Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain Page #9

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He just kept looking at his hands.

He was like...

"I don't know what happened, Dad.

I don't know what happened."

So I get mad. I'm like,

"Dude, if somebody's f***ing hitting you,

you ball your fists up, you hit him back.

"You don't let nobody hit you.

You ball your fists up, you hit him back."

Now, he doesn't like it

when I come down on him.

So he got mad. He webbed me.

Now, when he webbed me,

I had a choice to make.

Do I act like the game

that my son believes in isn't real

and no longer exists

and f*** his imagination up?

Or do I allow his imagination

to continue to run wild?

He's five.

I said,

"I'm gonna let his imagination run wild,"

act like I was caught. Ah!

Ahhh!

This... This is what I heard.

This is what my son said.

"I had it turned off, Dad."

Said, "What the f*** is going on here?"

Look, my kids are hilarious, man.

I got stories for days about my kids.

I took my kids horseback riding, right?

This might have been, like,

the best worst day that

I've ever had with my kids in my life.

I wanted to find a place

that was suitable for kids and adults

so we could make a day out of it.

I find this ranch, right?

Me, my kids, my brother,

my friends, we all go.

We get there, they got ponies.

My kids get on the ponies.

There's a smaller trail at the ranch.

They ride the ponies

around the smaller trail.

Me, my brother and my friends,

we go on the big horses.

We're gonna do the big trail, okay?

Here's what happened.

Everybody gets on their horses.

They've got their feet in the stirrups.

They're ready to go.

I'm last to get on my horse

'cause I was filling out the paperwork,

I'm paying for this sh*t.

I get on my horse. Here's

strike one for me.

I go to put my feet in the stirrups, right?

Okay. Okay, this was the problem.

Like, if I put this foot in,

this foot wasn't going to make it.

I couldn't get them both in, all right?

So I tell the guy. I say, "Hey, man,

I think I need smaller stirrups."

He was like, "Don't worry about it.

You don't need them."

I was like, "Mmm. Yes, I do.

"'Cause everybody else has them.

I wanna look like everybody else."

He was like, "Trust me,

you'll be all right."

I was like, "I don't trust you.

I wanna look like everybody else."

He said, "Look,

do you wanna talk to the instructor?"

I said, "Yes, I'll talk to the instructor."

Keep in mind,

the instructor is why I chose this ranch.

This guy is supposed to be a horse guru.

He was gonna teach us

how to physically control the horse.

He was gonna teach us

the verbal commands,

and he personally

was gonna take us on the trail.

Problem with this guy is

he cannot speak English, people, okay?

I can't make this sh*t up.

This is the speech that he gave

before we started the trail.

Word for word. He goes,

"Okay.

"Okay.

"Okay.

"Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm!

"Like that, kick twice. Mmm!

"Like that. All right, let's ride."

"What the f*** did he say?

Did you hear what he said?

"Hey, man, you gotta say it again for me.

I didn't understand what you said."

This is how I knew it was bullshit.

He said the same thing

in the exact same way.

He said, "Okay. Okay.

"All right, okay. Okay.

"Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm!

"Like that, kick twice. Mmm!

"Like that. All right, let's ride."

I said, "We're gonna f***ing die.

We're about to die."

My friend said,

"Kev, stop bitching. Let's just go."

Keep in mind, I have no stability.

My feet are just dangling

from the side of the horse.

I have nothing to hold on to,

except this little stump thing

in the middle of the f***ing saddle.

I said, "Fine, I ain't gonna say sh*t else.

Let's go."

My horse starts to trot.

He's not running, people. He's trotting.

I have no balance, so

I'm all over the place.

I'm like this, right?

My feet kicked the horse in the stomach.

That's a sign for your horse to speed up.

My horse takes off.

Listen to me, people. This nigga took off!

Now, I'm scared, 'cause

I don't know what to do with my feet.

At one point in time, I panicked,

had my feet on his neck.

Like, I was like this, right?

I was like this.

But I couldn't hear sh*t,

'cause the wind was blowing.

It was like...

I hear my friends in the back.

They're like...

Ohh!

Oh!

I don't know what they're saying.

I assume that they're saying, "Let go."

That's what I think

they're saying, "Let go."

So I said, "F*** it! Jesus,

take the wheel." Right?

I roll off like a black-ass tumbleweed.

Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap.

My... The horse keeps going.

My friends and my brother, the instructor,

everybody pulls up next to me.

It's at a point where I'm pissed.

I'm like, "Yo, I'm not doing

this sh*t no more. I'm out.

"F*** this trail. I'm done.

"I'm going back, I'm getting my kids,

I'm walking back to the hotel."

My boy, Spank, was like,

"Kev, you can't f***ing walk back.

"We've been riding for 25 minutes.

"It's gonna take you, like,

an hour to walk back."

I said, "Fine." I looked at the instructor,

I said, "Well, you're gonna take me.

You're gonna take me back right now."

He puts his arm down like this,

grabs me, pulls me, picks me up,

puts me on the back of his horse.

This is why I will never ride a horse

again in my life, people.

For 25 minutes, for 25 goddamn minutes,

I'm on the back of this nigga's horse.

I turn around, my friends think it's funny.

They're taking pictures, right?

I said, "Put the camera up!

Put the goddamn camera up!"

The instructor kicked the horse

in the stomach, the horse starts running.

He reaches around, grabs my lower back.

He starts pulling me in, right?

Now, I'm scared, so I can't let go,

so I've got my arms around his stomach.

I'm f***ing the sh*t

out of this nigga in his back.

He speed up, I speed up.

I gave him, like, 75 pops.

The sh*t that pissed me off,

while I'm in mid-pump,

he's gonna turn around

and go, "Let's ride."

I said, "Man, get the f*** off of me."

New York, it's been real.

My name is Kev Hart.

I f***ing love y'all, man.

I appreciate you. Thank you.

Get fire on these b*tches

one more time, man.

Thank you, New York.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Before I go,

I'm gonna end on a f***ing

note from the heart right now.

Uh... And I'm gonna try not to be a b*tch

and get emotional up here.

Dude, I am now one of few

to f***ing perform as a standup comedian

in Madison f***ing Square Garden.

Hey..

Listen to me. Listen to me.

You have no idea

the f***ing feeling that I have

going through my body right now, man.

This is a f***ing dream come true.

Hey, this is a f***ing

dream come true, man.

Thank you for being loyal.

Thank you for growing with me.

Thank you for f***ing enjoying me.

My name is Kev Hart, I love y'all.

Hey! Here they come.

Gather around.

We're about to throw a surprise.

Here we go.

I'm gonna take it

I'm gonna break it, hey

Go round, go round, go round

Go round, go round, go round

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

What?

Right now, we're gonna beer bike.

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