Kingdom of Us Page #8

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that you're leaving behind.

Your family, your friends,

upcoming events.

Silly things like that.

But then if you don't do it,

you'll have to wake up another day.

You'll have to face all of these things

another day.

And it counteracts and you just think,

"It's not worth it. I can't do it."

I think that's how my dad felt,

most likely.

I do worry that I have...

I'm similar to my dad.

It's not so much a worry

that he was a bad person,

it's just, you know,

the monsters inside his head...

that I'm afraid are going to be

passed down onto me and I'm...

That's a very scary thought...

because they're scary monsters.

Could somebody get me

some toilet roll?

What about putting this on?

Nikita is having a Halloween party thing

with all of her college friends.

Osborn!

Mum, is this a good party?

- It's a brilliant party!

- Okay.

It's fantastic.

- A room full of people having fun?

- Chaos.

Nik, why did people think

you were a b*tch?

Yeah, at the beginning of last year,

people thought I was a b*tch

and really stuck up and stuff.

I don't know what people think about me.

I have literally no idea.

- I think it's 'cause I'm posh, as well.

- Trust me.

- Shall I say what everyone thinks?

- No.

They think you're hot

and that you're really cool.

Oh, cool.

- Do you think he's hot? Aw.

- Yeah. He is hot.

How come you didn't invite

any of your friends?

'Cause I don't have any friends.

- It's fine.

- Are you serious?

Yeah.

But I'm your friend, and I came.

Yeah, but I didn't invite you. So...

Awkward. Okay.

Okay.

- Jamie, run!

- Jamie, why aren't you running? Come on!

Welcome on a chilly evening

to Coventry Cathedral.

It's really exciting that we're the venue

for the first ever

Coventry Charity talent competition.

Guys, before we do it,

I'm really happy

I'm performing with you guys.

This is, like, a dream come true.

I know there's pain

Why do lock yourselves up

In these chains?

Just open your heart and your mind

Is it really fair to feel...

Watching Nikita

in the show last night...

I suddenly looked at her in a way

I've never looked at her before.

And then looked at all the children.

And all of them are all half me.

And the next thought was,

"Well, they're half Paul."

I don't know

how I feel about Paul anymore.

He left me with a situation,

and I've done the best I can, but...

I don't know, I almost feel no emotion.

But, kind of, last night, I thought...

You know, actually,

he couldn't have left me with any...

any greater gift than the children.

And without him, I wouldn't have them.

And without them, I don't know who I'd be.

We have to think of a word

that could be...

- That we could use for the future.

- Soon?

All right.

How about, "One day the open

bleeding wound he left us with

will soon be a faded scar."

Or, "One day the bleeding...

the open bleeding wound..."

- "The open dripping wound..."

- No!

- "One day the... massacre."

- Guys, you cannot write lyrics.

I think we should throw in the wanting him

to see how far we've come.

Like, that we've achieved the dreams.

We're not there yet.

'Cause this is what we're hoping

to achieve in the future.

Mum!

Do you want me?

Happy Mother's Day!

Oh, my babies. Aw.

- Thank you. Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.

That's all right.

- She took it out of the flower pot.

- I don't care.

She took it out of the pot.

I'm so sorry.

- I had nothing to do with this.

- Thank you, Osborn.

Is that from you?

I didn't think she was gonna cry.

I'm sorry, Mummy.

I only put seven pounds in.

Thank you for all being

the most wonderful children on the planet.

Today's lesson

is all about repairing glass doors.

How did you find out

you were autistic? Just quickly.

You told me. I was about four-five.

I just remember,

it's just always been a part of our lives.

People think that

people with autism lack in empathy.

But I think it's, sometimes,

actually the complete opposite.

And that they have so much empathy

that they don't know how to deal with it.

Do you want us to cry?

Oh, hello. I just spoke to someone

regarding some evidence.

It was my husband's suicide note

that was held by the police,

that I've never had access

to the original.

'Cause there's a PTO on one of the pages

that we've never actually been

able to see.

Okay.

It's annoying, isn't it?

You try and do something,

and you just come against a brick wall.

I think that whenever you move,

it's obviously, like...

I've not experienced it before.

But you gotta be, like,

"Right, what do I want to take with me

and what do I not really mind

so much letting go of."

"Three months and two weeks ago,

my dad committed suicide,

and it's left my whole family heartbroken.

The day before he died, I said,

'Life couldn't get any worse.'

How wrong I was.

Sometimes I wonder why life is so complex.

We all ask questions and we come

no closer to the answers we want,

and, more importantly, need."

Jamie, what were you saying to me

about you felt as though

last year went quickly?

What I was saying is that...

it feels like that you've only been

how old you are for five days.

That's what I meant.

Now you've, you know...

You feel like you haven't been...

...seven for a year.

You've been seven for five days.

Yes, I know what you mean.

It's not like I'm saying goodbye forever,

but...

it's just, like,

it's officially happening.

Moving on to the next phase.

In ten years' time, when you look back

on this part of your life...

what do you think you'll say to yourself?

I don't know.

I can't see that far into the future.

I don't really see anything above 16.

Okay.

I feel like

my life's stopped being written.

Will you feel better

once you know what's happening?

I'm just numb.

Even when I feel happy, I don't...

I can't feel it.

I just feel numb,

and my head just feels numb.

- Bye, guys.

- Bye, Miz.

- Bye, sweetheart.

- Nice makeup, by the way.

- Okay. Love you, darling. Bye.

- Drive safely, Mirie.

- Bye, Mum. I love you both.

- I love you.

Is there anything

that would make you feel better?

Not really, no.

Part of me just wants to sleep.

But a part of me...

doesn't know what to do.

I almost wish that if I had it my way,

none of you would know.

And I'd be able to get the help

without any of you knowing.

'Cause it just feels so uncomfortable,

and I'm just embarrassed that...

But don't be embarrassed, Pippa.

- It's an illness, it's not...

- I know, but...

I'm putting the family through some sh*t.

And some of you don't...

Like, and it's not your fault,

but they don't understand that

I can't help it.

You hope that

you've brought them up to treasure life.

That's your job as a parent.

It's the last thing I want,

but she does need to be in hospital.

What are you doing?

I was just putting things in here.

- It's not the same without her, is it?

- No.

You all take

a different thing away with you.

Pippa,

it's like that sparky-ness has gone.

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