Kick-Ass 2 Page #4

you know?

Hi, guys. What are you

talking about?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Yeah, Todd, nothing.

All right.

See you around, guys.

Todd, wait.

Ow, watch it.

Watch me end your life.

Come on. Forget it.

Just one of the d*ckheads that

follows The Motherf***er on Twitter.

Who?

The Motherf***er.

He's some guy

claiming to be the world's

first supervillain.

He's got 1,000

followers already.

What an a**hole.

Get some!

Uh-huh! Yeah!

You got this, Motherf***er!

You really think

he's got a shot?

I wouldn't take

his money if I didn't.

MMA is like chess.

It's all about the moves. And

your boy really knows his stuff.

Time to die, a**hole.

You all right?

I'm cool. Ow!

Good job.

Nice jab, buddy.

Come on, stay loose, baby.

Walk it off, walk it off.

Oh!

Sh*t!

Oh, you broke my leg!

Come on. Do something.

Let's take a break.

Yeah, yeah, let's

take a break, guys. Come on.

Street rules, b*tch!

Chuck! Get this girl off me!

Hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing, man?

You all right, Chris?

You all right, buddy?

Get off me!

I was winning.

No, you were crying.

You know what? Screw this.

My super power

is that I'm rich as sh*t.

Hey, you wanna

work for me, huh?

You wanna beat

people up for me?

Sure.

All right!

Let's get you

a mask and a costume,

and we will call you

Black Death.

Whoa, whoa, you don't think that's

just a little bit incredibly racist?

I don't give a sh*t.

I want you

to put the word out

that I'm willing

to pay top dollar

for every hired

hitter in town.

Come on, come on.

Just talk about it first.

Money talks.

You wanted me

to be my own man.

This is

what it looks like.

All right, all right, I'll

make some calls. Yes!

Anybody else wanna

be a supervillain?

Promise I pay better than

Chuck-little-dick-Liddell.

What did you call me?

No, no, man.

He took a hit to the head.

Doesn't know what he's saying.

I've been studying

privately with Coach Podell.

And by studying, I mean my mom

paid her off to make me varsity.

So, if you're half decent, I'll

make sure she puts you on the team.

At least as an alternate.

You'd do that for me?

Besties stick together.

If Brooke wants a pet,

she should just get a dog.

She's just trying to recreate

Mindy in her own image.

All right, ladies, have a seat.

Let's get started.

Mindy Macready?

Chill. As long as you don't

fall on your face, you're in.

Go.

Four attackers.

No escape.

Oh, my God. You

could totally make captain.

That was so much

better than Brooke's.

Oh, my God.

Brooke doesn't stand a

chance for captain after that.

A bunch of people

with made-up names

standing around

in homemade costumes,

searching the web

for unsolved crimes.

The comic book heroes

all have billion-dollar bases

and headquarters on the moon,

but this is the real world.

...scales, like a red, white and blue.

It's awesome.

What's that?

Brick.

Right.

What do you think?

I think it does the job.

People should get

what they deserve.

Family living in the street

deserves a hot meal.

An inebriated college girl deserves

to make it home safe at night.

And a pervert, pedophile,

deserves a visit

from Eisenhower.

Schwantz!

Ouch.

You don't wanna hit

with your closed fist.

You might break your hand,

then you're defenseless.

You wanna hit with open palm and pivot.

Open palm and pivot.

Grab the back...

I never made

varsity football

or got cast in the school play.

Hell, I never even

made honor roll.

Knock out, b*tch!

But if I had, I gotta believe it

would've felt a lot like this.

When the cops can no

longer protect and serve,

be warned, mugger,

heads up, perv.

We got the strength,

we got the nerve

to give those in need

what they deserve!

Justice Forever!

We were in

the ultimate clique.

It didn't matter that

no one else knew.

We knew.

And we felt like rock stars.

Good night, guys.

Nice job. Battle Guy.

Night, Colonel.

Thanks for everything.

No, son, thank you.

You showed us that every

man can make a difference.

Without Kick-Ass,

none of us would be here.

That's from the heart. Don't

let it go to your head.

So...

I'm not really that tired.

Mmm.

Mmm-mmm?

Mmm. Okay.

Let's leave the masks on.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah!

First big

mission's tonight

and it's not

community service.

We're taking on

some real bad guys.

What, can't your

team handle it?

They're not you, Mindy.

Remembering Tommy

owns a dry fruit business.

Night B*tch teaches ballet.

Night B*tch?

What is she? A superhero

or a soft core porno?

Maybe a little bit of both.

Oh, God,

you're plugging her?

I'm gonna vom.

You're like a ninja.

Can't you just sneak out

after Marcus goes to sleep?

You don't get it, Dave.

I made a promise to Marcus.

So break it. You're a

superhero, remember?

Mindy Macready's

just a disguise.

Yeah, well, I don't know what

kind of superhero Night Whore is,

but if you really think

I'd ever break my word,

you obviously have

no idea who I am.

I know that making dance team doesn't

make you stop being who you are.

I know Hit Girl

couldn't give a sh*t

about what high school

girls are into.

I know that you wouldn't go on a

date if your life depended on it.

Go to hell, Dave.

What? You know I'm right.

Hey! Roid Rage.

Me?

Yeah.

You wanna take me

on a date sometime?

Uh,yeah.

Sure. Um...

My name's, um, Simon.

Great, um, Simon.

It's a date.

Mindy, I'm sorry.

Is there a problem, Min?

Zero.

Good. Because

I don't like problems.

Dave, you been

sneaking out at night?

Mrs. Neipert said

she thought she saw you leaving

at 2:
00 in the morning.

Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad.

She tried to teach

her dog Spanish.

Are you on drugs?

Seriously?

I gotta ask.

You're my best bud and

you're growing up so fast.

Promise me you're not

doing anything foolish?

Yeah, I promise.

Good enough for me, pal.

You're too smart to

do anything stupid.

Justice Forever!

I'm glad you got that out of your system.

Oh, Todd texted me.

Again. What a loser.

Dude, how bad-ass is

Colonel Stars and Stripes?

Yeah, I still can't believe

he's an ex-mob enforcer.

I mean, how do you go from

that to being a superhero?

He's a born-again Christian.

Shut up.

Yeah.

Let's hope he

can handle tonight.

I guess we're

about to find out.

Hey. Where's the rest

of the team?

Dr. Gravity has the flu,

and Remembering Tommy got

Book of Mormon tickets, so...

That's okay.

Five of us should do.

How did you say this guy made

his money, sir? Prostitution?

Not just girls. Kids. Ships them

in from villages back home.

Boneheads in blue

take a blind eye.

How do you know

he's here tonight?

Because Thursday night

is poker night.

Same five low-lifes

every week.

Man with a habit

ain't hard to find.

So what's the plan?

Are we sneaking in?

I thought we'd knock.

It's more polite.

What?

Stay frosty, team.

I used to eat punks

like this for breakfast.

Jehovah's Witness!

I'm sorry, I just

zoned out for a second.

Did you say that we're going

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