Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain Page #6

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go through that crazy point of no return.

See, I've seen a woman get here.

It's unattractive.

The reason why it's unattractive

is 'cause when a woman

reaches a certain level of crazy,

she doesn't know that she's being crazy.

Everybody else knows.

Everybody else sees it.

"Hey, that b*tch in the corner

with the diaper on her face

"is f***ing crazy, yo.

"She's f***ing crazy. She's a psychopath."

Everybody else knows except her.

Here's the thing, I was in that situation.

I saw a woman get crazy.

Let me tell you how I knew

this one chick went wild, okay?

We're in the house one day,

arguing, all f***ing day.

Gets to the point where I'm like,

"You know what,

"I can't argue with you no more.

My head hurts. I'm done.

"I'm getting in the shower.

I'm getting dressed.

"I'm going to the store."

True story, people.

Exactly what I do.

Get in the shower, get dressed,

get in my car, start driving to the store.

On the way to the store,

I hit a speed bump.

When I hit the speed bump,

I hear a lot of noise in the trunk.

Boom! Ba-dum-doo! Boom!

"That's weird, I ain't

put sh*t in the trunk.

"What the f*** is all that noise

in the goddamn trunk?"

I'm small. I get scared fast.

So I get out of the car, I pop the trunk,

this is some true sh*t.

I pop the trunk. When I pop the trunk,

this b*tch was stooped down

in the trunk like this, looking at me.

I see her in the goddamn trunk.

I see her see me see her

in the goddamn trunk.

"I just caught you in the trunk of my car.

"You gotta say something

to justify what the f*** I'm looking at.

"What the f*** are you doing

in the goddamn trunk?"

With a straight face,

she looks at me, jumps out of the trunk,

rolls her eyes and takes off,

as if I never saw her.

Now, let me tell you why I had an attitude.

I had an attitude because we live together.

Like, "I'm gonna see you tonight.

"We have to address this

at some point in time."

I said, "No, f*** that.

We're gonna talk about this right now."

I get in the car, I drive home.

Here's where it gets crazier.

When I get home,

she in the kitchen cooking, right?

I walk in the house, she said,

"Hey, babe, you hungry?"

"B*tch, what the...

"Oh!

"I don't wanna talk about no goddamn food.

"I wanna talk about why I popped the trunk

"and you popped out of the goddamn trunk

like a goddamn Jack-in-the-box.

"The f*** were you doing

in the goddamn trunk?"

With a straight face, she looked at me,

she said, "I wasn't in no goddamn trunk."

"B*tch, I saw you see me see you

in the goddamn trunk."

"You ain't see me in no goddamn trunk.

"You must have saw one of them other

b*tches you've been f***ing with,

"goddamn trunk, nigga!"

It messed me up so bad, I started thinking.

I was like...

"Did I have another b*tch in the trunk?

I might have...

"Oh, no, I might have put

another b*tch in the trunk

"and forgot she was in the trunk."

These are real-life situations.

And after something like that happens,

every man's reaction is the same.

We all say the same sh*t,

we all do the same sh*t.

"I ain't getting with no crazy-ass woman.

"Ain't no way in hell

I'm getting with a crazy-ass woman.

"I'd rather be with myself."

That's what you do, you

live the single life.

Single life is amazing at first.

Reason why it's amazing is because

every night, you're with your boys,

you're drinking, you're meeting women,

having a good time.

Reality doesn't hit you about

how bad the single life is

until you call your friends to go out,

and on that night,

none of your friends are available,

'cause they're out with their women.

That's when reality hits you.

"Yo, what up, boy?

What you want to do tonight?"

"Oh, man, I ain't doing nothing.

"It's cupcake Tuesdays.

"Me and my lady, we're making cupcakes.

"Red velvet.

I get to lick the bowl and everything."

"'Lick the bowl'?

Man, get the f*** off my phone."

"Hey, don't be mad at me

'cause you ain't got no bowl to lick."

"What?"

Then you start to rethink

your whole decision.

"Damn. Did I have a good woman?

"Sh*t, man. I might have had a good woman.

"You know what,

I need to get my lady back."

Thing is, you can't go back the way you left.

You gotta reinvent yourself.

You gotta make it look like you're

making an effort to get your woman back.

Here's how dumb I am. This is what I do.

I come back.

"Babe, I got an idea. It's gonna be great.

"It's gonna put the spark back

in our relationship.

"It's gonna make us fall in love, okay?

"We've never done it.

Let's do it for the first time together.

"We should both take ecstasy one time.

"We should pop the pill.

Hear me out. Hear me out.

"It's an emotional drug, okay?

"It's gonna make us talk.

"We're gonna have sex.

It's gonna be the best."

She said, "Fine, let's do it."

She takes the pill.

Her pill gives her all the right reactions.

I take the pill. My pill...

Okay. MY...

My pill made me believe

that I was a drug dealer.

This is some real sh*t.

I wish I was making this sh*t up.

I can't make this up, people.

I don't know where it came from. I snapped.

We were talking. She was like,

"Babe, I just wanna be happy.

I want the disrespect to stop."

"Let me tell you something,

you're worried about f***ing disrespect?

"That's what you're worried about? Hmm?

"What you need to be worried about

"is how I'm gonna deliver

this kilo of cocaine to f***ing Pablo."

She was like, "What?

What're you talking about?"

"Girl, what the hell

do you think I'm talking about?

"Where you think all this money come from?

Jokes? Is that what you think? Huh?

"You think I'm out here

making funny money? Is that it?

"Huh?

"B*tch, I'm in the game.

"I'm out here in the f***ing streets. Okay?

"I gotta cook it, cut it, bake it, boop!

Fly that sh*t."

She was like,

"Oh, my God, what about the kids?"

"F*** them kids, b*tch.

"I'm out here riding around

and getting it, bird gang.

"You don't even know my life, b*tch."

Listen, let me tell you

how messed up I was.

I was ass naked,

walking around the house like this.

In my mind, this was a gun.

I really believed that my hand was a gun.

I was making threats. I said,

"Let me tell you something.

"If anybody on the block

try to touch my product,

"chitty, chitty, bang, bang,

niggas gonna die."

She was like, "Calm down, calm down."

This was how I knew

she was f***ed up.

This was how I knew she was f***ed up.

'Cause I turn around like this, right?

She was like, "Don't shoot me."

"Ain't nobody gonna shoot you.

"I got the safety on.

You need to f***ing chill out."

Y'all are laughing?

I'm being serious. I was messed up.

I tried to f*** a beanbag that night.

I was ass naked on the beanbag

for two hours, doing this sh*t by myself.

I was sweating, but I didn't know it was me.

I thought it was the beanbag.

I was like, "Oh, this

beanbag's wet as sh*t.

"This beanbag's

about to get this long dick.

"That's what you're gonna get, beanbag.

"You're gonna learn today, beanbag.

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