Kissing Jessica Stein Page #7

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and then my daughter, who's

the big deal at the New York T ri bune.

- I 'm a copy editor.

- It's a big deal to me.

Is she not gorgeous, Stan?

Look at that punam. Look at that punam.

- She is beautiful.

- Please!

So Helen,Jessica tells us

you own an art gallery?

[ Helen ] Oh,Jessica

leans toward hyperbole.

I 'm the assistant director

at the Schuller Gallery in Chelsea.

- What kind ofwork do you show there?.

- Contemporary abstracts, right?.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I saw Diana Tompkins'

exhibit last month.

And Stanley is the vice president

of new software development...

- fror I.B.M.

- Yeah.

So ifyou need a great deal on a new

P.C.,just let me know. I'm your man.

- [ Together] Jessica hates computers.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry.

- No, no, no. That's okay.

That's fine.

I just, um--

I just feel like they're numbing

and obscuring our humanity, you know.

Angel, could you help me

in the kitchen, please?.

- Sure, Mom.

- Thanks.

We'll be right back.

- She likes to provoke.

- Oh, no. I understand. I like that.

He's adorable, he is bright,

and what's more,

he is your father's

partner's nephew, soyou be nice.

- I don't wanna-- I don't wanna be nice.

- Shh, shh.

And for the record, all of

your setups have been disastrous.

- Disastrous?. How was I to know

Eric Birnbaum was in rehab?.

- Yes, they have.

God. Wan, pale, track marks?.

I don't know.

- I thought he had diabetes.

-Jesus Christ.

- Can I help with anything?.

- Yes,you can make my daughter

a little less stubborn...

and a lot less picky!

- Oh. Tall order.

- Thanks.

Let me askyou something, Helen.

Isn't Stanley gorgeous?

Oh, yeah.

He's a handsome guy,Jess.

Wouldn't he make a great match?.

He would be a great match, wouldn't he?.

I think it's a very good match.

And you know what?.

I thinkJess really likes him.

Yes, yes, clearly.

I'm smitten.

Great.

It's not happening.

It's not happening, Mom.

Breathe,Judy, breathe.

What aboutyou, Helen?

How do you like Josh?.

Oh, um, he's great,

-but my plate's a little full right now.

-I can imagine.

Beautiful girl like you,

you probably have men falling

all overyou left and right.

- I do okay.

- I just wish thatJessie

would meet somebody.

It's been ages since she's met anybody

worthwhile. Is she dating at all?.

I think so.

You know, now and again.

But no onespecial?

You know,

I just don't know.

Keep me posted, will you?.

Sometimes,Jessie

is so secretive with me.

- Would you do that for me?.

- You know, I'm sure...

ifit's someone really special,

she'll tell you.

[Stanley]Andourplatfrorm is

compatible with the new camera software.

So soon, your local photo shop

will be a thing of the past.

J udy, you hear this?. They're putting

photocopiers in the computers now.

- This technology's unbelievable.

- I know.

- Stanley's a genius.

- Well, I didn't actually

invent the thing, but--

You're a genius.

Potatoes?.

So, Helen, what groundbreaking

project is on your docket next?

Wel l, actually, I 'm curating a show

this summer for new artists.

New artists?. Well,

Jessie's work should be in that.

- Mom--

- Haveyouseen herstuff?

- I haven't. Isn't that funny?.

- She is marvelous.

That's herpainting over there.

- Mom--

She was the rage at Brown.

-Jess, that's really good.

- Yeah, don't bother. She won't listen.

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Chattering]

All right, it's settled.

No one's leaving. The rain's terrible.

We've got warm beds.

Everyone stays. Genug. Enough said.

I hopeyou girls

don't mindsharing.

No problem.

We'll be okay.

- Right,Jess?.

- Yes. Um, yeah. We'll be fine, Mom.

You sure it's big enough?.

- I thinkwe'll just fit. Good night.

- Good night.

[Giggling]

- Stop it!

- You stop.

- Kids. Good night,Stanley.

- Goodnight.

[TV, Indistinct]

Poor Stanley. Didn't know

what he was getting into, huh?.

- Those Stein women are tough to please.

- Yeah.

It'd take a better man

than me, clearly.

Well-- So how's

yourwriting coming?.

Oh, you know.

Not.

- What doyou mean?.

- [ Sighs ]

I decided that I didn't really

wanna be a writer anymore.

I'm much happier tearing down

the work of otherwriters...

who are not as talented as I am,

but also not as paralyzed.

Any artistic frustration I have now

I just take out on them.

Damn, man.

You got dark.

[ Sighs ]

I know.

This is so weird.

In a month of such normalcy.

We must be very quiet.

Jesus Christ. I feel like

we're gonna be grounded or something.

- Wait,Jess. What areyou--

-Shh. Stop talking.

It's day ten.

[Kissing Sounds ]

[ Yawns ]

F***.

There's nothin' f***ing on.

[ TV Shuts Off]

Jesus. I was

supposed to call Rach.

- You okay down here, man?.

- Yeah.

Your mom left sheets.

Okay. All right.

Good night.

Yeah, good night.

-Jesus.

- Can I get some fries with that shake?.

[ Chuckling ]

Okay, enough is enough.

You never write. You never call.

Okay, enough is enough.

You never write. You never call.

I don't know you anymore.

Are we breaki ng up or are you

gonna tell me about him?.

- Oh, sweetie, no. I-I--

- Okay, we're breaking up.

No, no, no, no.

No, um, I--

[ Sighs ]

Okay. Yes, I've been seeing someone.

- Duh.

- [ Laughs ]

I just don't wanna jinx it--

Oh, I'm sorry.

- I don't wanna jinx it

by talking about it.

- You know what?. Just jinx it.

Yeah.

Okay,justjinx it.

When dowe get to meet him?.

How about brunch on Sunday

ifmywater doesn't break?.

The thing is, we're kind of

laying low this weekend, he and I.

But, uh--

But maybe next week.

- Not maybe, definitely.

- Okay. Definitely.

- [Knocks ]

- Knock, knock.

- Oh. Hi.

- Hi.

[ Clears Throat ]

Is everything okay?.

Yeah, why?.

You just-- You don't seem

like yourselflately.

Yeah, well, you know.

You don't either.

Oh. Okay.

Okay.

- Oh, hey.

Did you get the wedding invite?.

- Yeah.

- [ Gasps, Chuckles ]

They're beautiful, right?.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. It's great for Danny.

- Yeah.

- We're excited.

- Well,youshouldbe.

Okay. Well--

- Why can'tyou be happyfror me?

- Because you are an affront

to gay people everywhere,

and I am a gay people.

- Is it so hard

to believe that I like her?.

- Yes.

- Why?.

- Because you like the penis.

Because you have had

more cock than I have,

and I was a big whore

in the '80s.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Come on, come on. This is not

something thatyou canjust

try on andsee ifrit fits.

I can't just put black shoe polish on

my face and join a gospel choir...

because, I don't know,

I don't feel so white no more.

-Oh, come on. That's a terrible analogy.

-Why?. Why is that?.

- Because you're born black.

- Exactly my point.

Okay, so what do you think?.

It's genius, right?.

Who died?.

- Apparently, I'm an affront

to the gay community.

- Not this again, Martin.

- Martin, why do you care who I'm with?.

- Yes. Why doyou care?

- She likes this girl.

- Straight girl.

Straight girl, gay girl. What's

the difference? An orgasm is an orgasm.

I fyou were blindfolded

and I blew you...

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