Land Of The Lost Page #2

This dump is a portal?

Would you look at these readings?

We just gotta get back in that cave.

No problem, the place

is obviously abandoned.

Not exactly.

What's your pleasure?

I got Roman Candles, Bottle Rockets,

Twitter Glitters, Dancing Butterflies?

This little b*tch right here

I call the Mexican Vasectomy.

Yeah?

Okay, that's some bad taste.

How 'bout this?

This is a little travel mug I

like to call, the perfect woman.

Big ol' set of boobies,

no head and a handle.

Look we want to go in the cave, alright?

Okay, how about this.

Ya'll spend $30 on crap,

I'll give you a deluxe tour.

It all goes to a great cause.

The Devil's Canyon Resort & Casino!

Wow, that's nice craft.

Seven thousand

luxuriously appointed rooms

Three casinos.

One convention center.

Ass-tons of parking.

And when everything is complete,

I will turn the tip of this golden

tee-pee into my personal lair.

And I will take a mate, and live

the rest of my life with her up here.

When we fight, and she pisses me

off, I will banish her to this tip,

where she will be kept

as a prisoner and a slave.

So you gonna buy anything?

Yeah, fine.

Hey Earn, taking these guys

to the cave. Watch the store.

Close your mouth while you're

breathing like we talked about.

Making everybody over here feel wierd.

Prepare to meet your darkest fears inside

the depths of the Devil's Canyon mystery cave!

Rule number one, keep your

arms and legs inside the boat.

Rule number two, have

a kick ass awesome time!

But be warned...

You may get wet.

I'm sorry, may?

Actually, I need to know

this equipment cannot get wet.

Not you, Mary Poppins

Bam-chica-wow-wow...

Say that again, and I'll drown you.

Good to go!

Woo, cave ride begins!

Woo!

They all just say this old cave is a hundred

years old and holds a thousand mysteries.

Or is it thousand years

old, and a hundred mysteries.

Well that my friends, is

just one of the mysteries.

Say what you will my man, as a showman.

Without a doubt.

This cave is most infamous for the

legend of the Devil's Canyon lizard man.

He's been seen around these

parts since the pilgrim times.

Snapping his claws, hissin,

tryin' to eat people up.

Lurking about in the dark

dark shadows of this very cave.

But those are just legends, aren't they?

Aren't they?!

Are you asking us?

No, no.

Earnie! Aren't they?

Here it comes, Will!

Oh god!

The lizard man!

You're paying for that.

I most definitely am not.

You know I'm sitting here trying to

give you guys a really awesome adventure,

and you guys are giving

me nothing in return!

I got the gloves on,

the hat, the pageantry!

Holly, I'm getting a

strong Tachyon reading!

I think I can boost the hell out

of this signal with a resonant wave!

Go for it!

You guys don't even care.

No no, there are no

showtunes on this ride!

Something's happening!

Is this part of the ride?!

Nah, this ain't me!

It's an earthquake!

Greatest earthquake ever known!

Marshall, I think you should turn it up!

The meter!

We're moving!

This isn't me, this isn't me!

Why are we moving so fast?!

Do I look like I know what's going on?!

What's that sound?!

Is there a waterfall in here?!

Hell no dude, this

isn't even a real stream!

It's industrial run off of the

soap factory down the street!

What is that?!

Oh sh*t!

This is not a routine expedition!

Reverse!

It's beautiful!

I gotta say I did not see that coming.

Earnie! You bastard!

That was way too fast.

Earnie!

Too fast!

Marshall!

I think you should

come and look at this!

Do you realize what this means?!

Yes!

It means...

Matt Lauer can suck it!

Holly, are you rolling? -Yes!

That was a viking ship and a-

Shut up just shut up!

Okay, currently in our party...

Me, Dr. Rick Marshall.

Doctoral candidate Holly Cantrell and some trashy

tailer park reject who smells of malt liquor and feet.

I'm standin' right here!

I was right!

Holly, right here!

Just as I predicted we have been...

We've fallen through a time portal from our Earth,

to another dimension where past, present and future,

are all mashed up together!

How the hell did this happen?

My Tachyon Amplifier,

that's how it happened!

You mean that shitty boombox

pumpin' showtunes? -Yes, it worked!

Where the hell is it?

Okay, minor set back.

My tachyon amplifier, which undoubtedly will be

the only possible way for us to open a doorway home.

Is nowhere to be seen.

What the hell was that?

I have no idea but let's go find out!

Primates!

I heard they had the posture of an

Australopithecy but it's actually quite-

No, no, no...shut up!

I will not let you ruin this moment, I waited

my entire life to see the mighty big foot!

Man, are you touching yourself?

Marshall, look!

Oh my god!

Tool construction!

Tool construction!

Yea! They're gonna kill him!

No!

Okay you egg heads you follow my lead.

I know just how to

party with these guys.

You little monkey bastards!

Prepare to bow down and worship me!

For behold, ye' Troglodytes...

I command the power of...fire!

Will, that's not a good idea.

How do you like me now huh?

You want to disco dance you-

Ouch! Son of a b*tch...!

Well done.

You've just now given murderous

primitives the power of fire.

It's alright.

It's alright don't be frightened.

We're friends.

Friends.

Careful Holly.

Come on.

Come on!

Come on.

There we go.

I spent 3 years at the

Manchester Primate House.

I'm recognizing their

very primitive language.

Now..

Me? Holly.

Yes, Holly!

Holly.

Me? Holly...

You?

Cha-ka?

Cha-ka!

No, Holly...Cha-ka!

Wi-ill...

Will...

Good work Holly.

Let me take over from here.

Greeting Cha-ka!

Cha-ka?

I'm Dr. Rick Marshall.

Doctor Rick...Marshall?

Okay?

Let's take a look at that ankle.

Does that sound good?

Keep in mind Cha-ka, although I'm a

doctor, I'm not a licensed physician.

Okay? Just going to take a little look-

How dare you! How dare you!

I mean you no harm!

Marshall, Marshall!

Don't you run from me you little sh*t!

Now you're dead!

Damn it Chaka!

Now was that necessary?

Marshall! Marshall,

wait stay where you are.

What was that?

Look he was never in any danger, okay?

Cha-ka! Friend!

Safety! Safety!

Safety!

Holly, tell him.

Marshall?

Marshall...

Haboo! Haboo!

Haboo?

Haboo.

Well that's more like it.

Holly what did you tell him?

I think I told him that you're a

great chief, and you're very powerful.

And I think he's pledging

his life long loyalty to you.

That's hardly necessary

my little friend.

But I will honor your customs.

And you may serve me.

In return I will be a fair

but very strict master.

What?!

What is wrong with you people?!

That sand dune swallowed us!

I mean could you all please stop act

like this doesn't happen everyday?

You're starting to make

me feel really stupid!

Okay, hold on. Let's gather ourselves.

Take a deep breath in.

Fortunately...

I've been in this exact

situation...three times before.

When?!

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