Kick-Ass 2 Page #5

up against five gangsters?

And bouncer makes six.

And three-quarters.

What the f***

do you want?

Good evening, young man. We'd

like a word with Jimmy Kim.

If it's not too inconvenient.

Get the f*** out of here before I

tear your head off, you old f***.

I'm sorry.

I think we're in trouble.

I just don't understand

why people feel the need

to use that kind of language.

Whoa!

There he goes.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Battle Guy, what did I tell you about

taking the Lord's name in vain?

Sorry, sir.

Eisenhower, at the ready.

Insect Man, I want

you right behind me.

Everybody else spread out,

catch the strays.

Oh.

And try to have fun,

otherwise what's the point?

Nice party.

Anybody wanna dance?

Where are you going?

Very nice.

Behind you!

Watch the birdie.

Whoo!

Don't you move.

Night B*tch!

Behind you!

Wait.

Look out!

Okay, I got his right arm.

You know, you shouldn't talk

with your mouth full.

It's very rude.

Come on.

Who the hell are you?

We're the good guys.

Oh, no, you're

the f***ing dead guys.

Eisenhower! Schwantz!

Oh!

Ow!

Where are the girls?

Come on, man.

I've got a heart problem.

Oh, yeah?

No.

Do you want me

to solve that for you?

Whoa, whoa!

Okay. The girls are

upstairs in the apartments.

My little brother, he's on the till.

He's just a college kid.

Kick-Ass, Night B*tch.

On it.

Ralph D'Amico is

gonna end you for this.

Ow! It hurts!

Yeah,

there's a dog on your balls.

You want money? There's

50 grand on the table.

Please just make him stop! Please!

You think you can buy us?

Is that what you think?

We're not here

to steal from you.

We're here to send a message to

all the other bottom-dwellers.

We're shutting you down.

Come on.

There's a van waiting outside

from a battered women's shelter.

It'll take you

some place safe.

Go. Go.

We really can't leave.

We have no money.

Battle Guy, how much

they have on the table?

Oh, it's like 50 grand.

You got plenty now.

Thank you.

Good job, guys.

Very tidy. Very tidy-

I can't believe you pulled

a gun on that guy.

Were you really

gonna shoot him?

Let you in on

a little secret.

Empty.

Don't tell the bad guys.

Pardon my language, Colonel, but

you have got some serious balls.

Certainly more than Mr. Kim.

"There's

a dog on my balls. "

God damn it.

Javier!

What happened?

Some douche just posted a link

to a story about a whorehouse,

says that Kick-Ass'

team took them out.

What the hell?

Where's my crew?

Chris, everybody's just...

Uh, can you ladies

excuse us for a second?

Uh, no,

they're my sidekicks.

They can listen to

what we have to say.

They're not

your sidekicks, Chris.

They're prostitutes

and witnesses, come on.

All right.

Sorry, no offense.

Everybody's just too afraid of

your Uncle Ralph to take the job.

But he's in prison.

Doesn't matter.

He runs the family now.

And he wants

everybody to lay low.

But, fortunately for you,

Big Tony doesn't know how

to lay low, so he's in.

I don't remember a Big Tony.

Is he huge? He's ironic.

5 foot 4,

but mean as sh*t.

He's got such a hard-on

for killing people.

He's little and he kills.

Right.

Call him "The Tumor. "

Who's next?

All right, we've got, uh, an

ex-Triad member looking for work.

Easy, "Genghis Carnage. "

Come on.

You gotta quit with the

racist stereotypes, Chris.

Archetypes.

Keep going.

We got, uh,

Katarina Dumbrovski.

Wait, wait. A chick?

Yeah.

Seriously,

you hired a chick?

Yeah. Former KGB. She was locked up in

the Gulag until she ate her cellmate.

Okay. "Mother Russia. "

Mother Russia and Motherf***er

both on the same team?

That doesn't work, Chris.

I am not asking for

suggestions, a**hole.

Just get them costumes

and get them ready!

Sh*t.

Javier, thank you.

I couldn't do this

without you.

You're pretty much like the

only real family I have left..

Not a problem, man.

I got your back.

It's kinda like you're the

Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.

Did you just call me

your f***ing butler?

Yeah, is that not

a compliment?

Sh*t. My bad.

There wasn't

much action most nights.

I mean, there was always a

little action with Night B*tch.

The reality of being a

superhero is lots of patrols.

But that didn't stop people

from begging to join up.

With all our new members, it seemed

kinda shitty not to ask Todd.

Stop peeking, man,

you're gonna ruin it.

Check it out.

You can't fight crime in that. Your

pants are so tight, you got frog-eye.

What the

hell's "frog-eye"?

Male camel toe.

What?

I'm not really sure about these names, either.

"Whup-Ass," "Kick-Ass-Man. "

"Dr. Kick-Ass"?

Yeah.

Yeah, they all

kinda seem derivative.

Let me translate that.

You can't just copy Dave's

name, you knob-gobbler.

Okay. Um...

Uh...

Oh, wait. Oh, I got it.

I got it. I got it.

"Ass Kicker. "

Seriously?

You're such a dick, Marty.

I know this is why you guys

aren't texting me back,

I'm not an actual idiot.

Well, you could have

fooled me, Ass-Licker.

Yeah, well, screw you guys.

Todd...

No, really.

F*** you guys.

I'm gonna go find

my own team.

Todd. Wait. Come on.

Todd was right,

we were being d*cks.

But the truth is,

the only person

I really wanted on

the team was Mindy,

but she was too busy

trying not to be a superhero.

Okay, Min, he's here.

Your first big date.

How are you feeling?

Like the first time

Big Daddy sent me into

a crack den with nothing

but a penknife.

I've got some butterflies.

You just be yourself

and you let me be nervous.

Don't worry about me. I can

kill a man with his own finger.

A word of advice, I wouldn't

open with that.

Thanks for letting me

finally take you out.

Well, uh,

how else was I gonna get

you to stop calling?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Where are we going?

To a party.

Why is this party in

the middle of nowhere?

Because that's where keg

parties usually are, right?

Guess we're

the first ones here.

This isn't where you

have a party, moron.

This is where you

dump a dead body.

What's your problem?

I'm sorry.

I'll stop being such a b*tch.

You actually seem

like a nice guy.

So, um...

You wanna hook up?

And a total idiot.

Simon, get back

in the car.

Now!

Yay, you made it.

Brooke?

This is to celebrate you.

Celebrate?

What a total loser you are.

And we ditch losers.

Poor Mindy.

What did you think?

The cool kids saw

something special in you

and invited you

to your first party

where you'd sip

your first beer

and finally suck face

for the first time?

Newsflash,

you're not special.

F*** with the queen bee

and you're gonna get stung.

Date ditch.

Party at my house!

Pathetic.

Simon,

you can drive us.

Dave?

Oh, my God! Mindy? Holy sh*t.

What are you doing?

Just needed to see

my Robin, I guess.

Are you okay?

Hey, hey, hey-

I don't know what to do.

Those girls, they're...

They're evil.

It's just high school.

Who gives a sh*t?

You should be out there in the real

world making it a better place.

Dave, I can't.

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