Kicking and Screaming Page #7

Don't upset him, because

he'd already rather be bow hunting...

and any additional aggravation -

Chickenshit!

He left.

Yeah.

You make me sad, Skippy.

You know, this big idea about you learning

and coming back to school...

and - Mmm -

taking all of these classes.

You haven't done a stitch of reading

since you've been here.

You get on my case about my studies.

- I mean, really!

- God, I begged you to stay on Prozac.

You used me to come back to school.

That's what you did.

'Cause I could care less

about your stupid classes.

Is G.I. Joe a safe doll

to give kids at Christmas?

What's the effect

of TV weathermen on society?

My classes?

Let's talk about your classes. Okay?

Your dinosaur classes

and all that sh*t.

Let's talk about your friends.

Let's talk about how you guys

are all in love with each other...

and how sick you make me

with your stupid games, those trivia games.

Ding! Max loves Grover.

Ding! Skippy does Otis.

Ding! They all do each other

and - and -

It drives me nuts!

Ding that, Skippy.

Get a f***ing life.

Nice dime-store psychoanalysis.

You know what?

I can't stand you.

I can't stand... that.

You know?

Your shoes, your pants,

that shirt you're wearing, your hair.

Your hair drives me crazy.

Just get out. Okay?

I have homework to do.

Just get out.

Get out!

- Get out.

Out. Out.

Go.

Go.

Out.

You got nice eaves

on your house there.

"Eaves"?

You do the crossword too, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I had a nice time.

Yeah.

You know,

tomorrow's my birthday.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

That's terrible. That's just the worst.

Now I won't know what to get you.

If I get you a big gift, it looks like

I'm overcompensating and coming on too strong.

If I get you something small...

I look cheap.

I've inherited a tragedy. It's like

a venereal disease, a birthday at this point.

You know, I don't know why

everything is so glum with ya at first.

Potatoes, parking...

toppings on pizza.

I like birthdays.

I'm gonna be 17 tomorrow,

and I like that.

Seventeen.

Wow.

So, now you can read

Seventeen magazine...

and finally get

all the references.

So it's not so bad.

I wanna be older.

And it's not a disease.

Well, may you see 17 more.

I'll only go to first

with you tonight.

"My backpack is filled with misfortune

and my boots filled with sorrow...

- Oh, f***.

- for the adolescent country-"

"Bleeding cactus. "

In or out!

- Ow! Ow.

- You okay?

Yeah. Uh, listen,

do you have something?

Protection, I mean.

I know that's a silly question, but, um -

In my- Uh, hold on.

Where are my pants?

Ow.

- No. No. I don't have my wallet.

- Oh, no.

Audra, are you still awake?

No!

Do you have any condoms?

Oh, let me see.

You should really be more prepared, "Groden. "

Look, I hate to put you through

all this trouble for a silly little condom.

No - No, we -

We'll find something.

I'm gonna look

for my wallet in the hall.

Oh, man! Aww.

Well, maybe you

left your wallet at home.

Here's a condom.

Uh, might be a little old.

The f***ing bong.

Oh, monkey!

Grover, I need to know

if you're gonna stay in my apartment.

Otherwise, I'll rent it.

Call me.

Knicks in trouble.

Zach, do you have

Dr. Giggles letterboxed?

"Insane Doctors,"

right next to "Interesting Failures. "

Yes!

Aha. This bastard wasn't kind,

didn't rewind...

and now, mister, you'll get fined.

When I make my movie, they're gonna have

a hell of a time finding a category for it.

- Did I tell you about my movie?

- Yes.

Well, it's changed a little bit.

Now it's about this guy who lives

with his mother, and they sort of fall in love.

It's real, uh, shocking,

you know, like Lolita.

- They weren't blood relations in Lolita.

- Well, see, I'm doing something different then.

And I'm playing with gender roles.

Probably put it in "Offbeat. "

- Or way offbeat.

- See? You're shocked.

All right, have this back

by Tuesday night.

- You've got a delinquent Mystic Pizza.

- Okay, whatever.

See, you're shocked.

They'd have to invent a section for my movie.

That'll be cool, huh,

when I make my movie...

and it comes out on video.

You and I could see who rents it.

We could probably sit here

and watch it on the TV.

So you plan on still working here

even after you make a motion picture.

True.

I may not be here then.

There is a certainly laughability

to Kant.

Sure, he's valuable in certain ways,

but you gotta admit there's a laughability to him.

Is it me, or does "Bankrupt" come up

more often on Wheel of Fortune now?

- I think I see you as Braque to my Picasso.

- Yes!

Would you rather be buried,

cremated or eaten by crows?

I think I'd rather be cremated.

Okay, can you name me 10 European capitals?

- Ding, ding! Holland. England.

- Uh, Madrid.

England?

Skippy, what kind of a triv master

are you, anyway?

- Chet, you wanna ding in?

- No, sir. At my age I find trivia too exhausting.

Okay, I'll go. Name me all nine

of the Friday the 13th movies.

- Ding!

- Otis dinged first. Otis dinged first.

Okay, Friday the 13th 1-

Just Friday the 13th.

Friday the 13th 2,

Friday the 13th 3 in 3-D...

four, The Final Chapter,

five, A New Beginning...

uh, seven is The New Blood,

eight is Jason Takes Manhattan...

- nine is Jason Goes to Hell-

- Tick. Tick.

What the hell is six?

Uh, Jason Sucks Some Cock.

- No. Max.

- Time is up.

- I'm pretty sure it's Jason Sucks Some Cock.

- No. Max.

- Jason Kills.

- That's it. That's it.

- There's no Jason Kills.

- Somethin' like that. We'll give it to him anyway.

- You'll give it to him anyway?

- Name six TV shows from movies.

- Ding! Ding!

- You shouldn't even be triv master. You're not one of us.

Jason Kills is an idiotic title. Jason kills

in every one of those suck-wind movies.

- Do you want me to take his points back?

- Yes. Take his points back.

- There is no Jason Kills?

- No.

- Was Uncle Buck a TV show? - Yes.

- Will you shut up for a second?

It's not Jason Kills.

- Is it?

- It's Jason Lives.

Ah! Jason Lives.

- Who the f*** cares what Jason does?

- You started this.

- Look at us.

- Hey, was Charles in Charge a movie?

- No.

- I quit. You're all a bunch of media slaves.

I hate this game show sh*t.

Kate...

I'm having a sl-slight

nervous breakdown right now.

Would you mind...

excusing yourself, please?

I took back his points.

Thank you.

This is all conversational blue balls.

Calm down. Somebody woke up

on the wrong side of the futon this morning.

You should talk.

You're the biggest wet blanket of us all.

- Worst influence on anyone.

- I'm going home.

You're not going anywhere. None of us.

We're gonna stay at school forever.

- Shut up, Skippy.

- Leave Skippy alone.

Leave Skippy alone? That's his role.

That's what we like about Skippy.

We like to kick him around

and make fun of him. That's the norm.

- Then it's a bad habit.

- This is all just habit.

These drinks we're drinking. Scotch.

You smoke like a chimney, Grover.

Affectations that become habits.

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