Knots Page #4

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some kind of spell on her?

You some kind of voodoo

queen, is that it?

Actually, l was

raised Catholic.

F*** you! l mean,

look at this place!

This office! l mean,

it's f***ing huge!

You could have anyone,

anyone you want, any man, woman!

You have to pick my wife?

l mean, that's just...lazy!

Why did it have to be my wife?

Greta is a very

attractive woman.

She's not attractive.

She's my wife.

You seem to take a very

possessive view of this.

Hey, don't try any of

your Jedi mind tricks...

and make this all about me!

All right, Dave,

tell me something.

How...how would you

describe sex with Greta...

prior to the moment...

when you found her

in post-coital bliss...

with another woman?

My wife is not a lesbian!

lt's not like

l slipped her a Mickey...

and had my way with her.

l mean, she would have

slept with a woman eventually.

lf not me, then someone else.

You're full of sh*t!

l think that

you should accept...

that Greta has figured out

what she wants...

and maybe it's time

for you to do the same.

l want my wife back!

l don't see that happening.

You are a f***ing predator.

That's what you are!

Like a lioness?

Or a cheetah?

Yeah. That's right.

You know, you just

slink into our lives...

with your hot talk and...

oh, your incredible body...

and you slip

your panties off...

and you expect everybody

to drop everything and look!

l'm not wearing any.

-What?

-Panties.

What?

Dave, do you know what you need?

You need to f*** someone.

You're evil.

ls that what you

want me to be?

You are the coldest,

most manipulative woman...

l've ever met in my life!

Talk, talk, talk.

F*** you!

The woman who seduced your wife?

Sh*t, dude, you got to

write a porn movie.

l'm telling you, man.

You told me to be out there.

l got out there.

She was amazing.

For the first time

in my life...

l know what it's like

to be you.

Hot blood is pumping

through my veins.

lt's liberating!

Quit it. Now you're

starting to creep me out.

l'm sorry, but it just

feels f***ing great.

lt's a f***ing shoe commercial.

Oh, hey, listen,

l need a favor.

What's up?

Emily's coming

to town tomorrow...

and l need, like, an hour.

What's so important?

Her name is Uta.

What are you going

to tell Emily?

l'll tell Emily that

we're doing a photo shoot...

at the apartment

and she can't be there.

What?

Look, l don't have...

the slightest trace

of a conscience, OK?

ls that what you

want to hear?

Are you going to

help me out or not?

l don't know.

What's with

the moral stance here?

Does Greta know about Lily?

l sure as sh*t hope not.

All right.

So here's what we do.

We're going to tell

Emily that we'll meet...

at the Mod at, like,

8:
00 for drinks, OK?

You get there first.

l'll show up a little late...

and just say

the shoot went over.

Sorry.

Andrea.

Jake. Oh, my God. Hey.

What a nice surprise.

Thank you.

Gosh, l haven't

seen you since...

Cal's party.

Right.

l've been meaning

to call you about that.

Oh. Oh, really?

Yeah.

Do you have his phone number?

What?

The poop never called me.

l want to see if he

wants to hook up again.

You're kidding, right?

No.

Andrea, we went

to that party together.

Yeah.

You know, l deserve

an explanation.

Come on.

Please, tell me.

Please, please, please,

please, tell me!

l just liked him

better than you.

l couldn't get this stain out.

Hey, Jake, you know

who wrote ''Vanity Fair''?

-Thackeray.

-Thackeray.

Thackeray...

in stereo.

You a fan?

Actually, l prefer

Henry James.

l find James to be

boring and pedantic.

Really?

No. l just always

wanted to say that.

So, can l

buy you a drink?

Sure.

Great. Hey, Mike.

Can l get another round...

and a little something

for the lady?

Grey Goose martini, please.

Thanks.

lt's nice to see

someone else drinking alone.

Oh, come on.

You're charming.

You're well read.

l mean, how bad can it be?

You don't want to know.

All right, try me.

Give me an example.

OK. Here's the latest.

l'm dating this girl,

and we're dating for a while...

and l think that, you know,

she might be the one.

And about 3 weeks ago,

l take her to this party...

and she ends up going to bed,

while l'm still there...

with the guy

who threw the party.

And he's got

a girlfriend, to boot.

Oh, what an a**hole.

You have no idea.

How did his girlfriend

not know?

Evidently she travels a lot.

Really?

But still...

what kind of idiot...

would she have to be

not to have caught on by now?

Yeah. Well, what does

the boyfriend do?

Fashion photographer.

Can you believe that?

What a cliche.

He's been living with

this girl for, like, 5 years...

and he sleeps with a new model

every night of the week.

What's his name?

Why?

Why? Wait.

What's yours?

Emily!

Hey, sorry l'm late.

l got caught up at work.

ls Cal here yet?

Jake, what are you

doing here?

No, listen, l--

l think your pal here

was just telling me...

how Cal f***ed his girlfriend

at a party at my place.

l'm sorry.

What? What?!

l--l--

Dave, has Cal

been cheating on me...

for the last 5 years?

l beg your pardon?

You knew.

What the f***

just happened here?

Hey, hey, hey!

l--l--l--

Did you tell Emily that

Cal's been cheating on her?

How was l supposed

to know who she was?

What are you doing

here, anyway?

What are you, high?

l'm always here.

This is not good.

Hey. Leave it at the beep.

Cal. Cal, it's Dave. Pick up.

Emily knows.

She's on her way over.

Just call me back.

l don't know what the f***

you're saying...

but keep going.

Right here.

Hey.

How you doing?

You f***ing a**hole!

What was that for?

You're an a**hole.

What?

Cheating on me.

No, l haven't.

You have somebody

here right now.

No, l don't.

A**hole!

Did she do that to you?

Yeah. She has

a hell of a right.

Dude, what the f***

happened, man?

You were supposed to

keep her at the bar.

Well, l...l was

a little late...

and she was talking to Jake.

She was talking to Jake?

He...accidentally...

Told her?

That f***er told her?

Oh, f***!

l'm going to kill

that whiny little prick!

He didn't know

who she was.

l'm going to kill him.

Cal, where are my boots?

Ah, here they are.

Who the f*** was that?

Uta.

What is she still doing here?

l guess the fireworks

kind of turned her on.

So you slept with her again?

Yeah. What was l going to do,

blow my brains out?

You know, you have

this thing with someone...

and you think it's special.

He's the only guy

l've ever slept with.

You've never been

with anybody else?

No.

And you never had any idea?

l mean...yeah...

there was always

models around...

but Cal's a fashion

photographer.

Photographer.

He's still a total sh*t.

l can't believe

Dave f***ing knew.

They're all a**holes.

True, true.

Well, don't worry

about a thing, Em.

You can stay here

as long as you need.

Sorry, dude. Emergency.

What's going on, man?

Hey, Jake.

Love your shampoo.

Where did you get it?

Lily's in my shower.

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