Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain Page #5

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Let me tell you something.

Any b*tch that do this sh*t right here...

is a goddamn psychopath, you hear me?

Any b*tch that argue with you to the side,

"Oh, you got a b*tch

f***ed up, you hear me?

"You got me f***ed up.

You got me f***ed up.

"You got me f***ed up, nigga."

That's a different level of woman.

She's f***ing crazy.

This woman is so crazy

that when she thinks,

when she thinks that

she's caught you cheating,

before she talks to you, she's gotta

have a conversation with herself.

She's gotta talk to herself.

Here's my impression

of a crazy woman talking to their self.

"Oh, yeah.

"Oh, we got his ass now.

We got his ass now.

"You ready, b*tch?" "B*tch, I'm ready."

Ain't nobody there, it's just her.

Now, she's so crazy

that she can't even stick to the plan.

The plan is to see you.

When she sees you, she's supposed to

show you whatever she found.

You're supposed to talk about it, figure

out the next steps in your relationship.

But she's crazy.

There's so much bottled up emotion

and built-up tension inside.

As soon as she sees your face, she snaps.

She f***ing loses it.

Soon as you walk through the door,

"Shut the f*** up! Shut up! Don't say sh*t!

You're a piece of sh*t!

"Oh, my God, no."

Hey, have you ever seen a woman

go from frantic to calm?

Like, real fast?

"Motherf***er, you're a piece of sh*t!

"I can't believe you're hurting me!

"But it's gonna be the last time

that you do some sh*t like this to me.

"I don't give a f*** about it!

I don't give a f***!

"Let me tell you something, nigga.

"You're gonna get your sh*t together,

"or you're gonna get out!"

She's a f***ing psychopath, man.

Crazy women always

wanna tell you what you did.

They always wanna run down the story.

"Let me tell you why you f***ed up.

"Last night, you come in here, you're a

little drunk, you're a little tipsy.

"You start to go to sleep on the couch.

"You take your pants off,

you put your pants on the floor.

"Something told me, something told me,

"something was like,

Girl, go through his pants.

"I was like, 'All right."

That's the crazy girl face.

"All right."

"So, I get up, I go through your pants,

I found a receipt.

"You had a receipt

in your pants for some gas.

"But it wasn't any old kind of gas,

it was regular gas.

"That's funny, I'm with you all the time.

I've never seen you use regular gas."

Ladies, let me ask you a question.

Why is it that whenever you're arguing

with your man and you repeat yourself,

the second time you say it, you get

loud as sh*t as if you solved the case?

"That's funny,

I've never seen you use regular gas.

"I've never seen you

use regular gas!

"You know who put

the regular gas in the car?

"That regular b*tch that you was with.

"That's who put the regular gas in the car.

"Shut your ass up! Shut up! You're caught.

You're a piece of sh*t!

"Look at you!

You got glitter all on your face.

"Mismatched socks!"

Now, ladies,

let me explain something to you.

99% of the time, you're right.

That 1% when you're wrong,

that's the day that men live for.

We live for the day

that we can make you look dumb as sh*t.

That's our goal as men.

I'mma tell you three words that you never

wanna hear come out of your man's mouth.

If your man ever hit you

with these words, shut up.

Don't say sh*t,

he's about to make you look stupid.

If you're going off, you're snapping,

"Shut the f*** up.

You're a piece of sh*t. I hate you."

If he hit you with this right here,

"Are you done? Are you done?"

He get cocky. "Are you done?

"Are you done? Okay. Okay.

"I'm about to sh*t on this b*tch right now.

"Are you done?

You're done, right? You're done, right?

"Are you done? Are you done? Okay, okay.

"I'm laughing, I'm laughing because

you don't even know what happened.

"See, last night, you

was the one at the club

"that started to drink

a whole bottle of Patron by yourself.

"You're the one that

passed out in the club.

"I'm the one that picked you up, carried

you out of the club, put you in the car.

"We got in the car, we started driving

home, I realized I lost my wallet.

"I said, 'Damn, babe, we need gas.

I don't have my wallet.

"'You got any money on you?

"You said, in a very drunk voice,

I got three dollars.

"I said, 'What the f***

are we supposed to do with three dollars?

"You said, 'We gonna put some regular gas

up in this motherf***er.

"I said, 'Fine.

We put the regular gas in the car,

"I drive home fast, 'cause

I didn't wanna run out of the regular gas.

"When we got home, you felt sick

because of the way I was driving.

"You f***ing went upstairs,

you start throwing up.

"I got naked, I got into bed.

I kept my socks on, though.

"First of all, you know I sleep with

my socks on because I got ugly feet.

"I'm insecure about my feet.

"My fear is, if I don't sleep with

socks on, we're gonna get robbed.

"And whoever has the gun is gonna

look at my feet and they're gonna be like,

"'Oh, sh*t. Ew!' Barn!

"Shoot me in the f***ing foot.

"I'm gonna have another

ugly-ass goddamn foot.

"So you start calling me.

"You's like,

'Kev, come help me. I'm throwing up.

"I come running to the bathroom,

you got throw-up all over the floor.

"I stepped in it, ew,

took my sock off, I put your sock on.

"That's why my sock got a ball

on the back of it.

"Picked you up, put you on my shoulder.

"The reason why I got glitter on my face,

"it's because you use

that cheap-ass glitter lotion on your ass.

"So when I held you like this,

"your ass was rubbing against

the side of my goddamn face.

"Ran in the room, I threw you in the bed.

"I didn't get into bed,

'cause you smelled like throw-up.

"I'm not getting in the bed

with nobody that smells like throw-up.

"You know why I'm not getting in the bed

with nobody who smells like throw-up?

"'Cause it's gonna make me

f***ing throw up!

"So I went downstairs,

I slept on the couch.

"With that being said,

don't say sh*t else to me.

"You're wrong! I'm out!"

This face that women make is priceless.

"It's not even like that.

Listen, come here, it's not even...

"I don't even wanna debate...

"Listen, come here, let me suck your dick.

"I wanna suck your dick.

"Let me suck your dick while the

football game is on, for the whole game.

"I'm gonna suck your dick

for the whole game."

Men are so stupid,

we'd be in the middle of storming out.

"For the whole game?

You would do it for the whole game?

"For half-time and everything?

You're gonna suck it for the whole game?

"Deal. You got a goddamn deal.

"Well, you better get to sucking right now,

'cause it's a long game."

Now, here's my advice to you, fellas.

If your woman is going through

that insecure period

where she's questioning you,

she's going through your sh*t,

my advice is, stop her.

"Babe, stop, whatever you're looking for,

don't look anymore.

"You're right, I'm wrong.

I need to do better."

The reason I say do that is because

you don't wanna see your woman

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