Kissing Jessica Stein Page #8

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and then Helen blew you,

would you even know the difference?.

I don't know. That depends. Does Helen

get tired and stop halfway through?.

Okay, too much information.

Guys--

That happened once, andyou were

so drunk thatyou could hardly even--

Okay. You know what?.

Look. The point is, this person

Helen's with seems lovely and smart.

And a very talented artist

who's gonna be in our show.

- Have you met her?.

- Well, no.

Why haven't we met her?.

[Baby Crying]

How come you never make noise?.

- What?.

- When we're having sex.

- What?

- Is it not good?

What?. No, it's fine.

It's-- Yeah.

'Cause I can never tell.

You're so quiet.

- And, you know, I make noise,

so you know what's working.

- [ Chuckling, Coughing ]

Whateveryou want me

to do, I'll do.

- So ifsomething's not working--

- You know, it's all fine.

It's all just fine.

Like sometimes when I'm going down

on you, it seems likeyou like it.

- But then sometimes

it seems likeyou're annoyed.

- Look, Helen--

You know what?. It's not really

the right time to talk about things.

But it's never the right time,

especially at the time,

which strikes me as...

- exactly the right time.

- Oh, my God,Jess,

what areyou doing here?.

- Oh, my God,Joan. Hi. Hi. Hi.

- Hi.

- What areyou doing here?.

- Shopping, of course.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Joan, this is Helen,

a friend of mine.

- Hi, nice to meetyou.

- Hi.

This is Joan,

a friend of mine.

What areyou doing below 1 4th street?.

I thoughtyou were laying low.

Yes, I was.

I-- Wewere.

And then, uh,

my friend Helen here...

actually volunteers

fror this homeless thing.

And, uh, she-- I hadpromised

to help her make brownies today.

And so we're getting ingredients

to make the brownies.

You must make

a pretty good brownie.

- Lesbians?.

- Jesus Christ, I couldn't

think ofrone thing to say.

- I couldn't think of anything else.

- I don't believe this.

I know, I know, I know.

It's crazy, right?.

It's like this surreal episode.

Are you horrified? Are you?

D.o you find me disgusting?

No, no, no,

sweetie, no. God.

- Are you sure?.

- Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

- I 'm i m pressed.

- You are?

- I can't even get Matthew

to use the sex toys I buy.

- Oh, my God.

Andyou're so...

conservative.

- F*** you, I know. I know.

- [ Laughing ]

- Does anyone else know?.

- No. No! Areyou crazy?

- D.on't tellJosh. No matter

whatyou do, don't ever.

- Yuck, no. No, I won't.

- Okay?. Sh*t.

- God, this is huge.

It's so...

- radical.

- I know.

God. Tell me everything.

How did you meet this person?.

What-- How did this--

Oh, don't tell me.

- You answered that ad!

I don't believe it!

- No, no, no, no.

- Oh, my God!

- I know, I know.

I'm a liar and a hypocrite.

-Jessica Stein!

- I know, I know. It was a whim.

You know what?. It was just a whim.

It was this wacky, nuttywhim.

I mean, you know

that I'm a Rilke fan.

And I read that ad and

I thought it would be nice to

meet someone,just as a friend.

Oh, my God. It's all wrong.

It's all wrong. It's not me.

I'm a Jew from Scarsdale.

This has got to stop.

I gotta call her on the phone

and I gotta stop it.

We have to pretend that

it never-- any-- nothing.

- Stop. Shh! You're hysterical!

- No, I'm not.

Breathe.

What's she like?.

- She's great.

- Mmm.

She's, uh,

kind and witty and...

quirkyandnurturing

andinvolvedandall that crap.

But she's a girl, you know?.

She's-She's thin.

She has thin arms and she's soft

and attentive and it's all wrong.

- How's the sex?.

- It's good.

- Really?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- D.oes she makeyou laugh?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, a lot. We laugh a lot.

- Is she as smart as you?.

- Yeah, definitely.

- She getsyou?

- She does.

She really does.

I mean,

I think the thing is

we just really click.

- You know?.

- Mmm.

Sounds likeyou definitely

need to put a stop to this.

Am I wearing this?.

This is so bad.

For Rachel.

You are wearing this, my love.

- All right. You look beautiful.

- I look beautiful?.

Yeah, you totally

look beautiful.

- I look like a heifer

in her fifth month.

- Oh, God.

- You wanna eat?.

- Yes, I'm starving.

Let's get out ofhere.

Good. I made a reservation just next

door. And I left a message for Helen.

- What?.

- There she is.

- What?.

- I left a message for Helen

in case she wants to join us.

- Hi, dear. How areyou?.

- Hi.

- What's all this?.

- [ Chuckling]

- Veryfrunny.

- No, really, what's going on?.

These are our dresses,

sweetheart.

For the wedding.

For Daniel's wedding.

Didn't I tell you?.

My brother's getting married.

- No, you didn't.

- You didn't tell her?

- Oh, no, I did. I was sure that I had.

- When?

- When did I tellyou?

- No, when is he getting married?.

Next weekend.

Didn't you get the invitation?.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, my God.Jessie.

- I'm sorry.

-Jessie, what did I say?. What happened?.

Nothing, nothing at all.

It's, uh--

- Her brother diedat his wedding--

- He died?.

Yeah. I'm off.

I'll explain later, okay?.

Her brother died

at a wedding?.

- Please wait.

- Your brother's getting married

and you didn't tell me?.

I was sure I told you.

I thought I told you.

Stop saying you told me.

You're a terrible liar.

It's one ofyour best qualities.

- All right, please don't do this.

- Look. I am so tired ofthis.

I am so tired ofbeing

left out ofhalf ofyour life.

- We're in a rela--

- Shh.

We're in a relationship

whetheryou like it or-- Wait a minute.

-Why am I whispering?. This is the point.

-Okay, listen.

We have been through this. I have never,

ever considered anything like this.

But here we are. It's happening, and

it's good, and I'm not ashamed ofrit.

And ifyou are,

then we have a problem.

She hates that dress.

Let's not get crazy, you know.

It is good. It's great.

But I-I'm just not ready to

deal with the complexities of--

- God, you can't even say it.

- Saywhat?.

I have never, ever imagined

doing anything like this.

Well, you are doing something like this.

This didn't just happen toyou.

It did. I mean, it feels

like it did, you know?.

- I'm sorry. I can'tjust--

- I can't be with you

and be intimate with you...

and share wonderful

things with you,

and then get shut out of

the most basic things in your life.

What is so terrible

about having privacy in this--

in taking our time

to see ifit makes sense?.

Because when you don't acknowledge

who I am to people that matter toyou,

- it makes me feel like

you're ashamed of me.

- I'm not ashamed ofyou.

- Well, that's how it feels.

- God, what doyou want from me?.

I wantyou to take me

toyour brother's wedding.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

I just... can't.

Fine. I can't either.

[ Ringing ]

[Jessica On Machine ]

Hey, it's Jess. Leave me a message.

[Joan] Okay, we didit.

Hannah Claire Levine.

Eight pounds, six ounces.

I'm sorry we didn't call sooner.

It was 3:
00 a.m.

and it went sort ofrfrast, thank God.

Because it's the worst pain

one will ever know. You can't imagine.

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