Kin-dza-dza! Page #6

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and we'll be spitting on them.

Why?

For fun!

Where's the fun in that?

You're too young to know...

Half the planet's yours, half ours. Okay?

Tempting, of course...

But we need the Earth, guys.

We have to hurry. The supermarket closes

in half an hour.

Vovka, you don't ...

Just look.

We're here.

And there's the Earth.

And here's Alpha.

They make cactuses from us on Alpha.

Earth's in the anti-tenture, my friend.

And there's no way that we can reach it,

understand?

How's that so?

Just is. All my life I never went.

It's not possible for a pepelats to get to Earth.

Enough of this bollocks!

Is it clear?

Let's divide the planet up.

You found this out in the planetarium?

Yes, my friend.

...therefore you stole a match?

Of course.

They're lying, Uncle Vova.

Don't believe them.

Now, take us to the Earth, that's all!

No, Gedevan, they're not lying.

They'd crawl across the whole universe

for these matches...

Vovka! You shouldn't joke like that...

The oxygen here is two percent of normal.

Gedevan... You don't need this.

You're young, you live a long time.

Maybe things will change...

We don't need Skripach, Uncle Vova.

Hey, Patsak!

I don't give a sh*t what you discard.

Tell the truth for once in your life.

Why didn't you go with that idiot

when you could?

What did you want?

Crimson Trousers? PJ's bathhouse?

Tell me!

Gedevan, you tell him.

Or I can.

I have a Georgian mother. Had.

She says she is a local Georgian. Was.

Uef! How would you like it

if I took them to Alpha.

And you, scabby Chatlanian, wear the tsak!

And sit down when you speak to a Patsak!

Hanut is the Patsak planet, my friend.

Repeat it again.

You eject us on Alpha, and try to brake

in its orbit, and then...

You won't be able to brake there.

Don't interrupt...

Go on, my friend.

On Alpha, when they transfer us to the Earth,

we need to keep our fingers

on the transference machine

so that it stays with us.

On Earth we can buy you

four boxes of matches.

Go on, friend.

Well I could keep going on about

this and that.

Let's go.

If we can...

Because of you I'll be locked up

in a tub forever.

And you have shown your laziness,

once more.

Brothers! Dear, good, friend of mine...

So fly, even if the door is closed.

I can't stand looking at you any more,

it makes me sick.

Farewell, my friend.

let's go.

Brake! Brake! Brake!

How can I brake when you drank

all the brake fluid?

Alcoholic!

It's ruined.

Switch off your antlers!

They won't switch off.

Then take them off.

They're broken.

It seems to have landed.

Put on your gas mask.

Just like last time.

And the tsak?

No, we can do without it.

Earth!

On the river, on the river,

on those banks...

No...not the Earth.

Hello!

We're Patsaks from the planet Earth.

And you are...?

This is the planet Alpha.

Report your co-ordinates to the Decon,

and she will transfer you

to your point of departure.

Good luck!

The number of your planet,

if you'd be so good.

013 in the tenture.

Here it is...

Somewhere here straight ahead.

There.

To the left of the Great Bear.

That's not necessary.

If you would, hold hands.

Woman, what are you going to do with these?

Into the small room of the hothouse.

Please.

You...

Hold hands!

Do you really turn people into cactii?

Only out of Plukanians.

Oh, but they're not Plukanians.

They're Hanutians.

That is irrelevant. Please put on

the breathing masks.

Why, your air is really nice.

That is precisely why.

God, just look at her.

Ok, Gedevan. Calm down. Put it on.

In the name of the planet,

I'm asking you to let them go.

Who decides their fate?

Abrodox. But...

Take us to him.

Otherwise I'll take off my mask

and start breathing.

You shouldn't worry.

Our orangeries are very comfortable.

Blossoming micro-climate, serenety.

One could be jealous of it.

Then why are you running around

on the grass,

and not inside in a pot?

Please look where you are going,

you've already squashed three plants.

Friend!

We have a big favour to ask you.

You can't continue. No.

Our misfortune is here

in the neighbourhood

of the galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza.

They are consumed with fury.

...and depravity.

To continue their lives

in the form of plants

would be a blessing for them.

And everyone else.

Can we send for them

and ask them what would be

a blessing for them and what not?

Well if we were to give them

the possibility to make

that decision, then...

Young lady, are you

the most intelligent one here?

Do you do as your told,

or what you decide yourself?

We can't waste time with this.

You are creatures of the anti-tenture,

and I must send you to your

point of departure.

Or return you in time, to the moment

when you made your fateful decision.

Choose.

Excuse me. I don't understand. To what time?

The past...to Pluke.

So it's like this... Alone on Earth.

Or together in the past?

Vladimir Nikolaevich,

I won't allow you on Pluke alone.

Listen, uncle, set it for the past.

What did it take, 15 minutes

to glue the violin?

15 minutes.

Brother Patsak is coming with the sock.

Let him transfer the etsik for us.

Do you know where it is?

I know.

Go on then, show us.

Let's give them something else to do.

Everyone rest for half an hour!

Thank you, my friend.

Play, play, peasants.

Skripach! Time!

Once again you haven't transfered, Bastards.

Again. Get out.

Bollocks. It's better for us here than on Alpha.

Come on, drag them out.

Quickly, bring us the transfer machine.

Vladimir Nikoleavich! You owe us

eleven thousand boxes,

as Skripach has noted.

Eleven thousand and twenty.

I have a suggestion. Vova! We'll transfer

with you to the Supermarket now,

and after you've bought them all...

There won't be any 'after'.

We can only go to the Earth.

Forever?

Forever.

Me on a planet where they don't even know

who should squat in front of whom?

Take the gravitsapa and do what you want.

Uncle Uef. Uncle Bee. You'll meet so much there...

No, Gedevan! When a society has

no coloured trousers to differentiate class,

then there is no goal. And if there is no goal...

Brothers. Enough philosophising.

He's already made his choice.

Now, decide.

With us or not?

Here's the gravitsapa, ok?

Give it to him.

No point.

Well, let's say goodbye...

I got used to you, you know.

Me too.

Well, take care.

Friends, Patsaks!

Here's your sock, thank you. If you want...

Friend! Which is your system?

Let me have a look.

An ordinary system.

Press the button and go home.

Hi

Hi - what's new?

Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory.

How's the star schoolboy?

He's out playing...

Vovka, pop out for some bread - I forgot it, can you?

Have we enough macaroni?

Comrade...

How do I get to the Old Arbat?

That way, to the right.

Thank you.

...Skripach?

Uncle Vova?

...Skripach!

Uncle Vova!

Mama, mama, what shall I do?

The End

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