Killing Bono Page #4

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Well, OK then.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

And try and write a song

that doesn't have kids

reaching for their dictionaries.

And also, steer clear

of the whole rape area.

It's a bad area.

And... and The McCormick Brothers.

Change your name.

You sound like a f***ing folk act.

Now get out.

Arrange an appointment. We'll come

back and squiggle a contract next time.

Go!

What?!

Well... I did say it would

be easy in London.

That wasn't easy,

that was a big fat piece of easy...

peasy f***ing lemon squeezy cake,

given away free,

with today's Easy Times.

Come here, you beauty!

We just got signed.

- We got signed.

- Yes!

You'll need to know my rules,

of course.

No drugs.

Unless, of course, shared with

the landlord to supplement the rent.

Mmm.

And no outlawed sexual practices.

Unless ditto the above.

- Wow.

- Yeah, cosy.

Perfect for band practise though.

Ah. Budding rock stars.

I might have known.

I've shot a lot of pretty boys like you.

Is that legal in this country?

In between my fashion work.

- Oh, you're a photographer.

- Was. Now I'm just growing old.

Disgracefully.

Pickling myself for posterity.

One party at a time. Oh, if you do

take the place, by the way,

you'll have to get used to

my parties.

Tell me...

...how long have you two

been together?

Well, they've been together

for about four years, now.

- They formed at school, so...

- Not U2, you idiot.

Us two. We...

We've... we've been together

since we were boys, Karl.

- Yeah, that is a long time.

- Yeah, well, obviously. We are...

Ivan? Band meeting. Now.

I want it, it's incredible.

Think what we could do with this place.

There's no furniture.

It's a f***ing factory.

Plus, I think he's weird. Plus, I think

he wants to stick his thing in me.

- Exactly.

- What?

He is looking for

a certain type of tenant.

I can feel a deal here.

All we have to do...

Is what? Is be his rent boy,

and he'll drop the rent? No, Neil.

Seriously, if you do this,

I'm off back to Ireland.

OK, OK, OK, OK.

- I'll tell him. I will tell him.

- OK, do.

Hi, Karl!

Oh, hi, Gloria.

That's Gloria. Lives next door.

- We'll take it.

- Oh.

Boys, boys.

Oh, well, look at you.

Somebody's been raiding

Spandau Ballet's closet, haven't they?

- Gloria?

- Hi, Karl.

Come and meet your neighbours.

- Hello, neighbours.

- Oh, you're American.

How did you guess?

Was it my accent?

Sorry, this is Ivan. Sometimes

he acts like he lives in a field.

Oh, and this is Neil. Sometimes

he acts like a massive nobhead.

Gloria used to be in your game.

- That's the original punk rocker.

- Cool.

- So you boys are in a band?

- Yeah.

Oh, good. I guess that would

explain the costumes.

- These aren't costumes.

- No, we always dress like this.

Hey, Ivan. Why don't you go

and get us some beers?

Yes. Come along, tiger.

Let's get you socially lubricated.

Yeah, go on, tiger.

- Hi, guys. I want you to meet Ivan.

- Hiya, girls. How's it going?

Ivan, never mind the girls.

Meet the boys.

This is Mervin and Joshua and Raphael.

Oh, you've met him before.

Gwen, love.

So, you're a punk?

Am I?

Well, that's what Karl said.

Plus, before,

I saw your... t-shirt.

Not now, before. The Ramones.

Good choice. Good choice.

Sorry. Is that a bit...

...a bit creepy, me remembering that?

A bit too stalker?

- Yep.

- Right.

Right.

- Fancy a toot, love?

- Oh.

Thanks, love.

- That hit the spot?

- Uh-huh.

Gloria.

Don't hog the boy.

He's got to spread himself around.

I'm telling people they're the next U2.

Only better looking.

And gay.

Oh, the gay U2. Has a certain ring

to it. Don't you think, Neil?

It's OK, Karl. He's all yours. I was

just leaving, I have a play to go to.

- Bye.

- Gloria.

I leave you alone for five minutes and

you're snorting drugs at a gay party.

- What would mam say?

- I know.

- Has he got any more, do you think?

- Yeah, yeah.

And we're gonna be in the studio soon.

We're gonna be doing a music video.

Like those big f*** off, snow white

palace in all the snow, like.

Except for we're naked.

Except for we're wearing fur.

And everybody's dancing,

everybody's thinking about

having sex with each other.

But no, wait.

Everybody is actually

having sex with each other.

You, me, everyone in the whole video,

all up in Iceland and stuff.

F***ing hell, look, he's snogging

that bird now. Get off her!

Jesus. Oh, sh*t.

Would you mind if we did it

with the lights off?

I hope that shag was worth it, 'cause

we're late for signing our contract.

Maybe I'm getting heartache. I'm feeling

a bit worried 'cause of the coke.

- I think I'm feeling a bit hyper.

- Will you shut up?

Hello.

Hi, where is Hammond?

- Are you the new runners?

- No.

No, no, we are not the new runners.

We're the McCormick's.

We're Hammond's new act, we're just

here to sign the old contracts.

Hammond's history. Axed.

Kept spunking cash into Kajagoogoo.

I'm the new Hammond.

- What?

- No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What was the last thing he said

before he left?

Let me think.

I'm gonna sue you bastards

right through the arsehole.

Then he sort of broke down.

It was all very uncool.

Yeah, but he did tell you

about our deal?

Yeah, and the fifty grand advance.

Oh yeah, it's ringing bells.

Ding-aling-ling.

But I'd say a hundred's

more realistic.

- A hundred grand?

- Yeah.

- I tell you what.

- What?

You boys will look

f***ing fantastic on camera.

We'll do you a video

to rival Duran Duran.

OK, yeah.

And we'll shoot it on the moon.

What? Really?

No. Not really.

In fact, I'll tell you why you boys

will never be signed to this label.

You look like a pair of mental

fortune tellers from a gypsy fair.

And Hammond liked you.

Therefore, I hate you.

I wouldn't sign you to this label

if you paid me a hundred grand

and let me John Paul Pope your mother.

Don't hit me. Don't hit me.

You do not throw the McCormick's

out with the trash.

Did you hear me?

This means war!

Neil McCormick.

Neil, you're a hard bugger

to track down.

Did you listen to the new U2 album?

Yeah. Yeah... it's OK.

Never gonna knock Thriller

off the top spot though, is it?

Still, you told Mr. Machin

you'd be bigger than them

and you're still a pair of no marks.

Sharon, you're late.

He wants come back on his cash

or he'll cut yous off.

He says you're his biggest

cash haemorrhoid.

Haemorrhage, Plugger.

We're his biggest cash haemorrhage.

But I'm gonna sort it out.

That'll change.

Well, it better.

Don't make me come over there, Neil.

You know I get sick on that ferry.

Yeah, yeah. OK. Love you too.

OK. OK, love you. Bye.

- Who was that?

- Ma. She sends her love.

Take down those rejection letters.

They're not funny.

They're just a bad reminder.

Well, we only got the five today.

Oh, and a postcard

from Bono in Florida.

They just finished 48 shows

across America.

And get this.

They smoked cigars in Vegas...

with Sinatra.

Whereas we took on the music industry.

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