Killing Bono Page #6

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Let me tell you something.

- This whole business is run on dirt.

- Hammond!

Dirty deals. Dirty money.

Dirty shitty people.

And you're the shittiest

of the lot of them.

Hammond, what are you doing here?

Do I know you?

Yes, yes. You said we could

be in your harem.

You know, "Beautiful folk in,

ugly lepers out".

- Neil McCormick.

- The McCormick brothers. Remember?

Oh, yeah. The folk act

with the rape song.

- Yeah, yeah!

- Oh, I quite liked that, didn't I?

Yeah, you said you loved it.

All right, look,

meet me downstairs in a minute.

OK. Neil.

F*** off.

What the hell happened? You offered us

a deal and then you buggered off.

Yeah, I don't know.

I had some kind of misunderstanding

with those arseholes there,

but I've formed my own label now, so...

Sort of a free floating,

free-loving, free agent. Yeah?

Are you still doing

that folk rape sh*t?

No, no. These days we're sounding more

like U2 but with a bigger hit potential.

- Did I ever see you play?

- No.

I mean call me old fashioned,

but I don't like to sign anybody

until I've seen them live.

You know, it's so I can really

experience that wow factor.

Second Saturday in July.

It's gonna be amazing.

Probably one of the best gigs

you've ever seen in your entire life.

- So, that's...

- What?

Wow, OK.

That's amazing. Here's my card.

- I'll see you there.

- Yeah.

- I'm so pleased.

- OK, hugs. Good.

Great, great, great, great.

F***ing great.

Did I just have an acid flashback?

No. No, that actually happened.

Look. Look.

Hang on though. Hang on.

We don't have a pot to piss in

and you just promised

Mr. Definitely Maybe

the most stupendous gig in history.

Don't you worry your curly

little melon about it.

You worry about the music.

And I will take care of... that.

Good afternoon, ladies

and gentlemen and welcome to Dublin.

All in-bound passengers wishing

to travel to the city centre

please follow the signs

at the pick-up point...

Bono and the lads

are doing great, you know?

Are they? Really? Sure, you don't

hear anything about them in London.

It's like another country over there.

I hope you've come with good news

for Mr. Machin.

I vouched for you so it's my balls

on the block too, you know?

Stop your messing.

Jesus! Is that a gun?

Why've you got a gun?

I wouldn't be much good at me job

without one, would I?

- All right, girls?

- How are you?

He's the next big U2.

Neil McCormick.

He's a rock star, and all.

Your mate Bono's off

conquering the world

and you can't even conquer

your own f***ing haircut.

Just tease it out a bit, love.

So, what have you got to show

for me money?

Well, we've got

this label guy, Hammond,

and he really, really

wants to sign us,

but he says he needs to see us

play live first,

so we need a bit more cash

so we can play that gig,

and then he'll come through

with a deal and that.

What happened to my ten thousand?

Well, there...

there's been a lot of admin.

Ten grand

on bloody envelopes?

Don't come the monkey with me, son.

You're standing there cap in hand and

you're already into me up to your tits.

You've got to spend money

to make money.

And didn't you just rob some place?

Sorry, Mr. Machin. I...

I can't help what the papers say.

Scurrilous bastards.

They'd pin every crime and calamity

from here to Cork on me if they could.

I just hope my poor old mam's

not reading this shite.

I'm a household name.

Like Marigold.

Like Hoover.

While you've been falling on your arse

trying to get famous,

I got more famous

than the pair of yous.

So I've an image problem,

a cash flow problem, and you.

What if I called in the debt?

- Well, I can't pay, so...

- So what?

So I suppose you would

have to kill me.

For Christ's sake, Neil, I'm not

an Italian. I'm not going to kill ya.

Yet.

I need to see your return

and you're no use to me dead.

I'll pay for your gig.

But on one condition.

I am not playing any Van Morrison.

I'm coming over to see yous.

I could do with a change

of surroundings.

And I expect V-I-f***ing P.

Oh sh*t, that's grand.

- Hey, guys. Check this out.

- Wicked.

- That is handsome.

- You look like a girl.

I have got us a gig

at the best venue in town.

Neil.

Come on, mate.

Who's paying for all this?

Now, I know you went to Dublin,

you sneaky git.

I saw the tickets.

Just please tell me Dad

didn't bail us out.

It was Bono.

Really?

Who else do we know with any money?

Hey, aren't they incredible?

Yeah.

We're gonna give Hammond something

that is undeniable, man.

Hang on a sec, is that Bob Geldof?

- What?

- Turn that up there, Doug.

Among acts confirmed for

the Live Aid benefit at Wembley Stadium

are The Who, Queen, David Bowie,

Elton John, Sting and U2.

When is this?

The concert, on the thirteenth of July,

is expected to be watched

by a global television audience

of over two billion people.

Rock stars, Bob Geldof...

That's the same date you chose

for our gig.

I'll tell you what's undeniable.

That you are a cock!

You're a stupid, arsehole,

tosspot, bollock.

- Easy.

- Hey, wait.

- Don't you know Bob Geldof?

- He's from Ireland.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Bob Geldof,

he's from Ireland, yeah.

I'll just give Bob a call.

Hey, Bob, you know your thing

with the big f*** off stars and

the billions of people and that?

For the starving kids in Africa?

Well, we've got a bit of a clash

with our gig in Camden and wondering

if you could push yours back a week.

Major cock up, Neil.

- How is this my fault?

- It always bloody is.

You're a genius at making

shite decisions.

You booked a gig on the same day the

Pope was doing his greatest hits tour.

You booked another gig on the same

day as the biggest gig in history.

You turned down Bono's help

for us to get a record deal.

And you turned down the chance

to sell our songs to Rod Stewart.

OK, boys. Let's just calm down.

We'll just change the date.

Direct from London, a group

whose heart is in Dublin, Ireland.

Whose spirit is with the world.

A group that's never had any problem

saying how they feel. U2.

Look at the size of that crowd.

We're an Irish band.

We come from Dublin city, Ireland.

Like all cities, it has its good.

And it has its bad.

This is a song called Bad.

We've got our own gig

to rehearse for, yeah?

Come on.

One, two. One, two, three.

# Oh

# Oh, oh, oh

# Whoa, oh, oh

# Sun is shining on the sea today

# You're living your life the easy way

# You've left behind

# The world again

# So be a tourist

Hear the call

# Now you've been saving your money

You can spend it all

# And you come away

# With me today

# Free from all

you're meant to be

# Come on, baby

Jump right in

# 'Cause tonight

# We can be right here

where we wanna be

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh

# Come away

# Come away

# Get away

Come on, boys!

# Save yourself

# Free from all

you're supposed to be

# Come on, baby,

feel the breeze

# 'Cause today

So, Mr. Hammond.

What did you think?

I think I like your style.

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