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Last Vegas Page #6
Paddy, I should have been there.
You're damn right
you should have been there.
You should have been there,
and, you know, she wanted you
to do the eulogy.
She wanted you,
and you knew that.
She knew I would fall apart
in front of everybody,
and she knew you would make
everybody laugh, Mr. Comedian,
but no.
You didn't show up,
you were too busy.
Too busy for my wife's funeral,
our Sophie's funeral,
so I had to do it.
I didn't get one word out.
Broke down like a baby.
I'm sorry, Paddy.
Ah, no,
you're a phony, Gherson.
You always have been,
you always will be.
Everything about you is phony.
Your teeth, your hair,
even your tan is phony.
Ah, Jesus, Paddy, you know, you...
Hey, Paddy, come on, man,
for crying out loud,
we're just trying to have
a nice weekend together.
Nice weekend?
You call this a nice weekend?
This is sad.
I'd give my left arm to be
with my wife right now,
is cheat on his.
And, Archie, you're on some sort of
self-destructive bender,
cleaning out your pension fund
like you're so desperate to be alive.
And this guy wants us to validate
his marrying a child.
Well, you know what? I'm not gonna
be part of this charade, not me.
Naptime.
No, it's easy as long
as you have a couple girls...
Oh, my God.
Uh, we've been here
like an hour, Billy.
I think they're only letting
people with cleavage in.
Screw it, follow me.
- Ahem.
- Where are we going?
Billy?
So, what's it gonna take
for three VIPs?
Who's your VIP host?
- VIP host?
- VIP host.
Oh, that's what's-his...?
Uh, our friend, uh...
- Oh, yeah, yeah, um...
- Larry. Larry.
- Louie. Remember Louie?
- Lorrie? Louis? No, no, no.
- Larry? Larry, Larry.
- No, it's an "L."
No, you got it all wrong.
We don't know.
Uh, he's a nice guy.
Get back in line.
You sure about that, son?
He's laughing.
- Oh, y'all are serious, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.
Look, the only way you guys
- All right, I got that.
- No, no, no.
We got, we got it.
No, no, this is on us.
- Eighteen.
- Eighteen. Okay, 18.
- Here's my friend's ten.
- Yep.
And I've got...
Here's one, two, three,
- and five.
- There you go.
And one for your warmth
and hospitality.
- Eighteen hundred.
Eighteen hundred
dollars, fellas.
F***!
Uh, no, I got this.
I'm up $102,000.
We'll take the bottles.
Bottle. One bottle.
You shitting me?
We'll take it.
- Here you go, fellas.
- Whoa!
Ha, ha. All right.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
Gentlemen. Not too shabby, huh?
- Not too.
- No wonder it's $1,800.
Look at the size of this thing.
Yeah, that's my boy!
Make it happen!
- Hi.
- Hi.
She's on my lap.
There's a girl on my lap.
- Do you mind?
- No, no, no.
It's, uh... It's titanium.
It, uh, can't feel a thing.
What can we start
you gentlemen off with?
- How about some Red Bull vodkas?
- Yeah!
- Red Bull vodkas.
- Uh, I probably should take it easy.
- How about just a glass of soda?
- Yeah, yeah, me too-.
I feel a little...
Well, I can't tell if I'm having
another stroke
or if it's these dad-gum lights.
- Huh?
- What's with you guys, all right?
- Huh?
- Today you were just fine.
Now all of a sudden
you're like two old dogs
being dragged out of the back
of the house to lie down and die.
Three Red Bull vodkas.
- What's a rebel vodka?
- I don't know.
- He just asked for my number!
- Ah, yeah, girl!
Hey, Sam. Got a little bachelorette
party going on over there.
I bet there's at least three girls there
that got some serious daddy issues.
- Archie!
- Huh?
- You said you wanted to dance.
- Yeah.
- Now's your chance.
- I'm still, uh, a little concerned about...
Oh, no, no, let's not talk
about Paddy now, huh? Please.
Boy, these
Red Balls" vodkas are strange.
I feel like I'm getting drunk
and electrocuted at the same time.
And the music! Loud!
Like everything sounds alike.
Like they're playing the same song
over and over and over and over again.
I probably should get up and dance,
but I'm used to having a partner.
Certainly doesn't seem
to matter to that fella.
Maybe I'll give it a shot.
Maybe not.
Well, if they play something different.
Oh, sh*t, maybe now.
- Yeah!
- Ha-ha-ha!
Go, Archie!
Hey.
Whoo!
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Can I ask you a question?
- Yes.
- Do you guys have drugs?
Does Lipitor count?
So...
...what are you guys doing here?
- It's my bachelor party.
- Oh.
I just think it's so cute
when older people
get married.
- It's never too late, right?
- Right, right.
Actually, uh,
she's not older.
She's more your age.
You must be really rich.
You're kind of blowing
my mind right now.
- Oh?
- Yeah, it's just... It's like...
- You're so cute.
- I...
It's freaking me out.
As I look at you,
- Yeah?
- all I can think about
is how much you look
like my grandpa Lou.
He's in a nursing home
outside Fort Lauderdale.
Uh, who isn't?
- Hey, angel, come on, get out here-
- Hey. Uh, excuse me,
I'm talking to another person.
Yeah, but you should be talking to me.
I'm more interesting. Come on.
Go away, seriously.
You know, I just don't get it, all right?
It's not like you're married yet.
Just spread it around a little
before it gets dusty, you know?
Ew. Look you little jerk-off,
I don't wanna dance with you either.
- Everything all right here?
- Fanny Pack.
You... You guys
are everywhere.
What's your deal?
Can I see that real quick?
Buddy, maybe you had
too much to drink.
Hey, pal, why don't you
mind your business?
You don't wanna make
a fool of yourself.
You know what? If I want your opinion,
I'll just beat it out of you.
- Hey, hey, hey, what's the problem?
- Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?
Sam?
Oh. Now I'm gonna enjoy this one,
a**hole. You know that?
No one calls us names except us.
You understand?
Paddy.
Just get him out of here.
- Take him out the side.
- We're going.
- Your son's been calling.
- Huh?
Good shot, Paddy.
Damn, fellas, that Paddy's a beast.
Heh.
There you are.
- Lonnie.
- Lonnie.
- I said that, man.
- No, you never did say that.
- You said Louie or some sh*t like that.
- All right, I said Larry.
- I said...
- Where you been, man?
Boom.
Boom, boom.
Thank you.
Twenty-two up!
I need a pinch of sugar
An ounce of ooh-la-la
A sweet temptation
In my blue boudoir
If you're feeling hungry
I'll let you lick the spoon
Come on over, baby
Can I borrow a cup of trouble
From you?
I'm just gonna get
some chairs, I'll be right back.
Okay, I'll wait for you.
I used to be fun.
She chose me, I mean, well,
over Mr. Ladies' Man, Billy Gherson.
That's how fun I was.
Ahem. We both wanted her,
but she picked me.
Picked me.
And, uh, you know, once I...
I made her laugh so hard,
she peed her pants.
Yeah.
I used to be able to make
women laugh like that.
Come on.
You made me laugh.
Yeah, but I didn't make you
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"Last Vegas" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/last_vegas_12297>.
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