Laughter in Paradise Page #4

I don't quite know...

It just stopped.

Got any petrol?

Oh, yes...

My chauffeur filled it up this morning.

Just stubborn, eh?

Got far to go?

Eton. My brother's at school there

and I promised to take him out...

It's maddening.

- Leave it to me.

- Thank you.

Do you know anything about cars?

- Not a thing.

- Fine!

Well... if you ask me, the 'circumventor'

on the 'ubiquitous praxile'...

What?

The 'sheerstall' has blown.

You can tell just by looking at it?

Oh, one gets the knack you know...

Like doctors lifting your eyelid and knowing

your great grandmother was a dipsomaniac.

Can I give you a lift somewhere?

If you would... to the telephone.

It's a pleasure... come along.

I'll ring my chauffeur to come

and collect the beastly thing.

What do you know about...

'praxile'... thingumajigs?

I doubt it... very few people do.

I hate that car, anyway.

I much prefer my big one.

Your big one?

Oh, you'll have to forgive old "Griselda".

Both mine are in dock.

This thing belongs to my butler.

I think she's sweet... and I'm

very grateful to both of you.

What did you say your name was?

I didn't. It's Lucille Grayson.

How do you do?... Simon Russell.

I'm going to make

a very impertinent suggestion...

Instead of you singing the "Eton Boating Song"

with your brother...

Why not come boating with me?

My cruiser's just along the road...

on the water of course.

No thank you...

I couldn't possibly.

My uncle would raise Cain if he heard

I'd been out with strange men.

Well, there's only one of me

and I'm not all that strange.

In fact I behave pretty normally

on the whole.

It's very tempting, Mr Russell...

but I must say no.

- No?

- Yes.

Do you really know anything

about cars?

No.

Nothing at all?

Nothing at all.

How clever of you.

Do you like my little boat?

Mmm... very much.

Small, of course.

Getting another one soon,

with a big funnel.

Comfy?

Lucky you had 2 of these

mattress things.

Yes, I was here last weekend

with a business pal.

He left his lipstick behind.

Odd!

I wonder how that got here.

I'm beginning to wonder

how I did!

Not regretting it, are you?

Not yet... but I shall!

My uncle wouldn't approve of this at all.

Like all very rich men...

He wants to run everybody else's life.

You poor sweet...

I know the form...

You can't tell him to go to blazes

or he'll cut you off with a shilling.

No... he can't do that...

the money's in trust for me.

That's good...

That's very good!

No!

No!

No!

Deniston... I will not postpone our wedding

without a reason.

No, you can't fob me off like that.

Fluffy... I wouldn't dream of fobbing you.

Nonsense!...

This is the clearest case of fobbing

that's ever come my way.

You've been dilly-dallying

with my daughter for 10 years.

Only because of my financial situation,

Sir Charles.

What's happened to it now?

Nothing, nothing... I only asked

for a slight postponement.

28 days.

Why?

I know you'll understand when I tell you

that I've given my solemn oath

not to divulge the reason.

But when we got engaged,

10 years ago...

You solemnly swore we wouldn't

have any secrets from each other.

Except, of course, official ones.

Oh... but this IS official!...

In a way.

You see, Fluffy... in strict confidence...

I have to go away for a month.

Officially?

Officially.

Got a government?

Well, the government will

be paying my expenses.

What's that?

Just a minute.

I thought the Pay Corps

kicked you out 5 years ago.

I shall not be in uniform, Sir Charles...

at least I don't think so.

Will you excuse me... I really have to go

to catch my train...

Denny... you're not going

behind the Iron Curtain?

I suppose you could put it like that.

Daddykins, he's in the Secret Service...

And all the time we thought

he was doing nothing!

Oh, Denny... my brave Denny-boy!

Fluffy, dear... look I promise

as soon as ever I am free...

...free to talk... I'll explain everything.

No need to explain, when duty calls!

Quite right...

Now don't go and land yourself

in one of those filthy jails!

No, but I...

Will you excuse me, sir Charles?...

I must catch my train.

Well, good luck... I'm sorry I was

a bit shirty with you.

I know you won't be able to write...

But I shall be watching the newspapers

and hoping so much there won't be

any news of you.

Oh, the newspapers!...

Oh, yes... hope that... please hope that!

Kings Cross station, please.

Good luck!... and if they catch you,

none of those confessions, mind!

Goodbye, dear boy.

Not the railway station... the police station.

Good morning, inspector,

do you remember me?

Yes, I do remember you...

go on get outta here.

Please, please listen...

you see, I am a writer...

And it is necessary for one of my characters

to go to prison for a month.

I only thought you could tell me

a few crimes that could fit the bill.

Look... here's a little opus of mine,

if you'd care to...

It's about football.

About football, eh?

The whole of the Cup Final team get poisoned

on the eve of the match.

"Death and the FA Cup"

No, no, please... keep it...

if you'd care to.

For me?

Well, that's very kind of you sir...

thank you!

Well, I'm always ready

to support the arts, as it were!

I dare say Archibald ought to

be able to help us.

Who is Archibald?

The encyclopedia of crime.

Look, I want it to be

a very respectable crime.

Nothing nasty.

You see, he's a very upright

and honourable man...

I can't possibly have his reputation

soiled in any way.

He has to get the heroine.

'appy endin', eh?

That's the stuff to give 'em.

I'm so glad you understand.

Now, let's see, there's trains.

There's lot of things happen

in trains, you know...

You'd be surprised.

Most of them go for about 6 months.

No... no... no...

Bag snatchin' ain't bad.

I'll take note of one or two of these.

Yes, do that.

Here, I've got this.

Bag snatching...

Then there's... shoplifting.

Yes... shoplifting.

They're gettin' very down on that

nowadays, you know.

Especially among the upper classes.

Then there's... I think I've got it here.

I may be wrong.

How about stealing lead

from churches?

Just climb up on the roof and rip it off.

No... he has no head for heights.

Oh, that's a pity.

Well, car-stealing's very popular,

you know.

Yes... car stealing...

Bung that down.

Oh... alright!

Alright... alright... alright!

Shut the window!

My feet are cold!

Don't stand there gaping...

my dinner'll spoil.

Alright.. alright... alright!

Have you got asthma?

No...

Then stop puffin' like a train...

it gets on my nerves.

You left the door open.

Shut it when you go!

- Is that all you...?

- Go on!

You're fired!

Mr Webb...

I beg you to reconsider this.

The only matter for consideration is whether

I kick you out now or tomorrow morning.

I'm willing to work for no wages.

Still all too expensive.

In fact, I'm willing to pay YOU

to let me stay.

I only ask to remain a month...

If you let me stay, I'll give you 1,000.

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