Knife Fight Page #11

you think of?

Love, protection, warmth.

Security, fun.

Caring, a bond, support.

Strength as a unit, shelter.

That's good.

When we get back...

Penelope Nelson

runs this clinic,

the same Penelope Nelson

who claims she's qualified

to be your governor.

What she doesn't tell you is,

28% of those who come here are

not Americans

but illegal aliens.

And it's all funded by you.

You pay far too much

in taxes already

so that Penelope

can spend your money

on illegals?

You work hard.

You play by the rules.

Why doesn't she?

Hank Harrison.

Let's make California

great again.

I'm Hank Harrison,

and with your help,

we can take back

our government.

[Cell phone ringing]

That's good.

Now it's really incoming.

Tawny's lawyer.

Erik the Red

has scheduled a press conference

with Tawny tomorrow at 6:00.

He'll call it off

if we deliver him $2 million

tomorrow at 4:
00.

- Down $1 million.

- It's still blackmail.

- And the answer is still...

- No f***ing way!

Good, good.

Okay.

Good. Okay.

All right.

First, Tawny has a story,

but so does Peaches

and her new BFF, Angela.

How is that going?

- All set.

- Good.

And second,

starting on the 5:00 news,

we're launching a saturation buy

of the downed helicopter spot

with your war buddy.

Three, we are making your name

and the word "family"

synonymous.

Think Stephen Green,

think family.

Take all the things

that family means,

and go from there,

like love, warmth, strength,

protection, support, caring.

And with each one of those,

we do a photo and message

of the day.

Like what?

Well, let's start

with the last one

on the list:
Caring.

As in caring

for your children's future.

We've worked something up

around your affordable

college program,

which I love, incidentally.

We'll send you to a school

or something.

Fourth:
Editorials.

Tawny's gonna cry to

every reporter with a laptop

that you're a bad guy.

We get editorials saying

that the last thing

anybody needs in this economy

is more lipstick

and pig stories.

Everybody should be focusing

on real issues

that affect real Americans.

Okay, okay, how about this:

We suggest, gently, but serve it

on a silver platter,

that Tawny

is a complete distraction

from real issues.

And let them hark back

to when Mark Twain

was a reporter here

and that he could see through

all the smoke and nonsense,

like this smoke and nonsense.

Mark Twain.

They love Mark Twain.

I love quoting Mark Twain.

Well, she actually uses

zero fossil fuels

and thus has zero emissions.

She can go at highway speeds,

and what's more,

she was built entirely

by the class you see here.

Thank you all for coming.

- This is Tawny Shearson.

- Hello.

She's gonna tell you

quite a story

about a woman wronged

by a United States senator.

Senator, last month we went

to the California

Solar Challenge.

Mm-hmm.

And of the five finalists,

we were the only

public school there,

but we won.

And what we're showing here

is that what it takes

to achieve in science

isn't all about money.

It's about inventiveness

and creativity and brain power,

all of which this class has

in abundance.

Well, this is amazing.

This is truly amazing.

And I think I speak for myself,

but I also think I speak

for every senator

when I say that we can learn

a lot from Mr. Quinn's class.

It's truly amazing!

Give yourselves

a round of applause.

Thank you so much for coming.

Senator!

[All speaking at once]

Senator!

Senator Green, one question.

Senator Green.

Senator Green.

Are you aware

of the press conference.

Tawny Shearson just gave?

She's claiming

you had an affair.

I was just thinking

about something

that Mark Twain once said,

which is, "When in doubt,

tell the truth."

Well, here's the truth.

I have a bad back.

I injured it in the service

in Afghanistan.

And I receive physical therapy

for that injury,

including massages.

And during one

of those massages,

I crossed the line.

And, uh, here's some more truth.

There is... there's no one

to blame for this but me.

There is no excuse

for what I did.

It was wrong.

It was...

It was wrong to do to my family.

It was wrong to do

to the people

that I set an example for.

It was just plain wrong, period.

Now, I could stand up here,

and I could spin the facts,

and I could maybe fool

some of you,

but I believe that the people

of California deserve better.

I think that we are all tired

of the spin.

So, I am just here to offer

my sincere apology.

And it is my hope

that the citizens of California

will forgive me

for this mistake

and will choose to reelect me.

I promise I will be

your senator,

and I will work tirelessly

for the things

that matter most to you,

like classes taught

by Matt Quinn here,

where our children

are truly inventing the future.

And to that end,

I am proposing

a oil company

windfall profit tax

with the revenue

providing the funds

for every student in America

with a B-plus average and above

to go to college.

[Applause]

I'm prepared

to do everything for you,

as a not-perfect

but a truly dedicated man

who will always fight for you.

[Applause]

[Epic percussive music]

Mission in Afghanistan

my helicopter was shot down.

Both of my legs

and four ribs were broken.

The enemy came to finish us off,

but the young officer

that I was transporting

single-handedly fought off

an entire squad of Taliban

until reinforcements

could arrive.

Nice.

Up, up, up!

Senator, you have jumped

five points!

It is off the charts!

Whoo!

On the other hand,

Tawny is going to kick ass

if she ever decides to open

a chain of massage parlors.

Oh, sweet.

Tell him to check his email.

Jimmy just

sent us all a present.

Check your email.

We got something

coming your way.

And then Tawny went up

to the rollerblade guy

and took two knee pads,

and she said,

"These guys,

a ticket to Washington,

and this body,

and I'm golden. "

How did that make you feel?

Um...

Now, that is room service.

Oh, my God.

Penelope's video just got

5 million views on YouTube.

You see, when you're doing

God's work

and you're at the right place

at the right time,

good things happen.

Best 100 bucks you ever spent.

What do you mean?

What do you mean

what do I mean?

What are you talking about?

Does somebody want to tell me

what's going on?

- It's okay.

- Oh, my God.

[Chuckles]

I just assumed

that she told you.

Your girl here had me

send the guy to the clinic.

You did what?

Okay, in her defense,

I gave the guy 100 bucks.

I told him to scream,

wave the knife around a little.

In no way...

[laughs]

I did not think that he was

gonna take a hostage.

I didn't think

that was gonna happen.

You gave a junkie a knife?

Yeah, well, in retrospect...

Meg Whitman spent

$175 million-plus

running for governor.

We spent $100

and took Penelope's

name recognition

from nonexistent to omnipresent.

Am I fired?

You are a brilliant,

beautiful woman.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote