Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain Page #8

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We went places, Steve moved the crowd.

"Everybody move! Move!

"Watch out, Mr. Hart's coming through."

I never had to look behind me.

Steve always had my back.

Steve got fired, because we was at a

club one day, I'm at VIP section, right?

VIP is separated from the dance floor

by a velvet rope.

I'm standing behind a velvet rope.

I say, "Steve,

I've got to go to the bathroom."

The guy operating the velvet rope moves it.

Me and Steve walk to the bathroom.

I use it, I get done, we come back.

The guy operating the velvet rope

was talking.

That's fine, I'm patient.

I'll wait till he's done.

Steve felt like I shouldn't have to wait.

Steve decided to pick me up

and place me over the goddamn rope.

Let me tell you something, people.

I've never felt more like a

b*tch in my life.

I was like, "Steve, no,

don't do this, please."

My back leg came up.

"Look at me.

Look what you're making me do.

"Stop, Steve.

You're f***ing fired, man."

After that, I hired these two ex-cops

turned security guards.

Now, these guys were very professional.

My problem with them

was that they were too professional.

Like, their level of security was

way too advanced for my level of celebrity.

Like, I don't know who

they thought I thought I was.

I don't know where the miscommunication

came, but it was too much.

Like, we go to Applebee's.

True story.

F***ing Applebee's, okay?

There's a empty booth.

I go slide in the booth.

That's how I slide in the booth.

I love Applebee's.

Applebee's, Applebee's, Applebee's.

So I'm in the booth, right?

I'm sitting next to the window.

He goes, "Kevin, switch seats with me.

"I don't want you sitting

next to the window."

I said, "Why not?"

He said, "There might be a sniper outside."

"Looking for who?

"Ain't no sniper looking

for me at no f***ing Applebee's. No.

"I'm not at the sniper level in my career.

I'm not there yet.

"Like, you probably gotta worry

about a dude putting his dick on the glass.

"That's my level.

I'm at the dick-on-the-glass level.

"That's my level."

Like, the sh*t that I'm afraid of,

people don't think about.

I'm gonna tell you what I'm terrified of.

Y'all are gonna think I'm crazy,

but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Scariest sh*t in the world to me

are bum hands.

A bum's hands are the scariest sh*t ever.

You could say I'm crazy all you want.

I'm willing to bet you all

any amount of money right now,

if y'all walk outside after this show,

and a bum comes up to you and flicks your

lip, bet money you'd kill yourself tonight.

Bet whatever you wanna bet

that you'd f***ing kill yourself tonight.

If you walk outside after this show

and a bum comes up to you,

"Give me a dollar, man." "What?"

"Man, you better give me a f***ing...

"Give me a f***ing dollar, man."

"What happened, man? He shoot you?"

"Motherf***er flicked my lip, man."

Oh, my God! That's the scariest sh*t ever.

Like, you gotta get rid of that lip.

You can't keep that lip.

That lip's gotta go. You gotta buy a new lip.

I don't even know where to get lips.

What would you do if you got jumped

by three homeless people,

and they held you down?

"Get off of me. What is this about?"

And then the leader come out, and you see

him like this. And he...

Oh, my God.

You know how dirty his hands are?

Oh, my f***ing God.

That'll be the quickest bump that you've

ever gotten in your f***ing life.

Pow! Bump! That f***ing fast.

You gotta explain it.

"Hey, man, is that a f***ing herpy?"

"Mmm-mmm. It's a bum bump."

"What?"

"What the f*** is a bum bump, man?"

A bum... A bum...

Hold on, hold on.

I gotta get it out. I gotta get it out.

Hold on. Hold on.

"What the f*** is that, man?"

"it's a bum bump."

"How the f***

you let a bum touch your lip?"

"I thought he was trying

to tell me a secret."

"What? What the f***

was a bum trying to tell you?"

"He tricked me. He was like, 'Hey, man.'

"I said, 'Huh?' He got me. That's..."

Get fire on these b*tches one time, man.

A f***ing bum bump. Watch...

Watch how y'all look at bums

when y'all leave the show.

Watch...

Watch how defensive y'all are.

"Excuse me, man,

can you spare some change?"

"Nigga, what the...

"Hey, man, you better get

your ass out of here, nigga.

"You out here trying to flick lips, cuz?

"You out here trying to give

a nigga a bum bump, nigga?

"I know what you're...

"You ain't gonna give me

no bum bump, nigga.

"You better get the f*** out of here, man.

"Knock your ass out, man.

"I don't want no bum bump.

"No, he got my nigga like that.

He told him a secret.

"My nigga leaned in. Mmm.

F***ed his whole sh*t up.

"This nigga's sh*t was all

bum bumpy for, like, two weeks."

I really believe sh*t like that can happen.

I'm a weird thinker, people,

I'm a weird thinker.

I'm glad that I'm a weird thinker, though.

Me being a weird thinker

has made me a better man.

It's made me a better father.

Let me explain how

it's made me a better father, okay?

Me thinking about my kids

eventually having a stepdad

is what made me a better father.

'Cause now, not only is it important

for me to make sure that I'm around,

but I need them to understand who I am

and what I represent to their lives.

Now, 'cause I see them so much,

I notice everything.

Like, my son is at this imagination stage.

Like, I thought the sh*t was a phase.

It's not. It's not going away.

Like, my son really thinks

that he's Spider-Man.

On some real sh*t.

And when he gets mad, he webs me.

Now, because I'm Dad,

I just go along with it.

Ahhh!

I act like I'm caught.

This is the sh*t that makes me laugh.

This is how he releases me from the web.

And he walks off.

The sh*t's hilarious.

Now, it's me and my son, we're bonding.

See, but as a parent, you don't realize

the effect that you have on your kids.

Whatever you do in the house,

your kids are gonna mimic

when they're outside the house.

I learned this lesson the hard way.

I go pick my son up from camp, right?

My son is outside arguing

with this little boy over a truck.

I'm watching. I'm not gonna break it up.

I want my son to be a boy,

let me see how he handles himself.

Little boy takes the truck from my son.

My son gets mad, takes the truck back.

"Mine!"

Little boy comes back,

punches my son in the back of the head.

My son falls.

This boy starts whooping my son's ass.

Listen, I don't know who

was training this little boy,

but they were doing an amazing job.

This boy could f***ing fight, okay?

I'm not gonna break it up.

I'm gonna let my son take his ass-whooping.

He will learn from it.

I'm watching.

I see this with my own two eyes.

My son gets mad, rolls over.

"What the f*** are you doing, man?

"It's not real. What are you doing?"

The parents are looking at me.

"Why would you teach him that?

Why would you even teach him that?"

I run over, I grab the

little boy off of my son.

This is the longest walk back to the car

that I've ever had with my son in my life.

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