Kingdom of Us Page #6

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- I know.

And we don't realize.

He's not been upset

in every video. Some videos he's happy.

- Poppet, you wouldn't be expected to know.

- But I was nine.

- How would you know?

- How are you to know at nine?

I barely knew and I was 13.

Now when I'm watching it,

I just wanna go and hug him.

You've got to remember that

there's no way

we could have made him happy.

He was going to be upset

no matter what we did.

Yeah, but at least

he would have known that we cared.

Yeah, well, we did care.

We just didn't know.

What, Daddy?

What is it, Daddy?

He's happy.

What, Daddy?

What is it, Daddy?

- What is it?

- Yes, what, Daddy?

What is it?

What's the matter?

What is it, Daddy?

Go! Go, go, go, go.

Dad definitely

cared what people thought

about how happy he was all the time.

How he was feeling inside,

he masked extremely well.

But only to people outside the family.

He didn't want to believe that

there was anything wrong with him.

Even though I think he knew.

How... how can you not?

He was too proud.

The sun will shine

'Cause he thought he was perfect.

Or he wanted to be perfect.

I think that's why he struggled.

He would never have got help.

My mum tried for years.

But Mum's the same.

Mum's exactly the same.

She... is amazing at covering up

the way she genuinely feels.

Oz! Pippa! You up?

Pippi?

Come on.

Pips?

Morning.

Don't.

You've had lots of days, darling.

- Mum.

- Come on, sweetheart, good girl.

Mum, you said that

if I had bad days that you'd let me...

No, Pippa,

you've had so many days off school.

I'm sorry, it's gone too far, sweetheart.

- No, you don't understand.

- Take your tablets, please.

- Mum...

- Just a little bit.

Pippi, come on, you know this can't go on.

Mummy, I really can't, Mum.

- Little ones, come on.

- I can't, Mum. I can't. I really can't.

- Mum, I really can't.

- Pip, so when are you going to eat?

Pippa, come on, poppet.

Mum, stop saying things

over and over. Mum, it doesn't help.

Go and get your bag

'cause the bus will be here any second.

I said I would give you two days,

and then you promised you would eat.

Pippi, it's five days.

Pippa?

Mum,

I'm not doing it for attention.

It's not just as simple as

just eat breakfast,

just a few mouthfuls.

- Come on.

- Okay, see you later, guys.

- Come on, sweetheart. Come on.

- Bye, Oz.

Mum, I don't want to go...

It's okay. Come on, I love you.

Will you please

not ring the doctor's?

Okay, I won't ring the doctor.

I love you, sweetheart. Bye.

This is not about

an eating disorder.

There's something much more problematic

and deep-rooted with Pippa.

It's taken seven years since Paul died

to not be able to understand it.

And the doctors don't understand it.

And I can't work it out.

Is it something

that someone else can uncover?

Or does it need for Pippa to get

to the point where she can...

do her own self-discovery...

and find out for herself

what the real issue is?

When I was nine,

I said to my mum...

"Mum, I don't feel well.

I just don't feel myself."

I miss being me.

Like, I just know that this isn't me.

I don't know.

It's really hard to describe.

- F***ing hell.

- What?

Oh, my goodness, Mum.

- How do you live in here?

- I don't know.

- It makes me want to cry.

- I know.

It's got worse.

You're a hoarder.

Yeah, I don't know if I agree with that.

Mum, look at your bed.

Yeah, well, it's because I knit in bed

and so I keep all my wool handy and...

- That was a few days ago.

- Just keeping it handy?

- A Minnie Mouse dog outfit?

- That's for Darcy.

I'm making that for Jo.

A handbag? Just in case you need to

go somewhere in the night, Mum?

No, I used it to go out

and haven't put it back.

- Do you have one in here?

- No.

- I'll go and get a hairbrush.

- Well, even if you did...

- I'll go and get my...

- ...there'd be no way of finding it.

I'm not proud of myself and I'm not happy.

- So change it.

- Yeah.

Hey, Oz, look.

"Just a little kindness

is all this sad world needs."

Oh.

- Kacie?

- Yes?

Is this what we used for the confetti

for Daddy's funeral?

Do you want to keep that, Mum?

Look, there's a little...

How cute were we, Mum?

Look how lovely that is.

It's a bunny rabbit.

- I don't know what that is. A gnome?

- A little Santa or a gnome?

It's okay, Mum.

I'll put that somewhere safe.

- It was a nice idea, though, wasn't it?

- It was.

I'm glad I did that.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Why are you sorry, Mum?

Mum, this is all good.

This is a nice thing.

How lovely.

I'm gonna take this away now, okay?

- Sorry.

- It's okay, Mum.

Thank you.

I think it's quite suited me, in a way,

not to have to face my own emotions.

Now that the kids are growing up, I'm...

I'm starting to have enough brain space

to start thinking about how I feel.

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Right.

I wanted them to have a proper childhood,

a happy one.

I just wish

I could have protected them more

from a lot of the things

that they were subjected to.

In RE today, it ended up being,

like, a giant discussion.

What did you talk about today?

Uh, evidence of the afterlife.

My idea of reincarnation is that we die...

we finish any unfinished business.

We can stay

and haunt our family for a bit.

And as soon as you're done, you don't go

to heaven 'cause that's a waste of time.

That's just lounging about in a cloud.

You go and you're just...

you're born again.

Here it is.

When my dad passed away...

my mum found

all of these coping strategies.

There was one

where we wrote a note to our dad.

"To Dad. I have missed you.

We love you and I still don't know

why you killed yourself.

I cry every night

and I'd kill myself just to see you.

I really miss you.

I don't know. Love from Pippa."

I think my dad,

he had a split personality.

On one side, he loved us,

and he didn't want any harm to come to us.

In fact, he protected us almost too much.

On the other side,

he was trapped in his own mind.

I think that's how he felt.

And he had a plan

that he would kill us all.

And I just think...

in his right mind, the mind that loved us,

he thought, "I don't wanna do that

to my family. I love my family."

So, to protect us, he killed himself.

So that he didn't kill us.

And I don't really care whether

people think that that's true or not,

or whether that's stupid.

It just, um...

It puts my mind at ease.

- Hello.

- Last day.

Pip, you know this is gonna be you

in two years' time?

Yeah.

- Are you gonna miss it?

- No.

Not even, like, a tiny bit?

Maybe, like, a tiny, tiny bit.

And, like, I'll be going to a job

that I probably want to do

and I'll be getting paid for it.

You've got to go to college first.

Yeah, but I'll have a job. And at college,

I'll be doing what I want to do.

How do you know you'll have a job?

The economy is not doing very well.

Oh, I can't believe it's your last day.

Give me a hug.

It might be all right for you,

but I'm really struggling.

Mum, it's always gonna be sad

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