Killer Movie Page #5

I think you're

one brave little guy

For telling me that.

I'm gonna do

some asking around.

Cool?

- Cool.

Come on.

You know, if--

uh, you know--

if you--if you

wanna nap in--

uh, the bed

in my camper is, uh--

it's a lot more comfortable

than in here.

I'm fine here, f*** face,

but thanks.

Lee.

You home?

Ah, hey, buddy.

What are you doing?

Yeah, you wanna

go outside, don't you?

All right.

All right, come on.

Come on, bongo.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You scared the hell out of me.

Don't go digging up sh*t

you don't know nothin' about.

I'm sorry, what?

- You heard me.

It's a small town.

We all talk to each other.

I don't care to hear

none of the sh*t

coach Hansen is spinnin'.

He's an ex-con.

And a murderer.

Are we clear?

Yeah.

We're clear.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, wow, uh--

Jesus, sorry.

Nice timing, douche bag.

Um, we were just gonna go

get a beer and whatnot.

You should totally come.

Okay.

You're so bad.

I have that extra sense,

you know?

Like, I can smell blood

a mile away.

I knew something

was rotten in Bismarck.

Sheriff says she was in there

for hours before I found her.

Has anyone

told her husband?

Ah, he's down state

on a timber run.

I tried him on the CB,

but no luck.

Who you guys

talking about?

There was a--

an accident up at the school.

Miss Falls,

the cheerleading coach.

It was her, uh,

digger spirit

that finally did her in.

She's dead.

Decapitated.

Heart beatless.

I get it.

That's awful.

How often do these

accidents happen?

Now, what's that

supposed to mean?

A wood shop

is a very dangerous place.

These kind of things

just happen every so often.

It's a part of life.

Look, uh,

what do you say

we cut out of here?

Let's go

for a midnight swim.

I'd say "hell yeah."

I'll get our coats.

No good can

come of you staying here.

You have brought evil

to our town.

The likes of which

we've never seen.

Mark my words

and leave now.

Consider yourselves warned.

All of you.

Hey!

Hey, hey,

hey, hey.

Come on, man.

Jesus.

Guess it's safe to say they

don't like us being here.

No, I don't think

they do.

No, no, no, don't any of you

listen to that crackpot.

He's a drunk.

He's jealous 'cause he wants

to be on TV.

He'll get over it.

You think so?

- Yes.

We just need to get our show

in the can and move on.

Now, wrap it up,

we got an early morning call.

I guess now isn't

a good time to mention

they found Miss Fall's body

at the school?

There was another accident.

You know what,

all this f***ing town has

is screechy old men

with crusty mitts,

and perverts.

Let's get

the hell out of here.

Crazy sh*t, dude.

Man, I've done a lot of shows

where they picketed us,

like Your Town:
Seattle.

They didn't want us there.

But this--this place, man--

you'd think they don't

even want an economy.

I mean, they just want to,

you know, sit around,

and, you know,

eat elk.

And the ex-coach,

he looks like the villain

from the Scooby-Doo cartoons.

Weird.

Honestly,

what I'd like to know

is where the f***

my crew was

when that chalupa

was finding her body

in the wood shop.

Probably asking some

little kid

about the thrill

of victory.

I don't know

how often out here

women using heavy industrial

equipment have accidents.

So I don't know

if that's normal or not.

But in my book, uh,

that's three shades of weird.

Did you hear this?

Blanca Champion has gotten

herself into trouble--

For the last time, I don't know

where the damn

camera stuff is.

It never arrived.

Oh, will you just zip your pie hole?

I can't call the network

and tell them that

$30,000 worth

of equipment is M.I.A.

It is not okay

to talk to me like that.

I did not sign on

for this totally deceptive job

and whatnot.

And why can't you just give the

network the show they ordered?

It's a totally better show.

Because no one wants

to watch a show

about some wittle

hockey team.

They'd much rather

watch a show

about a bloodthirsty convict

out for revenge.

That is why.

Can I ask you something?

- What?

Did you seduce me

because you thought

it would keep me quiet?

Because that was

a total miscalculation.

Well, I think that

you're gonna keep quiet.

You know why?

If you don't,

I will cancel

your plane ticket home.

I will drive you out

into the woods,

and I will

leave you there.

You wouldn't

do that to me.

You can try me.

Now we can continue

to play nice or not.

The choice

is yours, Phoebe.

You're a real coose.

And an awful boss.

As long as these guys

play digger hockey,

and keep focused

on the game,

there's not gonna be

any stopping them.

Look, I only got two hours

before the next game.

I got things to do.

Come on.

Hey, is the, uh--

is the coach mic'd?

I'm having trouble

hearing him.

No, he's not mic'd.

We left his out at the crazy

guy's shack, remember?

Well, we gotta have

this guy mic'd

before the playoff games.

Well then I suggest

you send somebody

out there

to get it.

Okay.

I'm sending you.

- Yeah, I could do that.

Except is there

anybody else here that, uh,

Can wire a P.A. system?

Anybody else here

that can run play-by-play?

It'll take me

about an hour and a half.

So that's a perfect

amount of time

for you to go

do it yourself.

Okay.

Go rig your P.A.

But, hey,

do me a favor?

Um, let's cut out

this whole smug a**hole thing.

'Cause it's really

working my last nerve, okay?

Okay.

Sorry, boss.

Mother f***er.

Nik.

A production assistant

on a show like this, um--

you're basically like

bus boy's assistant.

Well, does this suck ass?

Mm-hmm!

Am I getting paid

nearly enough to do it?

No f***ing way.

Hmm.

Coach?

Hey, um--

I'm really sorry

to bother you,

but, uh, we need to get

that microphone back

from earlier today.

I thought...

you might have

it in there.

Hello?

Don't be a puss.

Look, uh, coach,

I just

really wanted

to apologize,

uh, about earlier today.

Oh, sh*t!

What the f***?

What the f*** is--

Blanca's hitting

on all the cute little boys,

uh, in the school,

and taking them away

from the little

cheerleader girls.

These days,

it doesn't seem

that Erin cares

for Blanca too much.

Uh, I believe

she called her a--

A "cocaine-fueled

gutter slut."

Also, she needs

to stop telling people

that I'm overweight.

I thought someone

had mistakenly told her

that my name was Ella.

Turns out,

she's doing it on purpose.

"Ella" is short

for elephant.

Tonight's student

council screening of Buckets,

starring Blanca Champion,

has been canceled

until further notice.

I need

to talk to you.

Excuse me!

Get your hands

off me, chunk!

I weigh 110 pounds.

That's not fat.

I have tried to be as nice

as I know how.

That's over.

I'm giving you

this warning:

stay away from Vance,

or I'm going to get my cousins

to go to your cabin,

and have them hog tie you

and weigh you.

Capiche?

You know what?

Screw this!

I don't need this bullshit.

This f***ing

method acting crap.

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