Knucklehead Page #3

every day.

Yeah, shorts. Like swimming trunks,

workout shorts. Not globe-huggers.

-This is all I got.

-We're gonna have to work with it.

Walter, Walter, you know what,

you really don't have to do this.

Yes, I do.

I mean, those kids are counting on me.

We gonna argue about underpants

or we gonna fight?

Let's go. Let me see something.

Right, you're good.

-What are you looking at?

-What is this? I don't think so.

Higher. A little higher.

Put your hands up.

Higher, higher, higher.

All right, good, go back to the corner.

Go on.

All right, two feet up. Two feet up.

Okay, we have in this corner...

...the Monster of Matzah, the Kosher Killer,

the Spartan of Schpielkiss...

...I give you Sugar Ray Rosenberg!

Hold on. Hold on.

And now we have the challenger

in this corner.

Measuring a monolithic 7 feet tall...

...and tipping the scales...

...at no less

than a very unsvelte 445 pounds.

I give you the Pantaloonatic.

Yes. That's right.

Shut up. Oh, shut up. Shut up.

-Nice head ring. You look great.

-Come here.

All right, listen, guys.

There are no rules

except no hitting below the belt.

Nothing below the kishkis,

you understand?

And behind the neck, that's not

good either. Those are the rules.

Shake hands and when the bell rings,

give me a fight.

Relax.

Eddie, are you sure about this?

He seems like a nice guy and all. I mean--

That guy hates Christmas.

-How can anybody hate Christmas?

-He does.

-Walter, move around.

-Eddie.

-Lift your head.

-What's he doing?

Move your arms, wave. Something.

-This is something.

-Eddie.

Pick your head up.

Come on, fight. Do something.

Move around. Move it.

-lt hurts, Eddie.

-Move your hands.

Look, he's getting tired.

Do something, pal.

Hit somebody. Hit anybody.

Hey, stay there, Walter.

I thought he said no hitting

below the belt.

Stand up.

-Yeah, baby.

-What? You mean he won?

Walter won.

-Yes.

-We won! We won!

We have a winner.

Use your arms. Fight!

Look, all things considered,

I think it went pretty well.

-Really?

-Close that door.

Sorry.

I mean, look, you know,

you could use a little polishing.

Well, a lot. A lot of polishing.

But, you know, at the end of the day,

you won the fight.

It's hot in here. Come on.

Not to mention that that's gotta be

the first time in MMA history...

...a fight ended that way,

by smothering.

That's gotta be worth at least a million hits

on YouTube.

We have to make sure

that they never get to New Orleans.

Yeah?

Well, how do you suppose we do that?

I have absolutely no idea at all.

I'm making all of this crap up

as I go along.

Kind of like improvisation?

Well, first thing we do is have a little chat

with my old pal Eddie.

-How's your head, man?

-My head's okay. It's--

It's better than

the rest of my body, though.

Oh, like my back.

Like the back of my legs.

It's riding that doggone bus.

Time for bed.

Oh, that is wrong. It's wrong.

Are you--?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Oh, it works.

Well, I was just, you know,

heading off to bed.

Thought maybe you guys would

wanna head off to bed...

...but like on separate side of the bed.

-You know....

-That would be a good thing.

I wanted to talk to you if I could.

Alone and in private.

-Okay. Good night.

-No offense, Eddie. Thanks.

Well, hello there, Eddie.

Hello there, Earl.

Well, okay, Eddie boy.

I would like to strongly suggest...

...that you go nowhere near

the city of New Orleans.

Mary, I know you haven't really liked

exactly how things are going.

And I can't say

that I'm having fun either.

Bit of an understatement.

I mean, this whole thing has been terrible.

Terrible idea. Really. I don't know

what Sister Francesca was thinking.

-Just let me--

-I owe her my life but--

Just let me--

Look at this from my eyes, okay?

Okay. I'm sorry. What?

I'm out on the road

for the first time in my life.

I'm doing something important.

To me, I have a chance

to make some things right.

First of all, Walter...

...this wasn't all your fault.

Mary, come on.

Everything's my fault,

in one way or another.

But this, this gave me a chance to be

something that I've never been.

Probably never will be.

But it's a chance.

For what?

To be the hero.

I mean, not even in the same zip code

as the good old Crescent City.

You know, Eddie boy, there are so many

different ways that I could hurt you...

...that I'm just now actually starting

to warm up.

Now, that's improvisation.

All right, very important issue. What image

do we wanna project in the ring?

I think the underpants thing

is humiliating.

Oh, finally, something we agree on.

When we hit the next town,

we'll gear up with some real shorts.

-The engine's smoking.

-Something to put fear in them.

The engine is smoking.

What do you mean

the engine's smoking?

Pull to the side. Ph, God.

Don't panic. Don't panic.

Slow down!

Everybody okay?

-Do you smell gas?

-What?

Hey, that was some real

calm-under-pressure stuff back there.

Oh, just FYl, gas on the right,

brake on the left.

Screw you.

Real nice language

coming from church lady over here.

Church lady?

What is that supposed to mean?

I don't know. I figured you're

some kind of nun-in-training or something.

No, I work at the orphanage, okay?

-Okay.

-ldiot.

-You're an idiot.

-You're an idiot.

Sister Francesca has been really good

to me, so....

To all of us. She's a fine woman.

Real peach.

Let's talk about today's match.

Two hundred dollars,

which we could use.

ad Milton said we've gotta be there

by 4:
00.

Mad Milton? Really?

Yeah, really. He's the promoter.

And we have no way of getting there

on foot and we have no money.

But somehow you think that a car

is gonna come by and pick us up...

...even though we're standing next

to a 450-pound, 7-foot-tall man.

-No offense, Walter.

-It's okay.

I can be brutal on a car suspension.

-I bet you can. You have a better idea?

-I do, as a matter of fact.

That worked.

You need a ride?

-Thank you for picking us up.

-Oh, yeah, ain't no problem, son.

You know, I'll tell you God's honest truth,

sometimes it gets kind of lonely out here.

Driving mile after mile after...

...mile.

There's nobody to talk to...

...or share your innermost feelings with.

Thattaboy. That's what I'm talking about.

That is the magic.

So...

...what are you hauling?

What are you hauling back here?

I'm in the import-export business.

Mostly in toward imports,

you know what I mean?

That's-- That's interesting.

Any idea what he just said?

That you remind him of his nephew

who he misses very much...

...and, you know,

wants to know if you would...

...give him a hug.

Okay. That's a little awkward, but yeah.

You know, yeah, sure.

You know, anything to make this go

a little easier.

Yup.

Twenty-eight and three-quarter hours'

worth of straight driving.

-Did we just hit something?

-Oh, no.

Sometimes you don't tie your load down,

she'll jostle on you a bit.

So you said you've been driving

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