Les Aventures de Rabbi Jacob (The Mad Adventures of Rabbi Jacob) Page #3

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- It is okay.|- Sorry, a misunderstanding.

- What are you doing?|- I understand nothing, uncle Jacob.

Rabbi Jacob arrives in a taxi.|Bowl rapidly.

What do you know?|Hang up, you idiot.

- Idiot?|- You must be crazy.

Long live rabbi Jacob.

Completely insane. Idiot...

Bless them, uncle Jacob.

- That is why you have come.|- He is modest.

Stand up, uncle Jacob.|They want to welcome you.

Put out your head.

Not like that, you are a rabbi.

This is your fault.|Wait until I tell them who you are.

Silence. All, be quiet now.

Welcome, rabbi Jacob,|my honoured teacher.

You are brilliant,|you are bright as the sky.

Well formulated.

Receive, as a souvenir of this day,|this "streimel".

What a beautiful "streimel".|Mink. I'll use it on Sundays.

For Saturdays.

He said Sunday,|but of course I ment Saturday.

Silence.

Rabbi Jacob will speak now.

Say something.

Dear Rosenfelds.

Dear Rozenbergs.

Dear Koshers.

Not that.

Then that. Dear Levi's.

Dear Levi's.

Keep the rest.

Uncle Jacob, you must get off.|The taxi driver wants to leave.

- And if they ask me something?|- Do what Jews do.

Always answer with a question.|Thus you can gain time.

Mr...

- Jacob, do you recognise me?|- And do you recognise me?

- No.|- So much the better.

- We have thousands of questions for you.|- Then I have two thousand.

- Rabbi Jacob...|- Yes.

- My driver. He recognises me.|- I have but one question.

My boss fired me because I|don't want to work on Saturdays.

What do I do?

Ask if he will take you back|and ask for a rise. He will say yes.

- The double?|- He will say yes.

- Triple?|- No that.

- I didn't know that you were Jewish.|- Yesterday I wasn't.

You must not tell anyone.|Everyone's looking for me.

- What have you done?|- I am innocent.

They want a scapegoat.

Hide me, then I re-hire you|and you get off for all your holidays!

- And on the sabbat and on Sundays.|- And the Muslim holidays?

- Do they have that?|- What does Slimane do here?

Who?

Rabbi Seligman, I have|found a redhair for you.

She is called Hannah.|Go say hello.

That is enough.|They are all ready.

Silence, silence.

Rabbi Jacob will dance.

Can Rabbi Jacob dance?

- You have talent!|- It was a wonder.

How did you know that|Pivert was on Orly Airport?

- He wants an adventure with Thrse Leduc.|- On his daughters wedding day?

No, not the drill.|I have always found that terrible.

He is with Slimane. Where are they?

Is this 2334436? With whom do I speak?|- Answer. But be careful.

- Germaine? It's Victor.|- Ah Victor, it's you.

- Ask where he is.|- No.

That drill. Did you hear me?

- Where are you?|- Hiding at some Jewish friends.

- Do you have Jewish friends?|- Yes. What's strange about that?

Say that the police force is here.

The police force is here.|They want to speak with you.

Mr Pivert? This is the commissioner.

I know where the assassins are.|You can catch them all.

Where are you now?

Their leader is called Fars.

I'll give you his description.

Thick, curly hair, small false eyes,|sun glasses.

A real assassin head.|- Exactly.

I am at "Etoile de Kiev".

A delikatessen-restaurant,|Rue des Rosiers 8.

Sjaloom, rabbi.|- Sjaloom.

Not you, him.

Ask for rabbi Jacob.|Rabbi Jacob, that's me.

Is Slimane also there?

Yes, he is to marry|a red-haired girl.

Remain where you are. We come.

Have you heard it?|Hannah has gotten engaged.

- If rabbi Jacob agrees with it.|- What a neat little girl.

Does she please you? You have the same hair.

Rabbi Jacob gives his blessing.

How can she let me down today?

And dad has disappeared.

Antoinette...

- I can't do it.|- Are you rabbi Jacob or not?

- I beg you.|- You are safe here.

Uncle Jacob, everything is ready.

- What shall we do?|- How does such a Jewish communion work?

It'll work out fine.

If my wife comes,|I'll go to the real church.

Bless me, uncle Jacob.

I give my blessing to you, David.

You to, rabbi Seligman.

God is with you, David.

- What is it?|- Tel. for rabbi Jacob.

- One Ms Pivert.|- I'll be back.

Do you hear that?|They say amen, just like us.

Warn Mr. Pivert. Three assasins are coming,|their leader is called Fars.

Three assassins? Here?

- Quick, they want to kill Mr. Pivert.|- They are already here.

Mazel tov, son.

What does he say?

- You must read from the "thora".|- That is too much honour.

Also you, rabbi Seligman.

What a big honour for my family.

As you like, rabbi Jacob.

It is Hebrew.

From right to left,|just like Arabian.

I'll give rabbi Seligman the honour.|He must read.

The glasses. And the hand.

You must read from right to left.

- Could they be here?|- It's possible.

I think, it is a type of church.

Your hat.

Fars is in the synagogue.|Leave.

Your hat.

Your hat!

Silence.

Brothers...

...the three men|that have just come in...

...are not here to pray.|They are assassins.

They want to kill rabbi Jacob|and rabbi Seligman.

Help me save them.

What are you doing? let me be.

Salomon, come here.

Wait in the "Etoile de Kiev".|I'll get the car.

- How did Fars know where we were?

- From the commissioner.|- That was Fars.

Was that Fars.

Thirty years, Samuel,|and everything is still the same.

There is the synagogue.|And this is the "Etoile de Kiev".

Hey, what happens? Leave me alone.

Drive.

Mr, come quick.|Take this and get away.

Get away.

You have saved my life.|I will reward you.

Hey, Salomon, Slimane...|Are you guys sometimes cousins?

- Cousins?|- Distant cousins. Thanks.

Save that for later.|Ahead, to St. Louis des Invalides.

Police. Commissioner Andrani.

Mummy, there is the "Etoile de Kiev".

We thought that you were someone else.|It was a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding which you will regret.

- Let them be or I'll call the police.|- This is the police, mother.

There's Salomon.

- What have you done to my husband?|- He is safe.

- Where is he?|- On the way to you, on my moped.

I'm suffocating.

- Take off your beard, Pivert.|- Pivert? Who are those Piverts?

- What are you doing?|- That is not Slimane.

And I am not Pivert.

My boat and my car.|There, they have stolen it.

- Follow them.|- Don't shout this way.

- More speed.|- No, then my hat blows off.

Quick, this way.

Follow them.

No, it's not me.

No, not my moustache.

- You are Pivert.|- Rabbi Jacob.

D, call number 438ZA75,|following the boat Germaine II...

...driving in direction|of Place de la Concorde.

- Don't kill them. They will say nothing.|- No, I say nothing.

I have forgotten everything. I don't even|know yout name, Mr Fars.

Do not shoot. I have an idea.

You do not shoot, let me go|to my daughters wedding.

And tomorrow you send me a letter bomb.

I am at home, the doorbell rings...

- Who is it?|- I open...

A letter bomb.

- And for whom?|- Not for me.

Shut up.

- I open it.|- No, don't open it. NO!

Pivert is gone, Jacob is one, Fars is gone.

That is for me.

Is it the car of Mr Pivert?|Is president Slimane there?

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