Kin-dza-dza! Page #5

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Tell them to fetch Alec.

No, I won't. Piss off you bloody theif.

Is something wrong?

It's alright, only the Earth is so far way.

Instead of five, the gravitsapa needs

seven minutes to warm up.

So let's go and get the tsapa ready

for the gravitsapa.

Astronauts! Which is the tsapa here?

This rusty nail, my friend.

Yeah! Everything here's rusty!

And that's the most rusty.

Are you quite crazy?

Oh, mama-mama.

Lucy and Manohin moved, and we need...

Uncle Vova!

The match is in his cap!

Strange, that they should fly off now.

Why strange? They've got a match,

can buy a gravitsapa,

and know the Tenture of the Earth!

Comrade Etsilop! Comrade Etsilop!

They've stolen our things!

Arrest them!

Arrest them!

Forty Chatls.

We've no chatls.

Everything is with the tour guide.

And the violin they took is somebody else's.

And when they were

in front of the video of PJ,

They didn't say Koo!

Why are you staring at me?

Why are you staring at me?

If your bosses find out that you knew

of this and did nothing,

You'll be bloody trankluted! Get it?

I didn't do nothing!

I pressed the button straight away!

Skripach is a witness.

All guards!

Bring a wheeled prison tub, here

There's nothing in it.

Open it.

Show me.

It's vinegar.

It's none of your business.

The Patsak will be tranklukated,

The Chatlanian will spend his life

in a tub lying on nails.

Oh, brothers, brothers. Fellow Patsaks.

Tell the truth, how I squatted.

How the Chatlanian pressed the take off button.

Shut the f*** up!

Uncle Vova, please...

Shut up! Parasite!

Shut up yourself!

Vova, friend! Gedevan Alexanich!

Don't listen to him!

Tell them that it was him!

He didn't squat!

No...

And I'll give the pepelats to you.

Uncle Vova! The pepelats is mine! Mine!

Quiet! Calm down!

...Let me think.

Nobody insulted anyone...

They all squatted, like monkeys.

I was confused.

And I brought the Ktse.

What Ktse?

The match, which you took out...

from the hat.

There wasn't a match. There wasn't.

Uncle Vova, what's the matter with you?

Forgive me, I forgot. There was no match.

Never.

Life imprisonment for both

in a tub without nails.

As to the fine.

500 chatls, 250 per place.

Thank you!

Patsak! Glue the violin

and sing the song!

Skripach! You work the bandura!

Friends! We were joking about the violin.

We were happy to reach you!

Hi!

On the river, on the river, on yonder bank..

Earthman, hello!

I can assure you,

we will return to your planet.

Greetings from

Vladimir Nikolaevich Mashkov,

builder from Moscow,

and Gedevan Alexidse from Batumi,

who are the first to set foot

on these villainous sands

established in this backyard.

Brother Patsak, flip again your cover.

You have some water there.

Well give me something for it.

Maybe sometime I can show you

one of those who knew me and is still living.

Ask him if I stole a match...

There! Looks like new!

There's still a little bit.

It happens...It will be...

High calorie?

Earthmen! How could it be so difficult?

I could hardly find you.

I got my memory back.

Here's your sock, thank you.

If you want, I can return you to the Earth.

I found out your number in the tenture.

Only hurry! For one second here

is half a year there.

Then I have a suggestion...

We transport to the Earth now,

Procure some matches,

Shoot back here and sell them,

Bail out our friends,

We go to Moscow, and you go home.

I can't. I've only three charges.

Well that's okay.

Enough times to go there

back here and home again.

And me?

Listen, friend...

Well work it out, yes or no,

I'll count to three... One... Two...

Wait a minute. Take my suggestion.

It's my fault they are in prison.

And my little son has already grown

an adult's beard!

Two and a half!

Two and a half!

I..I can't do it.

Three.

Oh! Who needs it all?

Tsak-schmak! It's all crap! And we...

Where did you get that from? Eh?

It was laying on a shelf in the planetarium...

Skripach! You kleptomaniac!

You brought us a gravitsapa!

Patsaks! Patsaks!

Why are you standing performing here?

You have to stand there.

The Etsilops won't allow us.

You can only kneel here.

So what if we're here...

You've still got to pay us.

Alright, come on...

Come on, obey the rules.

Uncle Vova, your jacket is coming,

and my hat.

Hi!

How are things?

Anything new happened...on Pluke?

Sing!

We seem to be out of voice today.

Sing!

Vladimir Nikolaevich,

I can't do any more...

Don't worry, Skripach.

How much is that?

One hundred.

Seems like we've sung enough.

And what's that there?

Fifty.

Etsilpo!...

Patsaks!

Why aren't you wearing muzzles?

Turn round!

Orders of Mr PJ - all Patsaks

to wear muzzles...

and be glad.

So, that's for me and that's for you.

And that's for you.

Why aren't you glad? I demand to know.

Pick up your own gun, Chatlanian.

Put them on, then...

I'm doing it...

I'm glad. Ho ho.

Oh look, PJ's coming!

Where?...

Get up!

Get up!

Open your mouth!

Wider!

Skripach, gag!

Quickly!

Turn round!

Nose!

Give me the money!

Okay...Make sure they stay there,

like so...

And you can get rid of these!

If you think, that this idiot won't

tranklucate you,

it'll be the last though

in your Chatlanian head!

Use the shortest route... through

the atrium...arch!

Everyone lay down for half an hour!

Forwards!

Forwards!

Quickly!

Excuse me Grandma...

Mama PJ

Did you see it?

Yes.

Everyone quickly now...in the pool!

Open the door.

And stay there for 24 hours!

Do you Koo or not?

Here...

What number?

The last one.

Hello...

Hey, Chatlanian! Sing!

Finish, Skripach...

Wheel out the last but one.

Vanish!

Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.

Bastard!

Get out.

I can't.

They'll catch us.

Stop!

We have a gravitsapa.

Cut it.

Right here.

Throw your weight on it!

Uncle Vova! Help me roll the tub out!

Leave it!

Vladimir Nikolaevich!

Because of one stone from the moon

mankind wasted a thousand years,

and here's a living alien, and etsik...

made of an unknown metal.

Leave it, I said!

Tsapa.

We have a tsapa.

Operate the tsapa!

It's working!

So are we flying?

Seems like it.

Brothers! Be quick! They're after us now!

Don't interfere.

She's landed.

Where?

Hanut.

And what's Hanut?

The planet I was born on.

And me.

Night.

It's always night here, now.

Time to put this on.

Why?

There's no bloody air.

So how do you live here?

Nobody's lived here for years.

The Pluke's trankluked it

while we were on an expedition.

Why?

Because we didn't have time

to do them first.

And why would you want to do them?

So that they weren't hanging over our heads.

And everybody perished?

Of course.

Vovka, I've a suggestion.

The planet Hanut is only worth kopeks now.

63 chatls.

We go and sing 'Mama' around the galaxy

for a month,

then the planet is ours.

And another month - we can buy air.

93 chatls.

There will be no air for anybody

who comes here...

The air will be ours.

They'll be crawling around,

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