Last Vegas Page #6

Paddy, I should have been there.

You're damn right

you should have been there.

You should have been there,

and, you know, she wanted you

to do the eulogy.

She wanted you,

and you knew that.

She knew I would fall apart

in front of everybody,

and she knew you would make

everybody laugh, Mr. Comedian,

but no.

You didn't show up,

you were too busy.

Too busy for my wife's funeral,

our Sophie's funeral,

so I had to do it.

I didn't get one word out.

Broke down like a baby.

I'm sorry, Paddy.

Ah, no,

you're a phony, Gherson.

You always have been,

you always will be.

Everything about you is phony.

Your teeth, your hair,

even your tan is phony.

Ah, Jesus, Paddy, you know, you...

Hey, Paddy, come on, man,

for crying out loud,

we're just trying to have

a nice weekend together.

Nice weekend?

You call this a nice weekend?

This is sad.

I'd give my left arm to be

with my wife right now,

and all Sammy wants to do

is cheat on his.

And, Archie, you're on some sort of

self-destructive bender,

cleaning out your pension fund

like you're so desperate to be alive.

And this guy wants us to validate

his marrying a child.

Well, you know what? I'm not gonna

be part of this charade, not me.

Naptime.

No, it's easy as long

as you have a couple girls...

Oh, my God.

Uh, we've been here

like an hour, Billy.

I think they're only letting

people with cleavage in.

Screw it, follow me.

- Ahem.

- Where are we going?

Billy?

So, what's it gonna take

for three VIPs?

Who's your VIP host?

- VIP host?

- VIP host.

Oh, that's what's-his...?

Uh, our friend, uh...

- Oh, yeah, yeah, um...

- Larry. Larry.

- Louie. Remember Louie?

- Lorrie? Louis? No, no, no.

- Larry? Larry, Larry.

- No, it's an "L."

No, you got it all wrong.

We don't know.

Uh, he's a nice guy.

Get back in line.

You sure about that, son?

He's laughing.

- Oh, y'all are serious, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.

Look, the only way you guys

are getting in there tonight

is VIP bottle service.

- All right, I got that.

- No, no, no.

We got, we got it.

No, no, this is on us.

- Eighteen.

- Eighteen. Okay, 18.

- Here's my friend's ten.

- Yep.

And I've got...

Here's one, two, three,

- and five.

- There you go.

And one for your warmth

and hospitality.

- Eighteen hundred.

- Eighteen hundred what?

Eighteen hundred

dollars, fellas.

F***!

Uh, no, I got this.

I'm up $102,000.

We'll take the bottles.

Bottle. One bottle.

You shitting me?

We'll take it.

- Here you go, fellas.

- Whoa!

Ha, ha. All right.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

Gentlemen. Not too shabby, huh?

- Not too.

- No wonder it's $1,800.

Look at the size of this thing.

Yeah, that's my boy!

Make it happen!

- Hi.

- Hi.

She's on my lap.

There's a girl on my lap.

- Do you mind?

- No, no, no.

It's, uh... It's titanium.

It, uh, can't feel a thing.

What can we start

you gentlemen off with?

- How about some Red Bull vodkas?

- Yeah!

- Red Bull vodkas.

- Uh, I probably should take it easy.

- How about just a glass of soda?

- Yeah, yeah, me too-.

I feel a little...

Well, I can't tell if I'm having

another stroke

or if it's these dad-gum lights.

- Huh?

- What's with you guys, all right?

- Huh?

- Today you were just fine.

Now all of a sudden

you're like two old dogs

being dragged out of the back

of the house to lie down and die.

Three Red Bull vodkas.

- What's a rebel vodka?

- I don't know.

- He just asked for my number!

- Ah, yeah, girl!

Hey, Sam. Got a little bachelorette

party going on over there.

I bet there's at least three girls there

that got some serious daddy issues.

- Archie!

- Huh?

- You said you wanted to dance.

- Yeah.

- Now's your chance.

- I'm still, uh, a little concerned about...

Oh, no, no, let's not talk

about Paddy now, huh? Please.

Boy, these

Red Balls" vodkas are strange.

I feel like I'm getting drunk

and electrocuted at the same time.

And the music! Loud!

Like everything sounds alike.

Like they're playing the same song

over and over and over and over again.

I probably should get up and dance,

but I'm used to having a partner.

Certainly doesn't seem

to matter to that fella.

Maybe I'll give it a shot.

Maybe not.

Well, if they play something different.

Oh, sh*t, maybe now.

- Yeah!

- Ha-ha-ha!

Go, Archie!

Hey.

Whoo!

Hello.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Can I ask you a question?

- Yes.

- Do you guys have drugs?

Does Lipitor count?

So...

...what are you guys doing here?

- It's my bachelor party.

- Oh.

I just think it's so cute

when older people

get married.

- It's never too late, right?

- Right, right.

Actually, uh,

she's not older.

She's more your age.

You must be really rich.

You're kind of blowing

my mind right now.

- Oh?

- Yeah, it's just... It's like...

- You're so cute.

- I...

It's freaking me out.

As I look at you,

- Yeah?

- all I can think about

is how much you look

like my grandpa Lou.

He's in a nursing home

outside Fort Lauderdale.

Uh, who isn't?

- Hey, angel, come on, get out here-

- Hey. Uh, excuse me,

I'm talking to another person.

Yeah, but you should be talking to me.

I'm more interesting. Come on.

Go away, seriously.

You know, I just don't get it, all right?

It's not like you're married yet.

Just spread it around a little

before it gets dusty, you know?

Ew. Look you little jerk-off,

I don't wanna dance with you.

I don't wanna dance with you either.

- Everything all right here?

- Fanny Pack.

You... You guys

are everywhere.

What's your deal?

Can I see that real quick?

Buddy, maybe you had

too much to drink.

Hey, pal, why don't you

mind your business?

You don't wanna make

a fool of yourself.

You know what? If I want your opinion,

I'll just beat it out of you.

- Hey, hey, hey, what's the problem?

- Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?

Sam?

Oh. Now I'm gonna enjoy this one,

a**hole. You know that?

No one calls us names except us.

You understand?

Paddy.

Just get him out of here.

- Take him out the side.

- We're going.

- Your son's been calling.

- Huh?

Good shot, Paddy.

Damn, fellas, that Paddy's a beast.

Heh.

There you are.

- Lonnie.

- Lonnie.

- I said that, man.

- No, you never did say that.

- You said Louie or some sh*t like that.

- All right, I said Larry.

- I said...

- Where you been, man?

Boom.

Boom, boom.

Thank you.

Twenty-two up!

I need a pinch of sugar

An ounce of ooh-la-la

A sweet temptation

In my blue boudoir

If you're feeling hungry

I'll let you lick the spoon

Come on over, baby

Can I borrow a cup of trouble

From you?

I'm just gonna get

some chairs, I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll wait for you.

I used to be fun.

She chose me, I mean, well,

over Mr. Ladies' Man, Billy Gherson.

That's how fun I was.

Ahem. We both wanted her,

but she picked me.

Picked me.

And, uh, you know, once I...

I made her laugh so hard,

she peed her pants.

Yeah.

I used to be able to make

women laugh like that.

Come on.

You made me laugh.

Yeah, but I didn't make you

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