Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain Page #7

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You hear me?

"You will learn today."

That's an old chapter of my life, people.

Right now, I'm in a new chapter.

In this chapter, reality has hit.

Reality is, I'm single. F***ing dating.

I can do what I want now.

Now, here's the scary thing

about dating for me.

I believe in karma.

Whatever you do in life is gonna come

full circle at some point in time.

I know it is, okay?

My fear is, I'm gonna f*** around

and fall in love, and I'm gonna get hurt.

When I think about getting hurt, I think

about the ultimate level of getting hurt.

Like, I'm gonna try to surprise my lady

on her lunch break.

She would be in the car giving some

dude head, I'm f***ing around to see it.

Now, I know I'm not strong

enough to deal with that.

I'm too emotional. I break down.

Hmm. "No, no, no,

no, no, no, no. No.

"Pick your head up.

Don't finish. Don't finish it.

"Jesus, take the wheel, please."

I know I can't deal with it.

Some men are. Some men can.

Some men are strong enough

to catch their woman in a sexual act,

like giving another man head,

to the point where they can go up to the

car, open the car door and say one sentence.

In that sentence, they'll let a woman know

how much he loved her,

how bad she hurt him and where he is

mentally, and he can walk off.

Some men can pull it off.

"You know what,

I loved you the best that I could.

"What I could do, I did.

"What I didn't do, I tried. F*** it."

He'll walk Off. She'll feel bad.

"Why am I doing this?

"I don't wanna do it no more."

Did you get it? That was the dick.

Did you guys get it?

This was the dick.

Did you get it, you got it? All right.

Some men are different.

Some men are killers.

Some men are thugs all the time.

"No, f*** that! F*** that!

"If I see my girl in the car

giving some dude head,

"I'm gonna go up to the car, I'm gonna

grab him, drag him out of the car,

"I'm gonna beat the sh*t out of the dude."

That's how some men feel.

Would you do that, man?

Chainz, would you f*** him up?

You'd whoop his ass?

You're gonna fight the guy

with his dick out?

His dick is out. This

guy's got the hard dick.

That's the wrong answer, Chainz.

I don't like that answer.

I don't think you thought about it.

Should've thought it through.

His f***ing dick is out.

I can't fight a dude with a hard dick.

It's not gonna happen.

The reason why is 'cause I'm small.

When I fight, I gotta get low.

I gotta get your legs.

If your dick is out, at some point in time,

that's gonna cause a problem for me.

At some point in time.

"Yo, you got my girl out here

in a f***ing car?

"Hmm? Huh? Nigga?"

Yo, you're gonna

lose your f***ing mind

if a man's dick hit your head in front of

a group of people watching the fight.

You're gonna do some sh*t

you never thought you would do.

You're gonna f*** around and grab it.

You're gonna say some sh*t

you never thought you would say,

"I'm gonna rip it off!

"This dick is coming with me!

"This is my dick! I got two d*cks now!"

Yo, if you grab a dude's dick in a fight,

you gotta kill yourself that night.

You have to die that night.

You can't go on living.

'Cause for the rest of your life,

you're gonna be known as the dude who

grabbed the dude's dick that day in a fight.

"There goes the dude who grabbed

that dude's dick that day in a fight."

"What was I supposed to do?

The dick was on my head."

"Hey, man, get your dick-grabbing

ass out of here, man.

"Nobody trying to talk

to you, dick grabber."

Look, I had a thought

the other day that scared me.

I thought about the fact that my kids

are eventually gonna have a stepdad.

That's kind of scary to me.

I'm gonna tell you why.

I start thinking to myself like, "What if

I can't physically beat the stepdad?"

'Cause I know I'm not gonna like the guy.

Small problems

are gonna become big problems.

So in my mind, sh*t will happen.

Like, one day I call the house

and in the background, I hear,

"I said, 'Put the dishes in the sink."'

But in my mind, what I heard was, "You

and your dad can suck my dick in the sink."

I gotta fight. I gotta f***ing fight now.

Because I've thought about it.

I wanna be prepared for this day,

if it ever happens.

So right now,

I'm currently taking self-defense class.

All right, this is no bullshit.

This is not a joke.

It's the wrong time to mess with me.

I know a lot of sh*t.

My teacher just taught me

how to take a gun out of somebody's hand.

Like, if somebody

points a gun at me like this,

I'm trained to grab your wrist, bend it,

take the gun, point it right back at you.

No bullshit.

I do it all the time in class.

I'm the best.

It's at a point where I had a conversation

with my friends, I said,

"Look, dude, if we out and somebody

pulls a gun out, let me handle it, okay?

"I'm the only one here

that's trained for this type of combat."

He was like, "You sure?"

I said, "Trust me, I'm sure."

Here's how funny life is.

We're walking out of the club, right?

I'm a little tipsy.

I get to the car,

this guy comes from behind the car.

He'd ducked down, he had a gun.

He was like, "Everybody get naked.

Run that sh*t, b*tch. Get naked. Run it."

All my friends got scared

and started getting naked.

I was calm.

I'm standing there, I'm looking at him.

I'm even laughing a little bit,

'cause in my mind, I'm like,

"You don't even know

what I'm trained to do."

Right? That's what I'm thinking, right?

So he got mad, he says,

"You think it's a game, little nigga?

Run that sh*t, b*tch. Get naked. Run it."

And it scared me, because my teacher

only taught me to take guns

from people holding it like this.

He had it like this. I've never seen that.

We never worked on that in class.

So I didn't know what to do.

So I got naked.

I did exactly what he said. I got naked.

My friends were like, "Do something."

I was like, "I can't. He's a killer.

He's the real deal. This guy's the real deal."

I got security after that.

Actually, that's a lie. That's a lie.

I didn't get security after that.

I tried to hire my friend,

Wayne, as my security guard.

Reason why is because

Wayne was big as sh*t.

So I was like, "Why would

I f***ing pay somebody else

"when I can give you that extra money?

"You ain't got to fight nobody, just look

like you would if something were to happen."

He's like, "All right, I'll do it."

I said, "Done. You're hired.

You're my security guard."

Um... Here's why Wayne got fired.

Let me tell you why.

We were at a club, right? This guy

pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air.

Bop! "F*** all these

b*tches!" I got scared.

"Wayne, what should we do?"

With a straight face,

Wayne said, "Play dead."

I said, "What? What'd you say?"

He wouldn't answer me back

'cause he was in character. He said...

"Wayne!

"Wayne! Wayne!"

He gonna go,

"You better shut up before you get shot."

What the f***?

After that, I hired this guy named Steve.

Now, Steve was the real deal, people.

Let me tell you why.

Steve made me feel like a star.

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