Killing Bono Page #5

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And got kicked up the arse

by everyone in town.

Let me remind you that this is not

a competition with U2.

Good, 'cause if it was we'd be getting

our arses kicked there as well.

Oh, come on.

We're pop, they're rock.

No. They're great and we're shite.

And now we're skint, too.

I'll be surprised if Karl

doesn't evict us.

And no, I'm not selling him my arse.

- We can get more money.

- Where?

Where's all this been coming from?

I told you. The savings.

You said it would be different here.

But all we've really done

is change the scenery,

and traded our band

for a f***ing tape recorder.

Maybe we should just face reality,

and go home.

We can't leave now.

- We've only just started.

- Just started?

We've been standing still.

For months.

Going nowhere.

And that is where

we've been going wrong.

The business needs to see us live.

Instead of us going

to see the wankers,

we get the wankers

to come and see us.

We need to get a band together.

Where are we gonna find a band?

# Save your skin

and you start to believe me

# Lie, lie, lie

then you start to deceive me

# Kill the dreams like you

don't have a reason

# Cry

Hold on. Hold on. Shut up.

Hi, Gloria.

Gloria, this is the new band.

Band, Gloria.

Do you think you can try cranking it

down a few thousand decibels?

It's like flat sharing

with Napalm f***ing Death.

Sorry.

Hey, Gloria. Aren't you supposed

to be on a theatre tour?

Here, I'll help you.

Let me do that. Grand.

My company folded so we're gonna

have to find some new way

to put up with each other without having

to resort to ear plugs. Or murder.

Listen, I'm really sorry, Gloria.

We'll try and turn it down.

You really don't have to leave.

Yes, I do. I have a job interview.

Go on, practice on me. What's

the first thing you want out of a job?

- You're not interviewing me, Neil.

- Oh, come on.

Oh, OK, I don't know...

The usual stuff:

pleasure, satisfaction.

What about a job that combines

pleasure, satisfaction

- and appeals to your love of music?

- Where are you going with this?

I thought if you can't put up

with us, you could join us.

I am not joining your band.

No, but you could be our manager.

Are you f***ing with me?

Because I'm already running late.

No, I just thought that you know,

you know the scene,

and what with all your shite luck

at the theatre and everything,

you know, maybe we could combine

our shite luck,

and together we can make something

a little bit less shite.

That's tempting.

No, seriously,

you need the work, we need help.

We're made for each other.

We'll give you ten per cent.

Ten per cent of nothing is nothing.

Brilliant! See, you can do the maths

and everything.

Plus, you run a theatre,

so you know how to handle people.

Music people are very different.

Just start with the idea

they're all arses

and every so often you will be

pleasantly surprised.

Go on.

So, does the band have a name?

At the moment

we're stuck somewhere

between The Cheese Graters

and Lady Garden.

Wow. You really do need help,

don't you?

Let me think about it, all right?

Couldn't ask for more.

Well, you are the hottest label in town.

Surely you've heard of Shook Up?

You should hear the new stuff

they're coming up with.

OK then, I'll set a lunch.

# I drank all the tea in China

# I walked all the roads to Rome

A bit of this.

# I looked in the maps to find ya

That's pretty...

that's sounding good, actually.

It sounded good but we need

some juice. We need some moves.

# I need you in conversation

# I want you to be my friend

# Our love was a celebration

# Beginning is now at an end

# I'm on my own

# I can't be alone #

Pretty good.

OK, you've gotta stop beating yourself

up after every single gig.

I've been here before.

This is how it works.

Overnight success is a myth.

Is it?

Then how do you explain that?

What?

A million copies of the album sold.

A million.

That's like the population of

a small country jumping up and down

because they think you're great.

- To our ten.

- So, who gives a sh*t?

They're doing their thing.

You're doing yours.

What's your problem?

I stopped Ivan being in the band.

- What band?

- That band.

U2?

Yeah.

Jesus, Neil, how?

Well, we grew up with them back home.

They wanted Ivan.

I sorta hung on to him.

And then I lied to him.

And he still doesn't know.

Wow.

You total a**hole.

It was before they were famous.

I thought we were gonna be

bigger than them.

That's why it's not enough for us

to just be OK.

We have to be... we have to be big.

We have to be really, really big.

So that I can look him in the eye

and I can say

"Are you glad you stuck with me?"

You must love him a lot.

Yeah.

But it's also the guilt.

You know how good

the Irish are at that.

So why'd you give up your band?

My ex took it.

It was kind of like a divorce.

He got the band

and I got my life back.

Mine was the better deal.

You were in a band with your ex?

What was it like, Sonny and Cher?

Ah, more like Sid and Nancy.

And then when he split back

to New York I swore that

I would never get involved

with anyone on the scene again.

Yeah.

But, I've always been a bit crap

with promises.

Do you wanna come in?

What, isn't that one of the perks

of being a rock star,

or don't you wanna have sex with me?

Now, will I be in one of your songs?

After that, you'll be the whole album.

It's kind of hard to find something

that rhymes with Gloria.

Actually, there is already a song

called "Gloria", but...

...but I didn't write it.

Who did?

Bono.

# And when you phone me, baby

# From the other side

# Keep sending home the money

and I'll be all right

# It is the season

for your playing dead

# You give me a reason to get into bed

# I'll put the flowers

where you lay your head

# You be the coward

that's running away

# Before you leave me

# Play dead for me

# If you want to hurt me

# Play dead for me

# Before you leave me

Come in, then.

# If you want to leave me #

It could be a hit.

Yes. Absolutely.

In the right hands.

I could get it to Rod.

Rod Stewart?

- I mean that would be great.

- That would be shite.

You don't like Rod? Hmm?

Rod is huge.

Rod is God.

I like The Faces Rod Stewart.

Not that twat who sings

"Do You Think I'm Sexy?",

and lives in a bollocking mansion

in Beverly Hills.

OK, Neil. You can go tell Rod

to stuff himself.

Meanwhile, we don't have barely

enough change in our pockets

- for the ticket home.

- I'm just trying.

OK, OK. I'm sensing your vibe,

and what I'm getting is

you don't want some heavy-handed

rocker trampling on your artistry.

Barry Manilow?

- Barry f***ing Marshmanilow.

- Manilow shmanilow.

Jesus Christ.

We just turned down Rod Stewart.

- He's a prick.

- I don't care if he's a prick.

He's a rich successful prick

with a decade of hit records

and leggy blondes behind him.

And if that makes him a prick.

Well then, I want to be a prick, too.

Listen, arsehole.

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