Last Holiday Page #9

For years and years I go on and on

and nobody offers me a sausage.

Then when I'm going to die, I come here,

and everybody offers me everything on a plate.

Money.

Travel. Jobs. Influence.

Love and kisses.

Just because I'm going to die.

One moment, my friend.

What might you be going to die of?

You look healthy enough to me.

If you must know,

I'm going to die of Lampington's disease.

Lampington's disease?

Do you know who you're talking to?

Uh, Sir-

Sir Trevor Lampington,

who discovered Lampington's disease...

and if you've got Lampington's disease...

I'm in the Sadler's Wells Ballet.

Are you quite sure?

That you're suffering

from Lampington's disease.

Mrs. Poole! Mrs. Poole!

Shh! Don't make such a noise!

It's all been a mistake!

I'm not going to die!

- Nice morning,

- Beautiful morning.

Can I speak to Mr. Clarence

from here, please?

Twenty-five. Mr. Bird to speak

to Mr. Clarence, please.

- You look different, Mr. Bird.

- I am. I'm happy.

Well, don't be too happy. There's a something

somewhere that doesn't like it and interferes.

- Nonsense.

- Here he is.

Joe, something tremendous

has happened.

I must get back to Chanbury

for an hour or so...

and I wondered if I could borrow

your car for the day.

Then I could be back here by teatime.

Oh, bless you.

And you.

My tank's nearly full.

What time will you be back?

- Not later than 6:00, even if I take it easy.

- Starter's down there. Gears on the right.

Well, seems a bit nippy.

- I'll say so long, George.

- Thanks, Joe.

- See you tonight, old son?

- That's right!

Hello. Came down with the milk.

I say, you're not leaving us, are you?

- Only for the day.

- Good. See you tonight then.

I fixed everything, thanks to you, Bird.

I won't forget it.

You pop up and see Sheila.

I must go.

All right, driver.

Bye-bye.

Your call to Chanbury, Sir Trevor.

Will you take it in the box?

Thank you.

Is that Dr. Pevensey?

Yes, I gather you're a busy man.

In fact, so busy that it's just about 50-to-1

that somebody there has been looking...

at the wrong set of X-ray plates.

This is Lampington.

Sir Trevor Lampington.

Lampington, the man whose disease

you've been making so free with lately.

Now, stop being busy for a moment

and listen to me.

- I told Bird it was thanks to him.

- You don't have to tell me that.

- What happened in town?

- Binney's cleared out.

Got a quick passage somewhere

with what I gave him.

It's all right now.

Nothing further to worry about.

- Yes, there is.

- Didn't Bird pay the bill after all?

Yes.

That's not what I mean, Derek.

This is the last time.

Either we pay our way and go straight,

or- or I'm through.

I love you.

Sometimes I wish I didn't.

But if you want me to stay with you...

there must be no more

of this sponging and dodging and lying.

I promise.

Though I may need a little help.

- I'll do my best.

- We could leave here today.

No.

Tomorrow.

I want to see Bird again, just once.

I want him to feel

that what he did wasn't useless.

Good girl.

Lovely day for the road.

That's right, Cecil.

It's a lovely day.

I'd like to take a lovely lorry out

on a lovely day like this.

Go on, enjoy yourself, Cecil.

That's just what I intend to do, Noel.

There's no doubt about it.

The old dinosaur was quite right.

I must have been looking

at the wrong set of plates.

I remember now, Doctor,

There was another man who looked

terribly ill, called, um... Burden.

Oh!

The chap who was so indignant when I told him

there was nothing the matter with him.

Those must have been Bird's plates.

After what I told Bird,

I believe he sold up and cleared out.

- Probably a good thing for us he did.

- Well, that's something.

About the last man I'd like to see

walking in here.

Come along. Let's get on.

Who's next?

Next, please.

- Well?

- Quite well, thank you.

And Bird is the name.

- And Bird is his name and he's not rich at all?

- No, just like us.

Now do you understand, Joe?

Poor George thought he had

only a few weeks more to live.

So he couldn't start anything,

couldn't take a job.

That's right,

and I nearly guessed it last night...

when something he said

made me want to cry.

As I said to Miss Fox,

he reminds me of Sir Herbert's cousin...

the one that went to Australia

and died there in no time.

Yes, but our nice Mr. Bird isn't going to die,

which is splendid.

- I really think we ought to do something about it.

- Aye.

- Can't see what the fuss is about.

- I'll bet you can't.

Fellow was exactly what I said he was, except

some fool doctor made a mistake about him.

Only told him he was booked

for the cemetery, that's all.

If he thought he was going to die,

what'd he come here for?

'Cause he wanted

to finish up with a bit of posh life.

That's right, isn't it, Mrs. Poole?

You girls get on with your work

and never mind about Mr. Bird.

But somebody ought to have

guessed it from the first.

I knew there was something.

There is only one thing to do,

ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Bird, who I like very much

from the beginning, he come here to die...

and now he live, which is

a very romantic story, very nice.

So tonight I give for him a very special dinner

in the small dining room for his friends here...

and we say how much we like him

and we drink his health.

That's the talk, Harry boy.

- Afternoon.

- Afternoon, Fred.

- Taking him up the vet's?

- That's right, Fred. Having him put away.

Poor old sausage.

Might as well.

He don't enjoy life no longer.

All right, Perc, get down then.

Have a last sniff round.

- What's this I hear about your friend?

- Who do you mean, "friend"?

I'm sorry we have to wait so long.

Well, Gambini, this may be Bird's dinner,

but it happens also to be my dinner...

and I'm tired waiting for it,

so I think we'll just sit down, eh?

I must say, I agree with Sir Robert.

Ought to make a start.

- Aye, no right to keep us waiting.

- None at all.

Well, of course,

Then please, we sit down,

As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to think

the whole thing's rather absurd.

- You mean this dinner?

- Yes, all this fuss about Bird.

A doctor made a mistake, that's all.

So what?

The Regal Hotel...

Pine -

Pinebourne.

Tell them.

And give my love to -

my love to -

Give my love to them all.

Funny thing.

Thought I was going to die.

Right after all.

Just had to happen.

But it's all right, you know.

Not bad at all.

Good thing, really.

Not bad.

Good.

Well, I do think he might have turned up.

- He's got your car too, hasn't he?

- Yes.

I suppose it's all right

going off in somebody else's car.

But I know Sir Herbert

wouldn't have had it.

I'm thinking it may be just possible

that we're making fools of ourselves.

Oh, well, no harm done, really, eh?

- Oh, no, he's nice, Mr. Bird.

- But he did rush us a bit, you know,

I talked to him about a job, but there

was no proof that he could have managed it.

- No proof.

I'm beginning to think

the very same thing.

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