Les Aventures de Rabbi Jacob (The Mad Adventures of Rabbi Jacob) Page #2

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And oil...

No more petrol. I must stop.

Where is he?|Where can he be?

- What happens today?|- My daughter is getting married.

I only help you as favour.|Open your mouth and keep quiet.

Yes, we have requested a conversation|with Piverts car.

Ms, I have contact with Mr.

Keep it shut.|I am back in two minutes.

- Do not answer.|- It is my wife.

If I don't answer,|she will track me down.

If I suspect the least...

- Is that you, Germaine?|- It's been 11 hours.

I have waited since yesterday.|Where were you last night?

Say that you will leave for|the weekend with a woman.

- Do you get it?|- No.

- I'll elope with a woman.|- A woman? You are crazy.

- Yes, I am crazy with her.|- What does she have that I don't?

She has large hairy hands,|large feet...

...that, and a large moustache.

- I hope that she believes you.|- I like her...

...because she doesn't rub herself|with all kinds of lotion...

...and wears no clamp bra.|She sings when she massages my back.

She finds me clever|and thinks that I am 1.80 meter.

- What's her name?|- What's her name?

Invent a name.

- Thrse Leduc.|- She is 65.

Yes, she has loved me for 30 years.|And lets me be in peace.

Did you see that?|I hung up this time.

I'm off to Orly Airport, my|husband is there. Tell my daughter.

- Piverts wedding?|- Yes, put it there.

I'm sorry,|the doctor doesn't receive patients today.

- Police. I want to speak with Mr. Pivert.|- He is not here. What is the matter?

Quiet now. Ms. Pivert picks up her husband|at Orly Airport. She's back in two hours.

To Orly Airport. We must catch him|before he flies off.

- Hurry up.|- A moment, Mr.

- What was your speed?|- Eighty.

- Shall I check the oil?|- No, it's okay.

- Can I see your papers?|- Naturally.

- What have you done?|- Nothing.

- Which of us were you mocking?|- Both.

- None of you, sir.|- Yes, you are both crazy.

- Turn around. What have you there?|- A wart.

A wart?

- It's awful.|- I think it suits him.

Hideous. Small hair are coming out.

Doesn't it hurt?|And if I do this?

That does certainly hurt, huh?

- What happens here? Papers.|- I never have those.

No drivers license, no registration|certificate, no insurance. Arrest me.

That will cost you.

- What's your name?|- Pivert. Like in...

Full tank?

- We must leave. Fars is there.|- Now it's enough. Get out.

Into first gear!

Will you please remain seated?

Sit, Samuel.|My family waits for me in Paris.

I'm here for bar mitzvah...|the communion of my nephew David.

He is already thirteen.

David, be quiet now.

Mummy, how do you recognise uncle Jacob?|Only granny knows him.

I'll recignize him.|- Hoezo, what do we do?

We had agreed on picking him up|in the car of Salomons boss.

He was fired yesterday.|- His boss fired him.

I have always said|that Mr. Pivert is very nice.

I was almost run over and killed.|Why must I carry your trunk?

Because you must come along.|- No, go to your revolution alone.

I must go to the wedding.|- You must come along as my hostage.

If you move one muscle, you're dead.|- I never do that.

But look at that officer.

He is large.|A much better hostage than I.

Did you see her? Red hair.|- And?

Stay here.

What a beauty.

What's his name?

Do you have a light?

Of course he has a light.

Moron, idiot.|You find that funny, imbecile?

There it is. The plane from New York|has landed.

Hurry up now.|- We can't miss him.

David, come here.|- Hurry up.

Look, there he is.

Jacob, uncle Jacob.

Where is Jacob? I see nothing.|- Look, there he comes.

Mr Pivert...

Mr. Pivert, come to the counter!

They are here.|- Slimane and Pivert.

You come exactly on time.|Pivert has just been announced.

We must remember that|he is a murderer.

Try it again.

Victor, come back.

- That is Germaine.|- Come back to me.

Germaine, where are you?

I forgive you. Don't leave me|on the wedding day of our daughter.

Victor, do you hear me?

Yes, I hear you. Don't shout this loud.|I'm coming.

Your husband isn't about to|fly off with Thrse Leduc.

- Give it back, I must announce things.|- This is more important.

- I saw the assassin.|- Is Fars here?

- He was right behind me.|- Wait, let me look first.

- Open.|- No.

- Open.|- I am not here.

- Open.|- Is not possible, it's occupied.

- Open.|- Did you hear that?

Mr, is your friend sick?|Perhaps we can help?

Maybe you can.

Moron, out.

Me as a rabbi - unbelievable!|- Wait.

Jacob.

It is him.

Let me greet him to.

- What now?|- Play the role. It is our only chance.

I could recognise him among thousands.|He speaks as his brother, my husband.

- Is he also a Schmoll?|- Schmoll?

Yes, who is he?

Of course, you are right.

He is my secretary, driver|and waiter. Here, my trunk.

- What is he called?|- Him? Larbi Rabbi Slimane.

Seligman, rabbi Seligman.|It's a pleasure.

Tell me, how are|they all in New York?

- Why don't you have a beard?|- I lent it out.

That Seligman is not just|anybody. A rabbi who is also a driver.

- You have a strange accent.|- You think?

You have become a real American.|Shall I teach you your real accent?

I know a good exercise.|Pronounce the names of fur.

- Of fur.|- Ah, fur.

Try.

Mink.

Chinchilla.

Muskrat.

- Fox.|- Fox, silver fox.

- Panther.|- Panther.

- No, panther. A cat.|- Panther.

Very good, Jacob.

Ms Pivert?|- That is me.

Police. Your man waits|for you in the car.

I knew that he would come back to me.|But why the police?

- Your man is in trouble.|- That Thrse Leduc.

Come on, let's go.

Where is Victor? Let me be.

Where is Ms. Pivert?|- No idea. Somewhere there.

Do I have pay attention to everyone?|- Yes, everyone.

Commissioner.|Two rabbis have been robbed.

- They have stolen their clothes and beards.|- What do the theives look like?

- A big guy with black hair.|- And a small bald guy.

Again Pivert and Slimane.

Pardon, this is a celebrity.

Step up. I'll buy the tickets.

Ahead.

You are very friendly.

And you are the nicest Jew|that I have ever seen.

Beautiful looking and beautiful teeth.|Come, let me give you a kiss.

You are also very nice, Ms.

Do you how many marriages|I have arranged?

- Are you married?|- No.

Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?

- Redheads.|- I have that for your.

After 30 years they don't even|come to pick me up.

- Maybe they didn't get your telegram.|- I have sent 8.

One must have arrived.

Do you see that violin box?|And what is inside that box?

No, idiot....

Cover me. I'll go over there.

The address is Rue des Rosiers 8.|The phone number...

Hello, rabbi...

Do you see. They did come to pick us up?

Police. Commissioner Andrani.|- Ah, what an honour.

I don't often meet|two such strange looking rabbi's.

We aren't that strange looking.

- Keep off of my violin.|- Don't mistake me for a fool, Pivert.

A big beard you have grown!|May I?

Pardon, Mr.

- Salomon, telephone.|- I'm coming.

Who? Uncle Jacob?

No, it's Salomon. Did you|have a pleasant journey?

- No, a very bad journey.

Where are you?|- At Orly Airport.

After 30 years I'm picked|up by the police.

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