Knucklehead Page #5

Okay. All right.

That's what I'm talking about, Tins.

-Yeah.

-Bare-knuckle fighting, $500.

I'm liking it!

Okay, Walter, so this is called

a front-thrust kick.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, jeez.

Okay, okay.

So kicking may not be

one of our go-to moves.

We'll just have to play to your strengths.

I can pick up a Volkswagen.

Okay, okay.

We can work with that. Here.

-Okay.

-Thanks, Eddie.

I've only seen a few episodes

of Extreme Makeover...

...but I do consider myself

a little bit of a stylist.

Without further ado, I introduce to you

the new and improved Walter.

-All right.

-The crowd goes wild.

Come on, baby.

You-- Don't be shy. Come on.

Come on.

-Papa likes.

-Oh, my God.

-That's awesome. Look at the goatee.

-Oh, my God.

-All the hair's gone.

-You got the tattoos.

You are such a good artist.

Walter, you look so scary.

All right, buddy.

Make that war face. Let's see it.

-War face?

-Yes.

Come on, now. Have it.

Oh, my God.

Okay, well, we're making progress.

Oh, my God.

How are we going, partner?

-It's good, but it's very poppy.

-Hello there.

I made a special one for you.

-You want a funnel cake?

-To give you lots of energy.

Thank you.

All right, let's go, Romeo.

You got a fight. Come on.

-Hi, Mary.

-Hi, Walter.

-Come on. Come on.

-We're gonna come watch. Good luck.

Here we go. Duck. Tree.

You got a crush.

Hey, man,

you fighting Bare-Knuckle Dave?

Word of advice, man.

Just keep on moving.

You mind not talking to my fighter

before the fight?

Bob and weave, Tiny.

-Bob and weave.

-Okay, okay.

This is a good crowd.

This will be great for your lnternet buzz.

Give me that. That stuff will rot your--

Give it to me.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

We have an exciting new challenger for

our reigning champ, Bare-Knuckle Dave.

Let's give a warm welcome for today's

victim. What's this dead man's name?

Hey, listen, Mr. Small Town Comedian,

he's gonna do fine. His name is Walter.

-Walter.

-Yeah!

Now, without further ado, let's bring on

our reigning champ, Bare-Knuckle Dave.

All right, you're gonna do great, okay?

Dave! Dave! Dave!

Dave! Dave! Dave!

Give me that.

All right, we got it.

Oh, my God.

What?

It's....

-Knuckle Dave's a bear?

-Don't panic.

Stay in there. Don't panic.

Stay in there? What are you talking about?

That's a bear.

Eddie, it's a bear.

Oh, God. Run, run, run. Circles, circles.

Okay. What did that guy say?

You bob and weave.

Or shuck and jive.

I think this bear's angry.

Eddie, there's a bear on me.

Oh, my God, I can't look.

Eddie.

Dave! Dave! Dave!

-Funnel cake.

-You got him.

Funnel cake, Eddie, give the bear

the funnel cake, please.

Walter!

Walter, bear on my back.

Walter, bear on that--

He's touching me. He's touching me.

Squeeze. That's it. Squeeze.

That's his bear sleeper hold.

-Just go to sleep.

-Squeeze him.

That's it. Good night. We won!

That's my boy.

You're a champion!

-You can have the funnel cake now.

-I don't want it. No, thank you.

Hey, you know what, he's okay.

Look at him.

-It's gonna be all right, baby boy.

-How about this?

Y'all are a bunch of animals.

You're animals. Y'all are just animals.

All right, bob and leave. Bob and leave.

Yeah.

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Five hundred dollars.

What do you think you're doing in here?

You know the rules. No one is allowed

in here without supervision.

But then again, you don't play by the rules,

do you, Henry?

I was watching Walter.

Show me.

-Oh, my Lord in heaven.

-Your reign of terror is over.

Yeah, baby!

I can't believe you're happy

when you almost got Walter killed.

Walter? The bear almost ate me.

Well, there's no accounting

for good taste.

Okay, you gotta be kidding me.

What?

It says "all you can eat."

Yeah, not "you can eat it all."

What, you're not big enough?

I can't have you getting sick

on me, Walter.

I've got a cast-iron stomach.

Big man, big appetite. I like that.

Hey, is there any way y'all could

pass this way as you head home?

-Oh, yeah, well, definitely.

-Yeah.

Suppose.

What?

Pardon me.

I'm sorry. Please, excuse me.

I gotta--

No, no, no.

Come on.

All right.

Help!

I'm sorry.

-Let me out.

-I'm so sorry.

Mama, I just wanted to say I love you.

Can you--? Keep pushing.

Good God almighty!

A courtesy flush, please.

I'm begging you.

How can you not flush? You better be glad

I can't whup that big butt of yours.

Walter.

-I'm sorry, please, forgive me.

-Poor thing.

Please forgive me.

My dogs! My dogs are on that bus!

My dogs.

Come on, come on.

Hurry.

Hey, now, if this doesn't work...

...we may need the Jaws of Life, okay?

-Okay.

-All right.

All right, boys, once more.

Heave!

Yeah!

-That's great.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Pull, come on.

So maybe not so much

with the buffets for you anymore.

Yeah, I can live with that.

This knucklehead just choked out

a 1600-pound bear.

Yeah. Do you have a plan B?

I am sorry to keep you waiting,

Mr. and Mrs.--

Wilkins. Bob and Jennifer Wilkins.

-And you?

-This is my assistant...

...Fredrick Rumsfeld lll.

What's up, Sister?

Yes.

And you are all here because--?

You see, Sister, my lovely wife and l

have been happily married for 10 years...

...and we've been trying to have kids

for a lot longer than that...

...but I think that the good Lord

has a higher calling for our family.

Isn't that right, honey?

Honey?

We believe the children are the future.

We wanna teach them--

You're gonna have to excuse my wife.

You see, she's barren, fouled.

She's all dried up down there.

I'll tell you the truth,

I don't know what the hell is going on.

-The Lord works in mysterious ways.

-Oh, praise the Lord, Sister, yeah.

Look what I found.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm afraid we don't have any children

who would--

Would be appropriate for you

at this time.

Are you telling me

a nice kid like this kid here...

...needs a home,

I'm willing to provide a home...

...and somehow I'm not good enough?

In a nutshell, yes.

Now, there is clearly something off

about all of this.

I'm real sorry to hear that...

...because I've got everything

a kid could possibly want.

Money, home, pool,

...HBO.

A dream come true for some nice kid.

And you continue to make my argument

for me, Mr. Wilkins...

...despite the Whitney Houston lyrics.

Madam...

...posse...

...show yourselves out.

The door is right over there.

Yup.

Things just keep getting

better and better.

Well, they certainly can't get any worse.

I'm going inside.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hey, sweet thing.

-What are you doing?

Hey, do you know a rental car place

anywhere around here?

Maybe 15, 20 miles up the road.

-Come here.

-Don't touch me.

Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy, back off.

Back off!

This is not gonna end well for you, okay?

Why don't you go inside

and get yourself a tasty snack.

How about we both go in, I buy you

a snack and shove it up your fat country--

-Are you okay?

-Eddie.

Get him, man.

That's it. That's what I'm talking about.

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