Kick-Ass 2 Page #3

What the f***? How's this gonna go viral?

You want to be filmed?

Shut up and just

get on the ground!

And you'd better tell people

The Motherf***er was here.

What's wrong with you, boy?

Get on the floor,

too, Gandalf,

or I will bust

a cap in your ass.

You're gonna bust

your own face

when that gun kicks if you

don't hold it properly.

Just get on the ground!

God, will you hurry up!

I told you.

Go! Go, go, go!

Start the car! Go, go!

It was amazing!

I feel so alive. I know who I am.

I know why I'm here.

I'm gonna f***

this world up!

They will know The

Motherf***er's name!

You've gotta find me some bad-ass

MMA types to train me, okay?

Like a Chuck Liddell

or whoever.

F***, I don't care

how much it costs.

I just wanna be able to kill

Kick-Ass with my bare hands.

I gotta tweet about this.

All right.

Are you ready?

Um, I don't know.

Am I?

Yes, you are.

You look great.

And Barbara's daughter,

Brooke, is really nice.

What am I supposed

to talk to them about?

I'd rather be water-boarded

than listen to Justin Bieber.

You're gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be a disaster.

How do you know that?

Because it's a slumber party,

for f***'s sake.

Dollar. Jar.

You're gonna need

a bigger jar.

Pretty cool, huh? This is how

the beer gets delivered.

Dude. You got a secret elevator

to your underground headquarters.

Yeah. The guy I told

you about owns this place.

It's like

a real-life bat-cave.

I know, right.

Oh, yeah.

This is the single greatest

thing I've ever seen.

Welcome to Justice Forever.

Hi, Detective Williams.

This must be Mindy.

It is. Hi, Brooke.

You girls have fun and I'll pick

you up in the morning, okay?

I'll be the one

with the slit wrists.

No, you're gonna be the one

that gets the awesome manicure.

I am?

Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Sat "hey"

to Mindy, ladies.

Hey.

I know you.

You're that freshman who took a ride

on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.

I did not ride his...

If you just blew him, you're

totes a virgin, right?

She didn't blow him,

look at her.

Then what? Rim job?

Hand job? Fingerbang?

Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest, you at

least kissed him, right?

Totes.

You've never kissed

a boy, have you?

Oh, my God,

that is so adorable.

Maybe she's a dyke.

Maybe I'll jam

my foot up your snatch.

Oh, she's super bitchy,

I likes.

Then what's

the big deal anyway?

What could be so great about gagging

on some douche-bag's tongue?

It's pretty f***ing great.

You know how you feel when you

watch that video by Union J?

Holy sh*t,

you don't know?

This will change your life.

Don't ever say you're

lonely Just lay your problems on me

And I'll be waiting

there for you

You guys love this sh*t more than

fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?

Who's Stan Lee?

I'll carry

you I'll carry you

I'll carry you

So you know that

I'll carry you

I'll carry you

I'll carry you

Like you've been

running for hours

And can't catch your breath

The demons are screaming

so loud in your head

You're tired

You're broken

You're cut

and you're bruised

But nothing's too heavy

Just hold on

I'll carry you

What the f*** was that?

I know, right?

I'm soaked.

That? That is

who you are, Mindy.

You may not dress

like us or talk like us,

but when it comes to boys,

we're all the same.

Twilight. Channing Tatum.

Union J.

It's biology, b*tch.

Don't fight it.

I, um...

I gotta go.

But we were gonna go and get high

on bath salts at Logan's house.

Mindy, I wanna

give you a chance

that the rest of the girls

in our class would kill for.

Don't you wanna walk out the door

every day in skin-tight clothes

knowing that

everyone worships you?

Don't you wanna sneak out at

night, raise a little hell,

and show the world

what a strong,

independent woman

is capable of?

Don't you wanna belong?

So you know that

I'll carry you

Can I wear this

to Logan's?

Yay!

It's gonna be

so much fun.

So we tried the cops

and tried the newspapers,

and even set up a, you know,

a thing on the Internet

for people to

help us find Tommy.

Um...

But we got nothing. We

never saw our son again.

I came up with the name

Remembering Tommy,

and, uh, we've been doing this

three nights a week. So...

Colonel Stars and Stripes

found us online.

That's terrible, guys.

I'm real sorry.

I became Night B*tch after my sister

was murdered and found in a dumpster.

Holy sh*t.

Doesn't bring her back,

but at least I'm doing

something positive about it.

Insect Man.

Yeah, um...

I've been bullied my whole

life for being gay,

so now I stand up

for the defenseless.

That's why

I don't wear a mask.

Too much like being

back in the closet.

Long as your

heart's in the right place,

we don't care what you

put in your mouth.

Fist bump. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Well, I became Battle Guy

after my parents were mugged and

killed coming home from the opera.

Did I tell you

that sick bastard

maxed out their credit

cards on porno sites?

I hope we get the chance to

say hello to this guy someday

so I can personally levitate

his soul from his body.

Oh, my God. Marty?

Yeah, I knew

I recognized your voice.

No, I don't know what

you're talking about.

I don't know no Marty.

New guy.

Hey, a**hole,

it's me, Dave.

Dave? Why are you

dressed like Kick-Ass?

Because I'm Kick-Ass.

You two

know each other?

Yeah,

like since we were five.

What's all this bullshit about

your parents getting killed?

Yeesh, language.

What?

Battle Guy, care to

update your rsum?

Uh...

I'm trying to figure out

how to explain this

without sounding like

a complete idiot right now.

Yeah, I'm not sure

that's possible, Batman.

I'm not, either.

Um...

Okay. Well, when I found

you guys online,

you were all swapping these

awesome origin stories.

I mean, Colonel, you're

ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.

Yo. Don't take

the Lord's name in vain.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think you'd

let me join the team

unless I had

a good story, too.

All right, we'll let you off the

hook this time, Battle Guy.

Wanna see something cool?

Yeah.

I thought this could

be our meeting room.

Whoa, this is so cool.

Now this little renovation

was totally clandestine,

which means nobody knew about it.

Now, I know it's not much, but

this is just the beginning.

Together we can make

a real difference.

Whoa!

If you'd consider it,

Kick-Ass,

we'd be honored

to have you join us.

Hell, yeah!

That's what

I like to hear.

Right, time for initiation.

Turn around

and I'll unzip you.

I'm sorry, what?

Just joking. Let's get

down to business.

Gotcha.

There you are.

We saved you a seat in the

caf, but you never showed.

I usually head over to the

Olive Garden to carb load.

I haven't had white sugar

since my first birthday.

Do we need

a thintervention?

Come on, best way to tighten up

a tummy is varsity dance team.

The sign-up sheet

just went up.

It's still blowing

my mind. Kick-Ass.

It's like finding out

your best friend's

always been Will Smith,

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