Kick-Ass 2 Page #2

to do with these?

Put them on and, uh,

go fishing.

I'm the whitest pimp ever.

That's the idea.

Take the next right.

Comes out on Flatbush.

You sure I should be doing

this without my gear?

That's the point.

Kick-Ass isn't a costume.

Kick-Ass is who you really are.

Dave Lizewski is the mask.

Well, my "mask" is about to

get his teeth kicked in.

Hey, queer bait, where are you

going with those bags, man?

Tell him you're on your way to f***

his mother with a 12-inch strap on.

I'm just taking a walk.

This really isn't what I do. I

usually just call the cops.

Who are you

talking to, man?

Uh, I'm just on a call.

It was...

You know, service round

here, it sucks, man.

Now give me the bags, f*ggot, before

I make you suck my fat cock, huh?

Come on.

Okay, Okay-

Can you believe I let Mindy

beat the snot out of me for weeks

just so I could get

my ass kicked again?

So much for a team.

You ready to die?

You f*ggot!

You know, all that homophobic

sh*t makes you sound super gay.

Come on, man.

Come on.

If I ever catch you robbing

again, sh*t-burger,

I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on

your ass and out your hand off.

Promise me you're done

with your life of crime.

I promise.

Pants on fire.

What do you think? I think

you almost got me killed!

No. What do you

think of my line?

"Pants on fire. "

I wrote a whole bunch of 'em.

Run! I'll tell them

you saved me. Go!

Female

suspect fleeing Flatbush.

Under 5 feet. Masked. Armed

with nunchucks and a sword.

Hey, Min. Hey, Marcus.

What's up?

I see you answered

your phone.

That means

you're not in school.

I was,

but I wasn't feeling so good, and so

the nurse decided to send me home.

Poor thing.

Well, I'm almost home.

I'll make soup

and we can watch Jeopardy!

All righty.

I'll see you soon, okay?

All right.

Sh*t!

You got my soup?

Let me take your

temperature first.

Oh, you're really clammy.

I'll feel better

after a nap-nap.

Close your eyes. I'm

gonna get you that soup.

Is that blood?

Damn it, Mindy.

I can't do this anymore.

Your father was

like a brother to me.

He was a great cop

and a hero.

But Big Daddy? That was

not your father, okay?

That was someone who robbed

you of your childhood.

And this?

Hit Girl?

That's not who you are.

You are Mindy Macready and you're

just starting high school.

I understand that you don't

know who that person is yet,

but you will,

you've just gotta try.

I don't want to.

You don't know

what you want.

You can't. You're not

an adult, not yet.

Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years

than most adults have in their lifetime.

That note that

your father gave you,

the one that you were supposed to

open if anything ever happened.

What did it say?

That you would

take care of me.

And that you were supposed

to listen to me, right?

Well, listen up.

I want you in school. I want you

to stop talking to that boy.

And I want you

to promise me

that this is never

gonna happen again.

Cross my heart,

hope to die.

Good.

Mindy!

What the hell?

First you almost get me

killed, then you stand me up.

Dave, I'm sorry.

I mean, I...

You are?

I am.

For everything.

Oh, okay, great.

I mean, "apologetic" isn't a

word I'd use to describe you.

How many times do

I have to say it?

Look,

let's get out of here.

You gotta ease up. I think

I might have broken a rib.

Dave, I'm done.

With training?

With everything.

Wait, you mean everything?

You can't.

You're Hit Girl.

We were gonna start a team,

you can't just quit.

This is who you are.

Not anymore, Dave.

I'm sorry, but it's over.

I'm done.

She just broke up

with him?

Just leave me alone.

Will You Stop apologizing?

I don't know what's worse, that

you're f***ing a 9th-grader

or that you just got dumped by one.

Whoa, whoa!

Pedophile freak.

It's not like that.

Then what is it like?

Please, tell me.

I can't. It's to do with the

Kick-Ass thing.

I've got a secret for you.

You remember Malik?

Dude who volunteers

at your needle exchange?

His baton is so much

bigger than Kick-Ass'.

No.

Yeah.

And by "baton,"

I mean penis.

Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Fifteen gets

you 20, pervert.

A freshman, Dave?

You old, salty dog.

What's the problem? Grass on

the field, play ball. Right?

No, Todd.

Chris,

your tutor's here.

Chris!

Chris, your...

Holy sh*t.

What the hell is that?

My destiny.

Chris, just because your mom liked

to get a little freaky now.

I know what my role

is in this, Javier.

My dad was a crime boss,

so it just makes sense.

I'm a supervillain.

It's evolution.

Come on, come on.

Just put those things down

before you hurt somebody, Chris.

That's not my name.

Okay, okay.

Uh, Red Mist...

Red Mist was

my superhero name.

Henceforth

I'll be known as

The Motherf***er.

DAVE'. After Mindy quit,

I decided to stop hitting the heavy

bag and start hitting the streets.

Hey, Kick-Ass,

welcome back!

Yeah!

Whoo!

You're the best, man!

Only problem,

I was still on my own.

So I went online and found

a physics professor

calling himself

"Dr. Gravity. "

Sure, he wasn't Hit Girl,

but I had to start somewhere.

This is the zero G device

that I invented.

Can levitate

any object up to a ton.

For real?

Hell, no, man. This is a

baseball bat wrapped in tinfoil.

But it fooled you.

Hey, could I get a Diet

Mountain Dew, please?

I'm not even

a physics professor.

Just a copywriter

for an ad agency.

But that's why

I love this stuff.

You can be

anyone you want!

You done many

team-ups before?

Kind of. Yeah.

No, not really.

I was getting kinda nervous about

being on my own, you know?

Yeah, me, too. I never

even been in a fight.

Well, hopefully

you won't have to.

I friended a guy talking about forming

a team, if you're interested.

I don't know

how serious he is,

but his picture

was pretty hard core.

Are you kidding me?

That's why I contacted you.

I didn't wanna freak you out

by bringing it up too soon.

I'll show you his profile

after I hit the men's room.

Your Uncle Ralph's not

gonna be happy about this, Chris.

That's not my name.

I'm not calling

you that, forget it.

Javier, you worked

for my dad.

Then you worked for my mom.

Now you work for me.

I'm probably the richest kid

in New York City.

But if you

don't like that,

find yourself another

motherfucking job, okay?

Yo, Kick-Ass!

Man,

am I glad to see you.

Is there anything

I can do to help, sir?

Yeah. I was hoping you can help

me get a million hits on YouTube.

Come on. Come on.

Run, Kick-Ass, run!

Jersey Shore motherf***er!

Hey, what, you not

interested in a fair fight?

That is no fair fight. Team meeting tomorrow.

I'll e-mail you the address.

Beware Dr. Gravity!

You had to admire

the Doctor's enthusiasm.

I couldn't wait

to meet his friends.

Hands in the air,

Spring Roll.

Empty the register and

don't do anything stupid.

Come on! Hey, where are

your security cameras?

We don't have them. Too expensive.

Seriously?

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