Knots Page #5

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Yeah.

The woman who humiliated me

and destroyed your marriage...

is in my bathroom

taking a shower.

You wouldn't know anything

about that, would you?

Well, you know,

a couple of weeks ago...

when Greta gave me

the divorce papers?

l went to Lily's office

to confront her.

Well, the next thing l know...

we're having sex on her desk.

This is insane!

After everything

that bisexual freak did...

you're diddling her?

She prefers the term

omnisexual.

Who gives a sh*t?

You know she's in there

using my shampoo?

l don't want to share

my shampoo with that woman!

Wait. What are you doing?

That's my shampoo.

Give me my shampoo!

This! These are mine!

What the hell

are you doing?

She can f***ing drip-dry.

l gave you a place to stay...

when you had nowhere else to go.

ls this how you repay me,

by going behind my back?

Jake, you don't understand.

l mean, this woman,

this woman is so porn.

Hey, l've watched porn.

l've seen John Holmes

in action.

Believe me,

you're no John Holmes.

l'm not saying

l'm John Holmes!

You're Cal.

Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

You want to

be him so badly...

you even f***ed my date!

Wake up, Dave,

and while you're at it...

get the f***

out of my apartment.

-Come on, Jake.

-You heard me.

When l get back, l want you

and that velociraptor gone.

Jake, come on. Jake.

Hello.

Hello. ls this Emily?

Yeah.

Hi. lt's Jake.

From the bar.

l spilled the beans about Cal.

What do you want?

l was wondering

if we could talk.

Can l come up?

No. l'll come down.

l'll be the guy

on the stoop.

Hello?

What?

Look, l know we didn't meet...

under the best

of circumstances...

but l just wanted

to let you know...

that l feel like a total

jerk for what happened.

That makes two of us.

Wait. We both think

l'm a jerk...

or we both feel like jerks?

Draw your own conclusion.

Look, it was easy for me...

to think of you in the

abstract as some idiot.

ln fact, the only

idiot here is me.

No, you were right.

l was an idiot.

lf l could take it back,

l would.

So you're saying

you'd be like Dave...

and just let Cal keep

doing what he was doing?

l'm just saying

l don't know...

if l could say

something like that...

to someone if l knew

it would hurt them.

What are you,

one of these nice guys?

ls that your thing?

Does that work on anyone?

Because it's been monumentally

unsuccessful so far.

Yeah. Well, l guess

l wouldn't know.

l have a theory.

You can be either

one of two things...

in a relationship--

a pig or a chicken.

ln a ham and egg breakfast...

the chicken is involved,

but the pig is committed.

So, you didn't do

anything wrong.

lt's just that...

you're a pig who got into

a relationship with a chicken.

All right. l get that

whole little story there.

Except for the part

about me being a pig.

OK, yeah, that was

a bad analogy...

and it needs work, but...

But...see, you're a good person

who deserves the best.

ln fact...in fact,

say that with me.

l can't hear you.

l want to--

l am a great person...

l'm a great person.

Who deserves the best.

Who deserves the best.

And l will buy you

a fudgsicle.

OK. And l will accept.

Thank you.

No. You are going to

buy me a fudgsicle.

You're supposed to repeat me.

Oh, you're really funny.

Thank you very much.

Did you bring any change?

No. You're going to buy me one.

-l'm Not buying you anything.

-Yes, you are.

My client only has one

simple stipulation.

Greta Siegel was caught

in flagrante delicto...

with a woman.

So this entitles him

to everything?

So they bought

the apartment together.

He's supposed to walk away

from the equity?

Well, if she keeps up

the mortgage payments...

how will that affect--

You're dancing around

the issue, counselor.

Do we really have to

go through all this?

You tell me.

l'm not the one...

who walked away

from this marriage.

Take it easy, Dave.

Mr. Siegel, have you had

sexual intercourse at all...

since you moved out

of your apartment?

What's that got to do

with anything?

Will you let me

handle this?

What has that got

to do with anything?

Just trying to establish...

if your client is moving on

with his life, and if so...

l think that does have

a bearing on the situation.

You do not have to answer that.

Actually, l would

like to answer that.

Yes.

l have slept

with someone since.

Who?

Please. Who?

One Lily Kildear.

What?

That's right.

Wait a minute. Dave,

you slept with Lily Kildear?

That being the woman

with whom l caught my wife...

in flagrante de...

whatever.

Really?

Dave, why didn't you

tell me this?

-How long?

-Why?

What difference does it make?

She's a lawyer in this firm.

She's about to

be made a partner.

How do you think l found

you guys--subway ads?

How long?

Holy sh*t.

Please strike

my last remark.

l think you should

leave that in the record.

What do you mean? You can't

represent me anymore?

Hey! How long

have you been sleeping...

with my girlfriend?

Oh, so now she's

your girlfriend.

Did you get that?

l'm going to ask you

to stop talking.

Not until after you did it,

if that's what you're asking...

but with great frequency

since then.

Dave, you don't want

to say things like that.

l've heard of some pretty

shitty things, Dave...

but this is a new low.

Why don't we just

settle this right now?

What are you talking about?

This is her firm, right?

You f***ing prick!

l've been banging

her brains out, Greta.

She said so herself.

How's your sex been?

Go f*** yourself.

Don't need to. Getting

all l can handle from her.

Did you see that?

Spousal abuse.

Add that to the list.

Where's Lily Kildear?

She's...back there.

But you can't go back there!

You can't go in there, sir!

-Hey, Sheila.

-Hey.

You can't go back there, folks.

Thanks.

Well, absolutely not.

lf he doesn't sign

on the dotted line at 3 p.m.--

How could you?

l will call you right back.

How could l what, Greta?

How could you

sleep with Dave?

l thought that we had

something special.

You thought you had

something special?

Oh, this is great.

Hi, Hal.

Lily.

What's going on here?

l'll tell you

what's going on!

You cheated on me with him.

Like you did

on him with me?

Exactly.

l won't stand for this.

Why don't you just

make a choice right now?

Her or...me.

Neither one of you.

What?

l beg your pardon?

Ever seen one

like this before?

Prayed for it.

Wait, wait. Are you...

are you serious?

l don't understand.

Listen, Greta, sweetie,

what we had was wonderful...

but that happily-ever-after

thing really isn't my style.

l think l'm gonna be sick.

Look, you both got something

you badly needed...

and we've had a good time.

You still find this a...

conflict of interest?

Well, it's tricky.

Good. You're fired.

You're a piece of work.

You're not getting

in my pants, Hal.

Worth a shot, eh?

All right.

l'll just...

get the door.

Good.

Try your hand up.

That's it. Good.

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