Killing Bono Page #7

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Good mix of stadium rock,

balladeering,

- electric, Celtic...

- Cosmic.

Orgasmic.

We stand among stars

in the ascendant. Hmm.

I haven't been that excited

since I first saw Sting.

This is my wife, Danielle.

Big fan of The Police,

aren't you, love?

Nice boys.

Why don't you go and get yourself

another f***ing drink, darling?

Now, we were trying to work out

who else you remind us of.

U2.

That's it.

Oh, sorry. Who are you?

Their priest.

How'd you do, Mr. Hammond, is it?

Yes, that's right.

Yeah, yeah... yeah.

So... what are you doing...

What the f*** is he doing here?

Well, it's just friendly support

from back home, isn't it?

- From Danny f***ing Machin?

- Martin.

Father Martin, from the local parish.

Come to bless the gig.

Oh. Isn't that charming?

Well, it's nice to have God

in our corner.

Use all the support we can get

in this f***ing, shitty business.

So, did you bring a contract?

'Cause...

...I brought a pen.

- Now, then.

Danielle, are we going to sign

this young band to our new label?

I thought they were really great.

They're a big hit with the girls.

Apparently.

You don't want to be the poor chap

who reads about these boys

in Rolling Stone next week, do you?

Wishing that he could make this

slippery little bugger of a decision

all over again.

Surely you've seen enough

to make up your mind?

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

But I don't invest lightly.

I mean, are these boys going to

set the world on fire? I don't know.

Can you explain

Frankie Goes to Hollywood?

I can't.

I don't even like music.

What?

Mr. Hammond, could I have

a word with you in private?

Would you mind?

If it's not too much of an imposition.

There are only two reasons

I can think of

for two gentlemen to share

a toilet cubicle.

Well, it's not the first one.

Good.

Thank God for that.

That's what I love about

the Catholic church.

You really know how

to enjoy yourselves.

Shall we use your gear, or mine?

Neither. I've sinned enough.

I want to see my boys succeed.

Am I being given the hard sell

by their priest?

No. You're getting it

from Danny Machin.

Who the f***'s Danny Machin?

Who the f*** is Danny Machin?

- Yeah.

- I'll tell you who Danny Machin is.

He's the answer to your prayers.

He's the boy can make

your dreams come true.

Now, it can be the best wet dream

you ever had.

Or your worst f***ing nightmare.

I can rip your head off

and sh*t down your throat.

It's up to you.

Welcome to the label.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Now, I want postcards from every gig.

With all the lurid details.

- No problem.

- Thanks for everything, Karl.

And don't worry, we'll get you

VIP passes when we play Wembley.

- Access all areas.

- Ah!

I'll make you sorry you ever said that.

Now, boys. A word to the wise

from an old man before you go.

Remember only this.

The measure of a man is what's left

when fame falls away.

Hmm?

Oh, and another thing.

Get as much sex as you can.

There's no problem there at all, Karl.

- Love you.

- Thanks, Karl.

Take care.

- Oh, I'll just get that.

- Leave it, man.

It might be mam.

Yeah.

You can run but you can't hide,

McCormick.

Bono!

I've been looking out for you

on Top of the Pops.

Yeah, well, apparently

they've this Irish quota.

It's one out, one in. And seeing as U2

are on telly every night,

I'll have to kill you to get my turn.

Kill Bono?

I know a few people

that would wear that t-shirt.

I'm already wearing that t-shirt.

Where are you, anyway?

Washington D.C.

Laid up in a hotel room

with my arm in a sling

and a medicinal bottle of bourbon.

Yeah, let me guess.

The fame went to your head

and you thought you could fly.

Got it in one.

Right off stage.

Popped my arm out of its socket.

So, now you need me to come

and take over as front man for U2?

Well, OK. Seeing as it's you.

Not exactly.

But I was gonna ask if you'd

open for us in Dublin?

Get to f***, you gobshite.

You mean support U2?

Well, we're doing Croke Park

at the end of June, and I thought,

you know, when we tour we like to

support local bands, you know?

Well, so... so technically you would be

supporting us then?

McCormick.

Look, we'd be supporting each other.

Like the old days.

Yeah, listen, Bono.

We are just playing our own tour

at the moment.

Just a few UK dates and Europe.

We got ourselves signed too,

you know?

Hey, congratulations, man.

I never doubted you for a minute.

Thanks.

I mean...

Call me crazy, but...

Since it's been a bit of a bastard

getting here...

I just think we'd rather play

to five hundred of our own fans

than fifty thousand of yours,

you know?

Well, so that's a no?

Yeah.

Look, I've got to go, Neil.

Talk to you later.

Oh, nice of you to join.

Who was that, then?

Uh... Mam. She wishes us luck.

Check out the bus!

Jesus.

# The city it wakes for me

# I'm alone

# I brought my six string company

# The night is cold

# And so is the living space

# It's hard to know

# The reason for our great race

# If you had a choice

# Of a better way

would you take it?

# If you had a choice of a better way

S/H/O/O/K U/P.

Shook Up.

No, not shut up.

This f***ing accent.

You must be Will Hammond?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Gary Hagan. Hot Press.

Oh, hi, Gary. Thanks for flying in

at such short notice. Cool, cool.

Oh no, are you kidding? I was born

to break this story, you know?

- Excuse me, darling.

- The McCormick's and me go way back.

And what with the U2 connection...

Yeah, this story should make

a great splash.

What U2 connection?

Gary.

Hey, now I know we've made it.

- Hot Press are in the building.

- Whoo!

I wouldn't have missed this

for the world, Neil.

You're part of a great f***ing story.

Yeah, thanks.

What do you mean "part of"?

Well, you know, two bands

umbilically tied.

One in orbit. One still...

...grinding it out.

- Just drop it.

Do you have to shoehorn U2

into every piece you write?

Just 'cause we're from the same

bloody country. Right, come on, boys.

We've got a gig to play.

I'll give you some quotes after.

But I am not talking about U2.

Ivan, what about you?

Will you talk about U2?

Look, Neil's right. We grew up

with them, what's to talk about?

Oh, I don't know. Just the fact that you

could have been the fifth member.

No, that's bollocks. It was just some

arseing around in Larry's kitchen.

That's not all though, is it?

I've just been on tour with them.

Bono said he wanted you in the band.

- What, Bono said that?

- Yeah.

But Neil told him no.

You wanted to stick with family.

Shook Up, Shook Up.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Whoo!

Neil said that?

Drink it in, bro. Drink it in.

F*** you, Neil!

- Get off me!

- Fight, fight, fight!

I'm gonna f***in' kill him.

Get off me!

- What the cock is going on?

- Get off!

Betrayed by my own brother.

We have spent years living in

a warehouse, eating beans from a can.

Whereas I could have been in orbit

with the best band in the world.

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