Larry Crowne Page #3

hoping I don't know

or don't care, but I do,

and I don't like it.

You know, it may look like I don't work

hard around here, Mercy, but I do.

I'm just a guy who is a guy being a guy

when you're not around.

Oh, well, and walking away is great

for a relationship.

I'm a guy who's

a guy being a guy!

That's all!

Everyone says that women's lacrosse

is not a real sport

because you can't body check,

but that's just not true.

If you want to get out your real

aggression before a game

just check yourself against the wall.

And then do 10 push-ups!

Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!

B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! Be aggressive!

Thank you. Ladies lacrosse.

I didn't realise. Uh, who's next?

All right. I'll be the bad guy.

Miss Crowne, please.

You mean me?

Mr Crowne, excuse me.

Go.

My presentation will be on the very

particular subject

of how to prepare restaurant-quality

French toast.

But don't worry, I'll speak in English.

The key ingredients of restaurant-quality

French toast

are bread, eggs

milk, vanilla extract,

oil or melted butter,

cinnamon, nutmeg,

powdered sugar and eggs.

Ahead of myself here.

A few words about syrups.

Thank you. French toast.

Direct and informative.

Next, please.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I got one now!

You will dig it.

Are you clairvoyant?

No. Steve Dibiasi.

Testing, one,

two, three, testing.

Toaster waffles, the easy breakfast.

Put 'em in a toaster,

wait, pop 'em out.

Eat 'em like a sandwich.

No mess to clean up.

Ding-ding! Applause, please!

He got that from...

That was my French toast.

Who's next?

Well, my speech is on the five dance

steps every man should know.

The first of which is the commonly

known two-step, so.

And for the more advanced,

there's the butterfly.

As I said in chapter three

the science of economics is a

relatively simple discipline

told by hard numbers.

Anyone who can add, subtract, multiply,

and divide can divine its truths.

The social science of economics is told

by an ephemeral language.

Contracts, quality differentials,

pressure trends, the intangible

elements of the Individual Value Index.

Us? Scoot?

Subtle interpretation is required.

Yeah. Why not?

As is full concentration.

Your device, please.

They call them "smart phones", but only

dummies use them in my class.

Let us begin with the quality differential.

Like I don't

know a cop when I see one.

My Dell Gordo.

This is Lance Corona.

Classmate and, so far, good guy.

You gotta untuck the shirt, Lance.

So, you wanna ride with us?

Sure. Why not?

Snap along, Lance, or you

can't join the gang.

Okay, okay. You're in for a trial run.

Hey! How you doing?

Great! Where are we going?

You know, we'll just ride around till

we get a bit hungry

then maybe get a bite to eat.

You know a place?

- Yeah, I know a place.

- Great! Show us!

Follow me!

- Frank's a good guy.

- We're both veterans.

He did 20 years in the Marines.

Hey, kid. You pump iron, don't you?

What do you think?

- I think you're wasting your time.

- Really?

- Yeah, you should just do push-ups.

- Yeah?

Yeah, you see this body here?

One time, it was nothing

but a mass of chiselled muscle and bone.

Really? What year was that?

19-kiss-my-ass.

I better get going. I have homework.

No! We just got boosted.

Yeah, you should come with us. We'll go

check out some junk shops, thrift stores.

Would a yard sale do?

I know a spectacular yard sale.

It's open every day.

Then ye shall lead us, Lance Corona.

Let's go.

Frank, thanks very much!

You're welcome, Larry. Take care.

We're being invaded!

Larry. What kind of thugs did you get

involved with?

- Just my college buddies.

- College buddies?

Whoa, hey, hey, kid, kid, you...

TV trays. Postmodernism. That's art.

It's a bargain at 100 bucks apiece.

- For these?

- Yeah.

Look, if you want them,

let's get to haggling.

- A buck apiece.

- Ninety-nine.

- Two bucks.

- Ninety-eight. See how this is working?

Uh-huh. $2.25.

$97.50, and, kid, I do this every day.

No.

No.

These would look perfect on you.

And I think they'll fit.

- Could be really cute.

- Ooh!

I'm kidding with you.

Eight bucks and they're yours.

- You almost went for it.

- Uh, no, I didn't, I didn't.

$97.50, you were like,

"Whoa, that's a lot for TV trays,"

but no, no,

not really, when you think about it.

B'Ella says

he keeps his door unlocked.

How trusting.

So, this is where you disappeared to.

It's so cluttered and dark.

Lance, nothing but treasures next door.

Oh, look. He's a man, and he lives alone.

Are you two walking in

on all the neighbours?

Sal cuts hair and she's gonna tackle yours.

- She is?

- Yes, Lance. You need a haircut.

Where's your bathroom?

Uh, back through the bedroom.

Well, come on. First one's free.

How can you breathe with all this stuff?

I usually straighten up on weekends.

I've been busy.

Just go see Sal.

I'm gonna need some muscle here.

So, what is going on out there?

Just introducing you

to a little thing called feng shui.

Just gonna get rid of some of

this clutter here, okay?

Yeah, just, you know, don't go crazy.

Let Talia do her thing.

Okay? Life is easier.

Well, I did everything I could.

Nice.

Now I see the Lance of my dreams.

Mr Lance Corona.

Raise your right hand.

Say something patriotic.

We'll be right back after these messages.

Welcome to the Street Patrol.

We ride for justice and beauty.

It's a full-time job, Lance.

Hey, Lance, remember to bring the sides

forward, pat down the back.

You are way cooler than you appear.

Well, you know, sometimes it just comes

down to a good haircut.

- Thank you!

- Had to be done, Lance!

Oh, Lance.

You know, every man falls

in love with Talia.

And you will, too, if you haven't already.

But I love her the mostest.

Know that right now.

Seriously, don't make me

keep my eyes on you.

- What's your real name, Lance?

- Larry Crowne, with an "E".

Don Gordon, with a "G".

Shake hands.

Look each other in the eyes.

Firm grips. No contest, but firm.

Hold it.

Stack it.

One word, Lance,

peace.

Peace, indeed.

Spectacular!

Spectacular!

So, this is feng shui.

Hi, Larry!

Pennies per mile, Lamar! Pennies!

I told you that machine was a classic!

I think he got me on that deal.

I've treacle and toffee

I've tea and I've coffee

Soft tommies and succulent chops

Please enter your destination.

I've chickens and conies

and pretty polonies

Miss Tainot!

- Miss Tainot!

- Excellent peppermint drops

I can't believe this.

Then buy of your Buttercup

This man is looking at me

It's Larry Crowne!

Right, hi!

I have you for Speech 217

in just a couple of minutes.

Yes, you do.

- I saw you singing.

- Oh, I'm just drowning out the GPS.

See? It never stops.

Well, no wonder, that's a Map Genie.

Back when I sold you such things,

I would've steered you toward a Vortex,

'cause the Map Genie has...

It's very complicated.

Well, no wonder,

the auto-on feature is engaged.

So, menu, select, features,

auto, voice select.

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