Help me!"

Harry ignored all signs.

I'm gonna tell you exactly what Harry said.

I said, "Harry. Harry, real quick, don't lie.

Where're we coming from right now?"

He said, "Man, you was with that

b*tch with the fat ass."

"What? Oh, no.

"No, no, no, no.

"Oh, no. No, no, no, no." Yo.

I was so f***ing scared.

I was so scared.

I mean, this b*tch gonna kill me.

She's gonna f***ing kill me.

See, but understand

something. I'm not mad at Harry.

The reason I'm not mad at Harry

is because Harry has done some dumb sh*t,

but I understand who he is.

See, Harry might be the smartest dumbest

friend that I've ever had in my life, okay?

Let me tell you the dumbest thing

that Harry has ever done.

Harry invented the code for us to use

to let each other know

when we were around our women.

Basically, if somebody used the code,

it means, "Don't say anything stupid.

"You might be on speakerphone.

Don't say nothing dumb.

"The phone might be loud enough so my girl

can hear whatever it is you're saying."

It means, "Don't say anything

that could jeopardize our relationship."

The code was, "Man, I'm hungry as sh*t."

That's the code, people.

"Man, I'm hungry as sh*t."

Here's what pissed me off about the code.

Harry invented the f***ing code.

So there's no reason

why Harry should have messed up the code.

Here's how Harry messes it up.

I'm in the car with my lady.

I'm driving, she's in the passenger seat.

Harry calls me when I'm in the car.

I got the Bluetooth sh*t in the car,

so my phone rings, the whole car rings.

Harry's name pops up on the dashboard.

I answer, "What up, boy?"

"Kev, what's going on?" "Ain't sh*t."

This is how I knew the conversation

was about to take a turn for the worse.

This is how I knew it was

about to get filthy. He said,

"Nigga!"

"Harry, hey, hey.

Man, I'm hungry as sh*t!"

He said, "I'm not. I just ate."

"What? What! Harry!"

"Harry!"

"Harry!" I said, "Man, I'm hungry as sh*t."

He says, "Yo, you should go to Subway

and get the footlong for five dollars."

"What the f***! Harry! Harry!"

I said, "Man, I'm hungry as sh*t."

He said, "Oh, that must mean

you're ready to eat these white b*tches."

"What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

"No, no, no.

"I ain't eating no white b*tch.

I ain't eating no white b*tches.

"I never did. Oh, my God, no. Oh, no."

Yo, have you ever

been in trouble with your girl

to the point where

you're afraid to look at her,

but you can feel her staring

at the side of your goddamn face?

I was so scared, I never looked at her.

I just looked straight and

started making dumb-ass noises.

I started pointing out sh*t.

"Oh, look, a deerbra!

You see it? I just saw a deerbra."

I'm f***ing killing y'all, man.

Get fire on these b*tches again.

Now, here's the thing.

I'm not upset with Harry

for doing all the dumb sh*t that he's done.

Reason why is because

I've learned so much from Harry.

Like, literally, now I know

what to do, what not to do.

I know what I want, what I don't want.

And, fellas, I'm not selfish

with this information.

I feel like it's my job to educate y'all.

I can tell you what you want

in your life, what you don't.

I can tell you the one thing

that you do not want in your household.

Fellas, the one thing that you

don't want in your household

is a female that doesn't trust you.

Only thing that's worse than a

female that doesn't trust you

is a female that doesn't trust you that has

no proof for why she doesn't trust you.

That b*tch is crazy. Let me tell you why.

She's crazy because

she has so many thoughts in her head

about what you might be doing,

and it pisses her off

that she can't figure it out.

That's why she sits in the house all day,

trying to put pieces to a puzzle together

that doesn't exist.

"Oh, he done f***ed up.

"Oh, this nigga f***ed up.

"What the f*** is this right here?

"Oh, I got his ass now."

This is a woman that'll look at you

and say crazy sh*t like,

"Don't act like I'm f***ing crazy, nigga."

You ever see a girl say sh*t like that?

She look crazy as sh*t while she say it.

"Don't act like I'm f***ing crazy."

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