Kicking and Screaming Page #4

Don't tell Max about it.

Ah, the Hole.

- Oh. I should have brought my hanky.

- What?

Yeah, I'm gonna start wearing a hanky around.

It's a pretty good idea.

I think I made a wise decision with these

slacks tonight. What do you think?

Oh. Grover. Grover.

Me likes what me sees.

- She wants you.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

- Why? Do you know her? No. Seriously, do you know her?

I.D.

Come on, man. Let's go. Good song.

Hey, sweetheart.

- You look great.

- You do too.

Move it along.

- All right. Go ahead, man.

- Oh. Thanks.

- Hurry up. Hurry up.

- You got an I. D?

- He's inside already.

- Yeah.

Oh, you know what?

I don't have it on me.

- Listen. I'm way over 21.

- I need proof.

- You certainly look old enough, but I need proof.

- Sh*t.

- Where the hell did I leave it?

- Gotta have "id. "

Can't drink without "id. "

And so this friend of mine, you know,

got a big hoop as a nose ring...

and one day, while she was

running to make a class...

she got it caught in somebody else's hair

who was running in the other direction.

It ripped half her nose off.

Well, there's also that dark side

to the nose ring.

You know, you would look good

with a nose ring.

Yeah. I'm probably gonna get one.

Yeah. It would have to be something,

like, right here. Right in the center.

- But that would give you a tribal look.

- Yeah. That's nice. Thank you. I think that's a good suggestion.

Look at this girl. God, I'd like to f*** the dickens

out of her, if you know what I mean.

No, I have no idea what you mean.

Well, if it isn't f*** suck ass sh*t cock!

- That's Fish. He's pretty cool.

- Yeah.

I.D. I.D.

They wouldn't let you in either, huh?

No. I - I lost my wallet.

Well, I gave my fake I.D. to my friend...

and now she's in there partying

while I'm out here.

- I.D.

- Do you have a fake I. D?

No. I, uh - I have a real I.D.

- You're 21?

- Two.

Wow. Old Man River.

Let's move it, people. I.D.

There's an '80s party in the dorms.

You have work to do, as do I.

- Sweetie, we shouldn't be out so late.

- I'm going.

- I'll - I'll go.

- You'll go? Great.

- You're right.

- What -What dorm?

Think I flew off the handle there?

I think you were fine.

Skippy, get me a drink, huh?

Thanks.

Ceiling.

Books.

As I Lay Dying.

Heart of Darkness.

- Hello.

- Max.

When Josie and the Pussycats

were in outer space...

what was the name of

the puffy guy who flew?

- Bleep Bleep.

- Great. Thanks.

It was bothering me.

- You drunk?

- Yeah.

You got a message

from your ex-girlfriend.

I should call her.

Got a quarter for me?

Who's that? Jane 2: Electric Boogaloo?

- Yep.

- Where are you?

Nowhere. What are you doing?

- Night.

- Yeah. See ya.

I gotta go.

I gotta sleep with a freshman.

Okay. Me too. Bye-bye.

- Don't you have a roommate?

- No.

Oh, my Uncle Lee's a therapist. He wrote

a note and said that I was mentally unstable.

I hope you don't mind

I took my shirt off.

Well, maybe just this once.

I really love the blues.

Oh, Amy.

I don't know.

I've been recently widowed.

Well, you don't have to worry about anything.

I'm not gonna leave my boyfriend for your-

It just seems like a college thing to do.

- Oh.

- Come on.

Be romantically

self-destructive with me.

Oh, Amy.

Um, okay. Look.

I'll sleep over,

but I won't sleep with you.

You p*ssy.

Come on, woman.

Why don't you take off your skirt.

Hello, my friend.

My little friend.

You do nothing.

Max Belmont does nothing.

Oh, Max. Wh-What do you do?

Oh, I - I do nothing.

- Hey.

- Oh.

- Do you know him?

- Stupid freshmen say hi to everybody.

- You beat off today?

- Yeah. You?

Yeah.

You know, I caught myself writing

"go to bed" and "wake up" in my date book...

as if they were two different events.

What kind of job

are you gonna apply for?

I don't know. I need the money,

but I'd rather not settle for anything small.

We're in Munton.

There is only small in Munton.

- Yeah, but to settle -

- Hey, fellas.

Can't talk. I got class. See you later.

Then you need to

make this sound more impressive.

This is ridiculous. "Drove a truck"?

I mean, be specific. Why'd you drive a truck?

- Delivered cheese.

- What kind of cheese?

What do you mean what kind?

I don't know. Gouda. Or Stilton maybe.

That's fancy cheese.

It wasn't American then?

No, I think I delivered foreign cheeses.

I just drove the truck.

I realize that, but how about,

"Responsibilities included...

"transportation of gourmet cheese products

throughout the metropolitan area"?

Hey. That's nice.

Aha! See? You make fun of me,

but there is something going on here.

Well, my brother's gay, so I know.

Anyway, um -

Are you going to the rally?

You know, racism spans the globe.

From Howard Beach to Crown Heights,

we witness acts of hatred.

What does that mean,

"from Howard Beach to Crown Heights"?

That's like from the living room to

the dining room we witness acts of hatred.

Racism spans

from here to the dance floor.

So much anger.

Could I get you

a Jell-O shot, Miami? Grape.

Sure. Why not? I'll try one. Thanks.

Two grapes!

Where's Skippy?

You guys all talk alike.

Skippy's, um -

Says he's doing homework, but I think

he just watches TV and drinks Colt 45.

- You know the big ones?

- Yeah. I know 'em.

What's Grover up to?

Well, he'd like us to think

that he's writing a novel...

but we all know he just goes out and gallivants

with freshmen women trying to relive Jane.

If you'd like my Intro to Psych analysis.

Who'd you take Intro to Psych with?

No one. I dated a girl who took it.

Look at these f***ing people.

This sleaze, for instance.

"I'm thinking of getting 'I Hate It'

tattooed inside my mouth. "

"I'm the guy that girls like to hug.

The safe guy.

"I'll spend a night in a girl's bed,

and nothing will happen.

We'll just lie next to

each other and chat. "

And these girls.

"We're both art history majors,

and we're real cute.

"But to be perfectly honest with you...

anything past Impressionism

kind of leaves us cold. "

"Give me a year, and I'll be taken to college

court for date-raping one of these two girls. "

And this fool.

Who knows what he's trying to swing.

Just another tattoo and motorcycle

Mickey Rourkejerkwad.

And what are you?

Was that the beep?

Uh, hi, Grover. It's me, Jane.

How are you? Um, I'm over here right now

futzing around Prague.

Um - Always feel like I should say

something important when I call long-distance...

but I don't really have

anything to say right now.

Let's see. Um, I was in Poland for a while,

if you tried to reach me.

And, uh - Oh. I finally read

War and Peace, which was good.

Like that was a surprise.

And when I was in Poland

I took this trip to Auschwitz.

God, I hope this is the right number.

That sounds terrible.

"I took a trip to Auschwitz. "

I don't know. Well, bye.

Oh. You'll never believe how bad

American coffee is until you've been over here.

Hi. How are you?

Grover.

Um, you're gonna think

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