Larry Crowne Page #5

If they help, they help.

You can't even have a date night now.

You can't even chilloot for one minute!

"Chilloot"? Did you just use

the word "chilloot"?

Did that come

from a Canadian blogger thesaurus?

Come on, let's just go home.

Get in the car.

Could you please just hold on

to the cheesecake

- so it doesn't slide back and forth?

- I'm allergic to cheesecake.

- Is that too much to ask?

- Have you forgotten?

Oh, my God. What, are you...

Are you looking for a whole different

kind of man? Mercedes? Is that it?

Sure.

I got news for you, I like myself, okay?

You know, I put up with you,

and I complain about nothing!

I am not complaining. I am stating.

I work and you porn-surf and pretend to work.

It's a statement.

That's so much bull right there, okay?

I had four postings today alone.

Fogcaster, Skyscan, Parsec12.com.

They're not postings, they're comments.

Comments! Like, "You're lame" is a comment.

And who are you to judge me, Boozilla?

You know, I know what

really pisses you off.

What is really pissing you off

is that I like big knockers

and you don't have any!

Maybe I should take that back.

Stop this car.

Stop this car.

- I said I would take it back.

- Stop the car.

Oh, come on, it was a joke!

Let me out of this f***ing car!

- Give me that cheesecake.

- No, I take it back.

- I take it back.

- How about you just drive?

Look, I'm letting you win!

Drive to a cliff on the coastline, mister!

- So, everything that you say is right!

- You loser!

I married a loser!

A childish, blogging loser!

Okay, you know what?

Screw you, you washboard!

Go! Oh, chilloot!

I like big knockers!

Hey, Lance! Chick alert!

You are not gonna believe

how fate meets cute.

Well, come on!

Look who's

waiting for a bus! Miss Tainot?

Do you need a ride? Hop on.

Bust up your dance in the dell with Bambi?

No, thanks.

Hey! Bambi was a boy.

- Hey, can you spare your spare?

- Sure.

Thank you.

- Where did you go?

- Just hooking Lance up, sweetie.

A man on a scooter can accomplish

anything, Lance.

What do men see in irritating free spirits?

Seriously, I am offering you a ride.

Seriously, I can walk.

In those shoes?

You noticed my shoes?

Fine, I'll ride, but I will not wear

that bucket on my head.

It's the law.

We're going so slow a cat could

knock us over, you know that, right?

I've never given anyone a ride before!

I wanna make sure we both survive!

Pardon me?

I said "ha, ha, ha".

Oh, look at this!

Somebody is getting pinched.

- Put your hands behind your back, sir.

- No, you gotta be kidding me!

Ooh, this looks like a DUI.

This guy's in trouble.

- No!

- You have the right to an attorney.

- Shut up, shut up! I know my rights!

- You understand that?

- I know my rights!

- All right.

- Here we go now.

- Hey!

- Careful with that man's cheesecake, Officer!

- Now, watch your head.

He's very sensitive about his cheesecake!

Did you

know what you just did?

I bet you 10 bucks

that he barfs in the backseat.

It was a bad night for that guy.

Drive on, Macduff!

There it is!

On the left, got it.

On the left!

You're following me.

I'm just... I'm seeing you safely

to your door, that's all.

Okay. Um...

Oh, my purse. Do you have my...

Oh, it's in the car. The car.

There's a key buried in that plant.

Whoo!

This it?

That is it.

There appears to be some choices.

Uh...

Let's see.

Let me get this for you.

Ooh!

I have 30 seconds to disarm the alarm

or the cops will be here in half an hour.

- They're slow.

- Slow cops.

Oh. Better get to it. Look away, please.

Two,

two,

two,

two.

Pound.

Gotcha.

All right!

Mission accomplished, Mr Man in the Black.

- Good night, Miss Tainot.

- Missus.

I'm Mrs Tainot.

Can't you see that?

I assumed you preferred Miss.

Well, when you presume, you make

a pretty pair of asses out of me and you.

Something like that, or...

Do you know what I noticed on the ride?

That you smell very pleasant.

Well, thank you.

Would you...

Would you like to kiss me?

Just if you... if you wanted to kiss me,

it would really

be your lucky night,

because I'm half in the bag

and my husband won't be home for,

you know,

three to five years.

Mmm-hmm! Mmm!

Wow!

Whoa! Did you feel that?

Oh, this is crazy.

Let's do that again, and this time,

permission to cop a feel.

Uh, wait, okay, okay. Miss Tainot...

Mrs Tainot, Mrs Tainot...

Oh, please, it was... Wow!

Mrs Tainot, it is now time

for both of us to do the right thing.

- In you go.

- What?

Are you kidding?

But I thought I smelled good, too.

- Closing the door.

- How could you... Really? Really?

Lock the door.

I can see you, you know.

Good night, Mrs Tainot.

- All right, buddy, get out.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Just keep it.

- Oh, wow, great, thanks.

- It'll put my kid through college.

Oh, my God.

Aw, come on! Jerk!

Oh, God, I need coffee.

I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.

I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.

I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.

Jesus, hell, and tomorrow.

Mercy!

Oh, sh*t.

Fortune cookies!

Chinese food tells you the future!

Sushi is fresh out of the sea.

Tempura is fresh out of the oil.

Accent on fr-fr-fresh!

But it won't keep overnight

like Kung Pao chicken.

Those flavours the next day

are deep and delicious.

Samurais are amazing chefs!

I weigh, like, 90 pounds.

What's my 2:
00 a.m. meal

after a couple of puffs?

Chinese food in the Chinese carton

with Chinese chopsticks!

- Yeah, yeah!

- What about the MSG?

That's enough of the fake debate for today.

Thank you for your passion.

That was so fun!

Mr Crowne?

A moment, please.

- Sure.

- Uh-oh!

Sounds like you're in trouble.

Last night was a confluence

of too many things happening

in too short of a time span.

Yeah.

I believe there was an inappropriate

exchange between teacher and student.

I was worked up and under the influence

of the demon rum.

Reminded me of a spotty incident

I once had with a parking lot attendant,

which was...

At any rate, I hope the entire thing

can be forgiven and forgotten.

If gossip of this nature were to circulate,

it would be not only embarrassing,

but my status as a professor could

be tarnished.

Well, I wouldn't want that.

So, no bragging to your pals about

almost scoring with the drunken professor.

Well, I should scurry along.

Hope I don't have the same conversation

with Dr Matsutani.

The papers and records

for 8656 Derby Court.

Since River Creek Bank can't see

to give me new terms,

my mortgage has become a bad debt

that I now transfer back to you.

Oh. No, no, no.

You don't wanna default on this.

It's called a strategic foreclosure.

Oh, I know what it's called,

but you can't do this.

See, it's bad for your credit.

Any student of Economics 1 will tell you

this move is tough, but fair.

Larry, let's go have ourselves some

complimentary coffee

and we'll talk this out.

Legally, I have to vacate the premises

in 30 days. Keys are in it.

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